The Gift
by mamasutra
Summary: For it is giving that we receive, but Edward was never expected a gift that would forever change everything in his life from the moment it was in his hands. Be careful what you wish for. Bella/Edward/Tanya *banner by elana86
1. Chapter 1

Taste of the Forbidden

Title: The Gift

Pen Name: Mamasutra

Rating: M

Genre: Romance/Drama

Word Count: 8335

Pairing: Edward/Bella

Summary: For it is in giving that we receive.

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight….

"Look at her," I heard Jasper hiss through his teeth as he watched the woman that I knew as my wife's PA step out of my parents' pool in only her hot pink bikini.

"Jesus, Jas, give it a rest, man," I said with a half chuckle as I looked from the girl who made me uncomfortable, to the man who had been my friend since the age of five.

"Don't tell me that you aren't jerking to that in the shower each morning?" he whispered in disbelief, calling me out on my bullshit as he tried to keep it from his overbearing wife who was close by.

"I'm just saying, leave the girl alone," I replied as I tried carefully not to answer his lewd question, since it was none of his business what images filled my head in the shower each morning.

"That's what I thought," he said, with a low laugh that made him sound like a dirty old man as he continued to gawk at the young twenty-three year old whose tits were about to spill out of her small bikini top.

"Jasper!" We both heard Alice bellow out for him. He muttered cuss words as he walked away, leaving me standing there gawking at the girl who I saw every day.

"Hey Edward," she whispered in a shy voice as she stepped closer to me. I could not help but notice the way the water beaded upon her skin, as well, how the breeze caused her nipples to harden before me in the most tantalizing manner.

"Bella," I murmured, feeling like a fourteen year old boy all over again, as I tried to mask the hard on that appeared in the few seconds of seeing her wet and responsive before me.

"Happy Birthday," she said as she stepped closer, while I tried to focus on her almost copper colored eyes, instead of her creamy curves that were on display or how close she was to me now.

"I hope you get everything you want," she finished with a naughty grin that made me ache, as I just smiled like a fucking idiot at her. She didn't need to know her affect on me. She didn't need to know that she, alone, was on my list of freebies that I had with my wife. She didn't need to know that her soft twenty three year old flesh was what I thought of as I jerked off in the shower on those mornings that were too busy for anything else.

I watched as the young woman turned and left me standing there in my awkward pose, while people milled around me, blissfully unaware that I was rock hard for a girl who would never give me the time of day, since I was her supervisor's husband. I continued to watch Bella's ass sway with each step she took, until my view was blocked by a pair of bright blue eyes and soft blonde hair. Tanya, my wife. The only person who knew how I felt about the woman-child that had left me standing there like a damn school boy with a book covering his unfortunately timed Hard-on.

"Look at you, you dirty old man, gawking at my PA like that," she teased me, but she knew. She had always known how I felt about the girl and was always one to encourage me in her own twisted manner. She never cared that I had what she considered a crush on the girl, even though I vehemently denied it to her. She didn't need to know the depths of depravity when it came to how badly I wanted Bella Swan. She never needed to know that I thought of her assistant at all, let alone that I often dreamed of her on her knees before, with her big and innocent brown eyes looking up at mine while she sucked my cock.

"I'm not old," I replied back causing her to laugh at me in all my ridiculousness, as she wrapped her arms around me.

"I like how you didn't deny that you were a dirty man," she snickered before pressing a kiss against my cheek.

"Thirty is not old," I scowled, as I looked at her, while she laughed at me. She knew I was having a hard time leaving my twenties. She knew better than most how badly I hated the idea since, to me, being thirty also brought on responsibilities. It came with children and a mortgage which had both been things I had successfully dodged, even though I had gotten married quite young. I was lucky since Tanya loved the city, and children had been something she had never wanted. I could only hope my luck would hold out for a while longer.

"Keep telling yourself that, old man," she said with a loud laugh before leaving me to go chase after the young girl who starred in my private fantasies. I had no time to follow her and watch them together, before my mother called my name, alerting me that it was time for cake.

The party passed into the night, and people slowly left, as I thanked each of them for coming, before we called it a night as well. I had looked for Bella but was informed by my mother that she had left much earlier, so I was not able to say good night, not that it bothered me, since just talking to the girl left me sputtering like a fool. The drive back to our loft apartment was quiet as Tanya would smile teasingly at me. She was known for her elaborate gifts, and I had no doubt that this one would be as elaborate as ever, since it was my thirtieth birthday.

"I hope that you'll like your gift," she said in a coy manner, as I unlocked the door before pushing her inside. I wasn't in the mood for my gift, I wanted her. I wanted a release from the irritation of her mocking me all day over my age, even though she was older than me by five years. Tanya never cared about her age like I did. She wasn't obsessed over minor things like that. She was more focused on pleasure than the painful parts of life like aging.

"I want to fuck you," I practically growled at her as I shoved her hard, the way she liked it, towards the couch while reaching under her short dress. I knew she would be bare underneath, since she refused to wear panties. It was part of the allure that first drew me to her; how liberated she was sexually, while I, on the other hand, suffered from embarrassment over sex. She had always been the one to encourage me to go forward, to do something more, and had been the only woman I had ever been with intimately. She had taught me everything and taught me well exactly how to please her. I lived to please her, and she knew this all too well.

"Baby," she moaned loudly as my fingers slipped along her bare slit, feeling the wetness pool there before pushing my fingers inside of her to earn a loud groan of pleasure.

"Wait, wait, wait," she moaned, as I slowly fucked her with my fingers, before she managed to wiggle out of grasp.

"Naughty boy," she teased in a breathless tone, as she scrambled off the couch, standing once more before straightening her dress, blocking my hungry eyes from her bare cunt that had previously been on display.

"Not before you get your gift," she teased, as I approached her only to be sidestepped once more, as I grabbed at her. I chased her back to the bedroom we inhabited only to find the room aglow with candle light.

"Surprise," Tanya whispered, as I stood there in the door way searching over the room with a wicked grin, as I sought out my elusive gift that she had promised before my eyes settled upon the dark copper eyes of Bella Swan.

She sat upon my bed, like a queen presiding over her court, amongst the mound of pillows that Tanya had always insisted on. But that itself did not surprise me, since the girl was stunning enough to be royalty. What shocked the hell out of me was that she was bare. She was naked except for a red ribbon tied around her waist, as though she was the present waiting for me.

I was lost as I stared at the girl; lost in her creamy flesh and dusty pink nipples that were wide and welcoming with their stiff peaks. I was lost to the dark apex of her thighs where her tender pink flesh was hidden by a neatly trimmed patch of dark hair that made her look more like a woman than a girl. I was lost to the absolute shock of this girl in bed while my wife pulled me close in a half embrace as she whispered _happy birthday, baby, _to me. My body shuddered in response, as her hand trailed down my chest to my hard cock, as it strained against the khaki shorts I was wearing.

"What the fuck?' I sputtered loudly in shock, as I looked from the girl who eyed me with warm, lusty eyes to the woman who was my wife.

"I just wanted to give you something that you've been wanting, and… Bella wants you too," Tanya said with a sassy grin to her young assistant. Bella moved slightly, allowing me to see more of her as if she was tempting me to indulge in what was before me. I did not need the temptation. I wanted her. I had always wanted her, but I was a married man and cheating was not something I would ever do.

"Tan…. I just… I just…" I stammered nervously as my eyes would not leave the bare skin of the girl who sat before me, while I fought off the pleasure of my wife's hand touching me, urging me to enjoy myself.

"Baby, this is ok," she cooed at me softly before peppering my neck with soft kisses just like she knew would drive me crazy. She knew me too well, and I hated her for it at this moment.

"I know you want this," she whispered to me in soft throaty tone that told me how turned on she was, as her fingers traced over the hard outline of my cock.

"It's ok. I want this too and so does Bella. We all want it so why not?' she whispered to me with a slightly wicked giggle that made my cock jerk in reaction.

"I'm not a… I'd never…" I sputtered, as I closed my eyes under her touch as she unzipped my pants to touch me skin against skin.

"I know you wouldn't, Baby," she continued to coo at me, soothing me and my frazzled mind, as her hand gripped me tightly and stroked while using the abundance of precum as lubrication for her touch. It was maddening and familiar as I looked over at the woman who was anything but familiar to me.

"I know you would never betray me like that, but this," she said in a breathless tone, hinting at her needs while touching me, "this with Bella, that's not cheating Baby. I want you to have this. I need you to have this. I want you to have everything you want, and that includes her," she whispered in a throaty tone while stroking me and half exposing me to the girl on the bed who watched Tanya's hand move with dark eyes.

"I want to watch you, Baby." Tanya continued to moan for me as my pants fell around my ankles and my boxers clung to my thighs as I stood there being touched before the girl. I was torn between the need to wildly fuck the girl before me and hiding from her in humiliation as my wife exposed me for her hungry stare.

"I want to watch you enjoy yourself. I want to watch you fuck her, Baby" Tanya continued to moan in my ear lowly while rubbing her nimble body against mine, urging me to claim my present with the promise of no repercussions. It was a dream for most men, but I wasn't most men. I may have fantasized about other women, but actually acting on it was not something I had ever considered.

"Please Baby?" Tanya asked me as I refused to move forward.

"Please? For me?" she whispered in between kisses, but it wasn't enough to cause me to move. It was Bella that caused me to act. It was Bella with all her innocent sexuality and wide eyes that moved me forward, as she crawled towards me so I could watch the sway of her hips and the swing of her breasts. She was breathtaking with that damn red bow around her middle while kneeling before me on the bed.

I watched as her hand came out and touched my thigh. It was an innocent, yet intimate, act as I stood there trapped by the feelings of pleasure, as she looked at me with warm eyes the color of cinnamon.

"It's ok, if you don't Edward," she whispered to me in a voice so soft and warm that it caused me to shudder in response.

"I understand, I just thought since… I mean, I was fine with doing this, and I want to. I…I have always wanted to," she stuttered nervously to me, making me feel like shit as she grabbed at the sheets around her to cover herself, while her entire body flushed red in embarrassment. This was not the sassy bold young woman who I had known that called men out for staring at her tits. That girl was nowhere to be found. Instead, this was a girl who was resorted to stuttering and sheet grabbing over my obvious rejection. I hated that I had changed that in her. I hated that my doubts had changed the one thing I had loved about this mystery girl who now was waiting for me in bed. I hated that my doubts over this were causing her to feel rejected. This girl was too perfect, too everything, to ever feel like that.

"I didn't mean to…" I struggled to say, as I stepped away from Tanya and towards the girl who was struggling to cover herself. She refused to look at me until my hand touched her skin. She was warm and oh so soft, but that was nothing compared to her eyes. They were dark and inviting. They hinted at secrets that I suddenly needed to know. I needed to know who this girl was and why she looked at me like she did. I needed to know what her skin tasted like and what sounds she would make as I entered her. I needed to know everything about her, and I needed it now, but that need was tempered by the commitment I had made to another.

"Go ahead, its fine. I want this. I want you to want this." I could hear Tanya's encouragement. I knew she had wanted this. She had told me she had wanted to bring another to our bed. She had told me that she had always wanted to watch me please another woman, yet the idea seemed so foreign to me. I could not have ever imagined wanting another until this very moment. I wanted Bella Swan. I wanted her tender flesh against mine, and I did not care who watched or who it might hurt in the process.

I pulled the sheet free, exposing her breasts before me once more so I could look at them. They were large and begged for my touch as she knelt before me, pulling at the sheet I had just discarded.

"Don't," I whispered softly as I pulled the sheet away to expose her to me. Bella's eyes met mine with a silent question, but she remained still before me. I wanted to bury myself inside of her to ease the ache she was causing within me with her soft skin and kind eyes, but the ever logical side of me needed to know why she would agree to such an arrangement. Why this smart, pretty girl would agree to be used as a gift for a man she only knew in passing? Did she not know all the problems that an arrangement like this could bring? Did she not know the jealously and hate that such a union can stir up inside of a person? I had spent years studying people, and I knew the danger that acts like this one could bring. I knew that someone could get hurt over this night of supposed fun. Did she not care? Or was being here in this moment just enough for her as well?

"Tell me why?" I whispered to her, as her eyes held mine in a soft gaze that hinted at her uncertainty.

"Why?" she questioned me as if she did not understand and maybe she didn't, but that didn't change my need to understand her agreeing to this when it was so clear that acts such as these typically end in heartbreak.

"Why me? Why here? Why us?" I questioned, as I tried to make sense of what I was even asking her.

"I know what I'm doing, Edward," she fired back at me red faced from embarrassment yet fierce and proud. Just seeing that flash of anger in her cinnamon colored eyes made my dick harder than it had been in ages. This was the spit and fire girl I knew. This was the fierce woman who ruled Tanya's classroom with an iron fist. This was the woman I fantasized about in the shower, on my desk and in my bed for weeks without end.

"Stop questioning and just do," Tanya urged, in what was clearly an impatient manner, as she pulled the sheet completely away to expose her assistant, while I stood there with my shorts around my ankles. It was awkward, yet so right, since there was nothing more to say.

"Isn't she beautiful, Edward?" Tanya asked me, yet her eyes were clearly upon Bella, not that I cared, since my eyes were upon her too. I watched as Tanya's hand trailed over her skin, grazing her breasts teasingly while making her nipples harden in response to her touch, while Bella bit back a soft moan for her.

She was impossible not to look at with the curve of her hips and the weight of her breasts proudly on display. Bella was beautiful, and I was tired of debating and waiting. I was tired of feel bad and denying. I was tired of doing the right thing when the wrong would be so much more pleasurable.

I watched with baited breath as Tanya took hold of Bella's hand, while I shrugged out of my t-shirt, so I was bare with a pool of clothing at my feet. I was decided. I was determined. I was scared shitless since never in my life had I been with another woman outside of my wife. I had never touched another woman. It had always been Tanya, and even though my fantasies where about other women, I had never acted upon had one.

I watched as Tanya brought Bella's hand to my belly to touch me, while she ran her free hand through Bella's dark wavy hair in a loving manner, avoiding my hard cock that was right there, yet so blatantly ignored. It was all the urging Bella needed, as she brushed my wife's hand away. It was a touch that was confident, even though I could feel the tremor of nerves within her. It was a touch that was gentle and questioning, as if she was almost asking for permission to be with me. It was a permission I was willing to grant with the idea that I would deal with the fallout tomorrow. Since, in this moment, there was nothing more I wanted than this girl.

I stepped closer, almost involuntarily, into Bella's touch while watching Tanya's hand trace a pattern on the creamy skin of Bella's breast before pinching her nipple to make her moan for me. It was a sound that I wanted to record and listen to time and time again, since it was the sexiest thing I had heard in all of my life. I silently urged her to touch me more as impatience got the best of me. I brought my hands up to trace along her arms in an innocent manner, even though the situation was far from innocent. I focused on her hand upon me, as she trailed closer to my cock that was aching for attention, while Tanya continued her teasing touch along the girl's breasts.

"I just want to…" I could hear Tanya murmuring almost to herself as I waited on pins and needles for Bella to touch me. I watched while biting my lip to the point of bleeding, as her fingers trailed closer to my hard cock. It was teasing and innocent. It was too much and made me want more. I wanted more, as I watched Tanya's hand trail away from Bella's breast and down her quivering belly before dipping between her legs, while Bella's hips moved almost on their own, as she masked another moan.

"…I want to watch you fuck her, taste her, make her scream with pleasure," she rambled, as if she had lost her mind over the tension and need that filled the room with anticipation, while I watched her hand move against Bella. I could hear the wet sounds her fingers were making as she was slowly fingering the girl who was closing her eyes in pleasure from my wife's touch.

It was all too much for me, and I almost couldn't take it. I had never seen Tanya touch another woman before. I had never dreamed it would be erotic to watch her with another, yet as I watched my wife suckle at Bella's breast hungrily while burying her fingers deep inside of the girl I had fantasized about for over a year, it was all I could do not to come without being touched.

"Taste her, Edward," Tanya cooed to me in a sultry voice that hinted at how close she was to her own release, as she pulled her fingers out of Bella to give them a lick before pressing them inside of my mouth so I too could taste Bella's essence.

"She's so sweet," she murmured to me just as a moan escaped my lips from tasting another woman. She was sweet and salty. She was different, yet so familiar, and all of this only made me want her more.

"She's so ready for you, my sweet birthday boy," Tanya continued to coo as Bella smiled, but remained silent, letting my wife talk me into fucking her, as if I needed encouragement to fuck this girl.

"Do you want me to touch you?" Bella asked me, in a gravelly voice that told me of her desire, as she continued to stroke me, making me shake under her touch. Her voice shocked me, as she was giving me one last opportunity to back out of this so called birthday gift, but there was no way I could now. I needed this. I wanted to taste her, touch her, claim her, and fuck her until there was nothing left of this ache inside of me.

I could not form the words to answer her, so instead I covered her hand with mine. It was soft and warm, steady without the tremors of nerves that plagued my own touch. I lead her to where I needed her touch me by placing her hand upon my aching cock just as the sounds of Tanya's low hiss of a yes filled the room before disappearing into the faint background noise once more, as she stepped away from us, letting me have my birthday gift the way I liked, since she knew I never liked to share.

I groaned, as I felt her fingers wrap mine as well as my member in a tight hold that was foreign and exciting.

"Show me," she whispered while looking up at me with dark eyes that were far from innocent, as she looked up for direction as I fought of the urge to come then and there.

Our hands were wrapped around each other, as we stroked my cock together. The sight of her hand in mine, touching me like this, was enough to make me moan, as I felt the low burning that hinted at my pending orgasm. I gritted my teeth at the idea of the embarrassment of cumming like this without anything else from her.

"I want to taste you," she said to me in her soft voice that was confident and sexy, as she softly spoke of her needs. It left me shivering with excitement, since the image of her mouth wrapped around my dick was often what I had dreamed of when it came to this girl.

Without another word, Bella slowly eased our hands away exposing me. Yet instead of quickly taking me, she just stopped. She looked up at me with her warm eyes and urged me towards her, as she slid her hand along my thigh to pull me closer.

"Lie down, birthday boy," she said in a whisper of a voice while pulling me closer to her with a naughty grin. It took very little urging for me to comply, and soon I was sprawled across the bed, shamelessly waiting for whatever this girl wanted to do to me, while my wife watched. I felt the twinge of guilt wash over, as I watched Bella approach me, but that guilt was soon replaced with white hot lust. I knew Tanya was watching, I could feel her eyes upon me. I could feel her eyes watching, as Bella placed soft kisses along my thighs, while I shook with anticipation. I could feel her eyes watching, as Bella's eyes met mine, dark and wicked, just before licking me from base to tip with her pink tongue. It was her eyes watching as another woman licked me that added to it. It made it dirty and almost taboo to be doing this while she watched, yet I wanted her to watch. I wanted her to see another love me like she had done countless times in our life together. I wanted her to watch as another woman took me in her mouth, her cunt, everywhere, and it made me feel especially dirty just by wanting that.

"Do you think of me like this?" Bella asked me, as her mouth hovered over my dick. I could feel the heat of her breath as it hit my skin, making me arch in response, as my cock took over with a mind of its own, seeking entrance into her mouth.

"Do you think of me on my knees for you?" she asked in a soft whisper that was teasing, yet confident in what she was doing to me. She knew I had wanted her, and if she had asked me this same question any other time without her on her knees ready to suck my cock, I would have been mortified, but at this moment, it was all I could not to push my cock forward towards her mouth while I groaned.

I watched with held breath as she licked at the dribbling of precum that greeted her with her heated words and naughty knowledge.

"Yes, taste him. He loves to have his cock sucked," I could hear Tanya in back ground as if she was calling out what she needed to see for her own pleasure as well. I could hear her heavy breathing and her soft moans that told me how much she was enjoying watching as well.

"You taste so sweet, but I always knew you would," she continued as her hands slowly began to stroke me before looking back at me with eyes too dark to be innocent.

"What do you want, birthday boy?' she asked me in a husky whisper, as she moved her hands around me, stroking me as if she had been trained to do so. Maybe Tanya had instructed her on how I needed to be touch. Maybe Tanya had told her just how to hold me to make me cum, and the thought of those lessons between the two women made me burn with the need for release.

"Tell me what you dream of," she said in a warm whisper that was teasing and telling of her wants all at once.

"You," I responded without thinking and without care that my wife would hear those words. I did dream of her. I dreamed dark, sensual dreams with her spread out before me in the most stunning of ways with her pussy proudly on display. I dreamt of her moans being the only sounds between us, as she begged me to fuck her. I dreamt of her always and only of her like this, but in all of those dreams. I had never envisioned that it would happen like this.

"Tell me," she asked as I closed my eyes under the twisting pressure of my pending release as she continued to touch me.

"Suck me," I whispered to her as I tried to find my voice to tell her what twisted thoughts and different ways I had fucked her in my mind. It was all so sinister and wrong to want her like this, but even more perverse to admit it out loud to her and the woman I had promised my forever to, while she moaned in excitement over it.

My command was met was a sassy grin, as Bella quickly leaned over and took me into to her mouth. My back arched off the bed in pleasure, while I cried out unashamed as I felt her warm, wet tongue circle around the head of my cock.

Her mouth was hot and wet, while her tongue was teasing. It was almost too much as her tongue tangled around my cock, while she took me deeper until I felt the constriction of the back of her throat, but that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to see her like this. I wanted to see her with her mouth wrapped around me, since it was something I had envisioned every day, when I was left with only my hand to entertain myself with.

I lifted my head and looked down to see Bella in all her dirty angel glory. Her eyes were closed and her cheeks were flushed pink. Her hair was pulled away from her face allowing me to see it all, as my cock slid, glistening wet, between her rose colored lips. She looked like an angel, a filthy fucking angel, who had been sent to fulfill my every desire.

I watched her, as she lovingly sucked me. I moaned and thrust into her face without any control with each swirl of her tongue around me or sudden deep throating of my cock. I watched her as she pleasured me until her angel eyes opened and looked into mine. They were warm and dark. They were filled with secrets that I wanted to know. But that was not what shook me to my core. It was how soft and loving they were, as she looked up at me. It was too intimate, it was too private. It was too everything, and it left me spinning inside, dizzy from the intimacy that I shared with this girl who was not my wife.

"Stop, stop, stop," I murmured to her as I pulled at her dark hair that was so soft in my hands. I needed this to stop before it went too far, even though I had no idea what too far would be with this girl.

Bella pulled off my cock with a wet sounding pop while looking more than satisfied with herself, as I groaned over the loss of heat and suction from her mouth. The sassy smirk she gave me helped ease the dizzy motion that she caused inside of me with her soft gaze.

"So fucking perfect," I heard the soft whispering of my wife, reminding me that she was still here, watching me with another. I strained to look, since I knew exactly where she would be watching our lewd display. She would be lounging on that damn chaise, she had insisted that we buy, yet never used. I found myself needing to see her, needing her approval to bury myself deep inside of this girl she had 'given' me as a gift. I felt a surge of guilt with the sound of her voice.

I found her sprawled across the velvet lounge naked; her eyes glassy from lust. She had her legs spread wide, putting her pussy on prominent display, while she worked the vibrator I had bought her for her birthday in and out of her at a maddening pace. I knew that pace all too well. I knew she was on verge of coming. I could see it in her eyes and the soft quivering of her skin. I could hear it in her breathy moans and the wet sounds her pussy made with each pass of the vibrator. She was enjoying the show that Bella and I were giving her. While that eased my guilt, it also left me feeling off, but there was no time to think of why this was so important to her, as Bella crawled up my body. My eyes quickly went back to the swaying of her breasts as they mesmerized me with their movement.

I closed my eyes, as I felt her hands settle upon my chest, tracing patterns on my skin, as she moved against my cock teasingly, letting me feel her slip back and forth against me. The feeling was over powering, yet I needed to watch as my cock slip back and forth between her lips, being so close yet so far from where I wanted to be; inside of her.

"Do you want me?" she asked me, in an innocent voice that was laced with lust and danger.

"Do you want to be inside of me?" she asked, slipping and sliding against me as she grew wetter for me with each twist of her hips.

"Tell me, Edward," she whispered in a soft voice, so clear and sweet, one would think she was asking me for more than my fantasies, or my need to fuck her. I closed my eyes and nodded as I bit my lip against the growing tension inside of me, pushing me towards the release I so desperately needed.

Without a word, Bella shifted her hips and suddenly my cock was posed at her entrance, waiting and begging for the next motion that would ease my cock inside of her. I watched with stuttering breath and wild eyes, as Bella moved above me. Her face was so close to mine that I could feel her warm, minty breath wash over me just as her hand closed around my hard cock once more.

"I've wanted this forever," she whispered to me so softly there was no way Tanya could hear her.

"I've wanted _you_ forever," she whispered again, as she dragged the head of my cock over her pussy, rubbing me against her clit before easing me into place.

"Tell me you wanted me too," she whispered so softly in such a decadent way, that it made me shudder.

"Tell me you wanted this as badly as I have," she whispered again, as her big brown eyes met mine, letting me see all her lust and innocence, as she waited for my words.

"Yes," I whispered in a gravelly voice that was neither clear nor confident. It sounded weak and greedy, just like I felt inside as the head of my cock push into her but was stopped as her body was too tight for my immediate entrance. I looked deep into Bella's amber colored eyes and could see the lust and heat in her gaze. It was perfect and frightening as hell, as she leaned closer, letting me taste the hint of birthday cake and wine on her breath before pressing her lips against mine in the sweetest of kisses to seal our whispered secrets to each other.

I watched as Bella leaned back. There was determination in her eyes, as she spread her legs wider around me and she sank down, inch by inch, onto my cock. It was madding to watch and heavenly to feel, as she swallowed me up in her heat and tightness, while she worked to have all of me inside of her.

"That's it, Baby" I could hear the soft encouragement of Tanya's throaty whispers, reminding me that we were not alone.

"He's so big, isn't he?" I could hear Tanya moan, as Bella pressed down, taking more of me inside of her.

"He's going to feel so good inside of you," Tanya said in a high pitched voice that told me she was close to orgasm.

"So good. So good," she continued to coo before crying out in pleasure from her release, which only added to the pressure I felt inside, as I fought off my own urges to come.

"Stay with me my pretty boy," Bella whispered to me while rubbing along my belly above where we were joined, pulling me back to her with her words while blocking out the image of the other woman in the room who was moaning, as she watched my Bella as she sunk lower upon me, pinching me with the tightness of her cunt. Her words made me focus on the woman above me with her wild brown eyes and red lips open, gasping for air as she impaled herself upon me, while her heavy tits shook with each movement, each breath she took. She looked wanton and beautiful. She looked young and innocent. She looked every bit the Lolita she was playing at, by being my birthday gift; my sanctioned fuck from my wife who wanted me to have everything. She was my dream and nightmare all rolled into one, as she hovered above me, impaled on my cock with sweat blooming on her forehead from her hard work to accept me into her tight body, while our audience ooohed and awed in response to her hard work.

I looked down at where we were joined, and while I was inside of her, it suddenly wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to just see the bulk of my cock inside of her. It wasn't enough that we could fuck like this; filling her, but never being fully inside of her. It wasn't enough at all, as I watched her tits shake, as she moved above me. It wasn't enough to watch my dick, glistening from her wetness, as it disappeared inside of her, yet never filled her properly. It wasn't enough, and it was that lacking that made me angry. Angry that I was missing out being buried inside of her. Angry that I would walk away from this experience without the feeling of her wrapped completely around me.

It was that anger that found me growling, as Bella rocked on top of me slowly. It was that growl that found me as my hands gripped her hips tight like handles, pushing her down on my aching cock, as I thrust up into her, while I bit my lip until I could taste blood while feeling the fire light within me, setting flame to my own desire to take this girl who offered herself up so willingly for me.

I could hear the low moan of _oh my god_, but I had no idea if it was Tanya or Bella, as I felt the primal urge to fuck, to claim, to destroy, take over, as I pulled her down hard upon me. I pushed up into her hard, thrusting off the bed beneath me, until I was buried deep inside of her. I groaned against the feel of her wet and hot, constricting around me, hugging me, pulling me deeper, as she adjusted with a loud groan of pleasure mixed with pain. It was the sound of her cry that spurred me on in my primal urges. It triggered an emotion inside of me that burned me to ash, as I felt the desire to fuck and claim her rise inside of me like a tidal wave taking over and washing away any of the doubt that I had before this moment.

I listened to her cries of pleasure mixed with Tanya's in the background, as I thrust up into her, as she came down upon me hard, taking me deep, like how I needed to be. I needed more from her. I needed to hear more. I needed to hear her cries and moans as I fucked her hard. I needed to feel her come on me, as I took what was mine from her.

"Yes, fuck her, Baby. Fuck her," Tanya cried out in encouragement and frenzied pleasure, as I lost control of whatever it was that held me in check whenever I was around this girl.

I remained seated deep inside of her for the space of a heartbeat before pulling her up off of me until all I felt was the cold air between us before thrusting up into her warmth once more, repeating the process over and over again. I watched as my cock disappeared into her, wet from her excitement and gasping for air as I fought off the burning need to come since I wanted to feel her and give her all that I could before losing myself in the magic that was her hot flesh.

I watched as her tits shook with each hard thrust, bouncing wildly, begging for my touch, my mouth, and my teeth, as she tried to hold on she as rode me. I watched as her eyes closed with pleasure and her face grimaced with pain from fucking her hard and deep. I watched and was mesmerized by her beauty and passionate innocence, as I bit back the burning in my belly that was my pending orgasm from the pleasure she was giving me.

I slowly slipped my hands from her hips as they rocked against me, slipping them along her sweat dampened skin until I was cupping her breasts in my hands. They were soft as silk and heavy with their delicious weight. Just the feel of them in my hands made it so I could not stop touching her, pinching her nipples, making her arch into my touch from Tanya moaned loudly while watching me touch Bella with wild abandon.

"That's it Edward. She loves that. Make her come, Baby," she said in a raspy voice from overuse and over stimulation from the erotic show we were giving her.

"Oh god," Bella moaned as she continued to rock against me, as I thrust up into her, clinging to my belly as best as she could, making me hiss each time her nails dug into my skin seeking purchase, as we moved together. But this wasn't enough. I needed more. I needed deeper, harder, faster. I needed to claim her, mark her as mine. It burned inside of me like a flame threatening to consume, as I struggled to control it, but in the end there was no control. There was sex. There was desire. There was the base need to fuck and nothing was more powerful than that.

"Oh god, yes," Tanya moaned as she watched us. I looked back to find her eyes locked upon where Bella and I were joined. She was watching as my cock rose up to meet Bella's hard downward thrust upon me. She was watching as I fucked a woman she considered to be her understudy, her favorite student, her closest confident, and she was enjoying it. She was living the fantasy with each thrust; each moan and each quivering cry that Bella gave me, as I filled her deep and hard. She was there with us, climbing ever higher, seeking her release, as we fought together to find our own.

I pulled Bella off me with a groan at the loss of her wet pussy which was no longer wrapped around me, as she whined angrily in response. I moved quickly on the bed, pulling her, pushing her, until she was on her back, legs spread wide and vulnerable before me. I could hear Tanya's excited hiss of yes, as she watched me pull and contort this girl into the position I wanted to claim her in. It was a deep yes that made me look over at her to find her arched off the lounge with that damn purple vibrator buried deep inside of her. It was beautiful in a perverse way to see her like this: head tossed back in pleasure, back arched, pebbled nipples straight up in the air, while her legs were spread open, exposing her needy pussy for me, as she pleasure herself while watching me live out a fantasy that was her doing. It was so beautiful and yet so perfectly wrong for us both to be taking so much pleasure from something so twisted in its splendor. It made me want to fuck Bella harder, and then take my own wife hard and dirty, just like she liked it, in thanks for her thoughtful, yet filthy ways.

"That's it baby. Show me how good it is. Show me how good her sweet little pussy is," she said to me, while Bella moaned in response to her dirty words, pushing me on to do as I needed to this girl who had wanted this as badly as I did.

I could not think. I could not breathe. I just knew what I needed, and that need drove me to burying myself inside of her with a groan, as the shock of her heat and tightness engulfed me once more. Bella cried out immediately, arching her back in pleasure and what could have been pain, as I closed my eyes, fighting the urge to fuck without thought or meaning just to rid myself of the burning pressure inside of me.

I gripped her hips hard, driving into her with each rough thrust that pushed her up the bed until her hands were pushing at the headboard, as it shook violently against the wall. All I could see was Bella's beautiful face contorted in pleasure as she came with a low groan of my name, while I slammed into her repeatedly without mercy, as Tanya mimicked my actions upon herself with the vibrator that was whirling at full speed. All I could smell was the heady scent of Bella's arousal mixed with the tangy scent I knew to be Tanya's. All I could hear were her low moans, short gasps and the wet sound of me fucking her with an animalistic force that made me growl, as I took what was mine from her, while Tanya's cries added to the symphony we were creating. All I could feel was her gripping me tighter and tighter with her cunt until her body bowed towards mine, as she cried out in pleasure, as she came hard around my cock, and as her wet response seeped out around me on to the shaking bed beneath her. I struggled to breathe during this rapture that was purely Bella induced, while Tanya seemed miles away, lost in her own pleasure of watching us fuck so furiously.

There was nothing else but this moment. There was nothing but me inside of her, claiming her as my own. There was no Tanya in the corner watching with greedy eyes and words of encouragement, as I fucked this girl harder than I had ever thought was possible. There was nothing but the driving rhythm inside of me, making my muscles burn with exertion, until I finally reached the peak of madness with a loud guttural cry of pleasure that came from the depth of my soul. There was nothing but the blinding white ecstasy that caused my body to stiffen like a stone, while I buried myself as deep in her as I could while releasing every bit of torturous pleasure. All that was left was the smoldering embers that burned me into the woman who created that fire inside of me. It was overwhelming. It was wonderful. It was so fucking wrong that it had to be right, since I had never come with such intensity. It was with a fervor that wracked my body with such a force that actually hurt from the strength of it in the most amazing way. It left me weak and humbled by the passion that burned within these two beautiful women who choose to share it with me.

I fell upon her body gasping for air, as the weakness from such a release overtook me, leaving my jello-like muscles to spasm while my cock still jerked wildly inside of her, continuing to spill into her, as if it had been years, since I had come, not days, while Tanya's low moans of satisfaction filled the air out around us. Bella held me against her, wrapping her legs that were still quivering, around my waist to trap me in place, even though there was no need. I wasn't going anywhere. I was spent in the best way.

I could never leave after being burned to ash by this girl and the gift that was given to me.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! Ah… no winner winner chicken dinner for me with The Taste of the Forbidden Contest, but that's ok since I am still left to write up this plot idea I have had buried in my evil queen plot journal for ages now. So yeah, it's all good.**

**Ready for a shocker? This story will be beta'd. I know, shocking huh? I will be looking at updating each Saturday since that gives plenty of time to write & correct my aversion to commas and my over use of the word as. With that being said, a special thanks goes out to Sunflower, Tracy, & Jen for beta'ing this mess. You have no idea how messed it up was before lol. **

** I am working on chapter two now, but I am not sure if it will done in time for a weekend posting. I do hope you will come back and check it out though.**

** Thanks to all who voted for the story and I hope you will stick around for the ride I have planned here. Congrats to the winners of the contest I hope that you will enjoy my version of what I feel is taboo since to me nothing is more taboo than giving your husband the gift that could end your marriage. I mean, it's the gift that keeps on giving, right? **

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

The brightness of the morning sky forced my eyes open and for, one second, I was still the guy I was yesterday. I was still the guy who averted his eyes when another woman's breasts or thighs were on public display. I was still the guy who had only ever felt the touch of his wife's hand. I was still the guy that had only ever been with one woman but had fantasized about another. I was still the guy who's life was normal, boring, average, but that all vanished when I opened my eyes.

The cruel daylight was like a punch to the gut, as I realized that last night with Bella, everything, was not a dream. I scrambled to sit up as I twisted in bed expecting to find the brunette that had been my birthday gift but was only greeted with the cold sheets where she had been. She was gone and while I should have felt better that I didn't have to face her in the cold day light, not seeing here there curled up asleep only made it worse.

I got out of bed as quietly as I could, not that it mattered since Tanya could sleep through a train wreck, but I still wasn't in the mood to speak with her either. I stumbled on my feet while seeking out my boxers from last night before giving up and grabbing a new pair, as I fought the urge to run. It was a violent urge that made my hands shake, as I pulled open the closed bedroom door while noting that it had been open last night. It all had been open; the door, the window, my marriage.

_My marriage._

I was so fucked, so very fucked, and the thought of it made my empty stomach lurch as I stood in the empty hallway. I leaned against the wall and closed my eyes for a moment to calm the anxiety that was rising at a pandemic rate inside of me, but no matter how I looked at it, no matter who said it was ok, I still had broken a vow I had made to Tanya and God. I still had touched another woman, loved another woman, and been inside of woman who was not my wife.

I closed my eyes as a fresh wave of guilt washed over me and my mind went on autopilot, taunting me with every name that a man like me should be called.

_Cheater._

_ Adulterer._

_ Asshole._

All the names stung as I realized how badly I fucked up.

"Baby?" I heard Tanya call to me as she slipped her arms around my middle before pressing close against me. I could hear the worry in her voice, as I closed my eyes, not wanting to see her since no matter what she said, I knew what I was.

"Baby? You ok?" she asked me as she kissed the skin of my lower shoulder and she pressed close so that we were skin to skin standing in the hallway. I could feel the heat of her skin and the weight of her breasts as she pushed closer to me.

"No," I managed to whisper to her as I shook my head in response, as she sighed a troubled sigh before peppering my back with kisses.

"Come back to bed with me," she whispered against my skin, but the idea of taking her to the bed where I had lived out my fantasies seemed beyond wrong and made me sick.

"Come on, baby," she whispered as she pulled on my arm just as I turned to face her with baited breath. I expected to find to her judgment. I expected to find her worried look, but I never expected to find the lustful twinkle in her eyes.

"Oh, baby," she cooed as she looked at me while reaching up to run her fingers over my stubble covered cheek in a soothing manner.

"I'm sorry," I whispered to her, even though I knew she had no idea why I was sorry.

"Nothing to be sorry about, baby," she said with a wide grin that hinted at the want I could see written on her face.

"I'm just glad you liked your gift," she said teasingly as she pulled me down the hall back to our room.

"And you did _enjoy_ her, didn't you, baby?" she asked me in a breathless tone that told me what she wanted.

I wanted to lie to her. I wanted to tell her that my night with Bella was nothing compared to her. I wanted to tell her that I now understood what she meant when she spoke of the meaningless sex that she used to have with other men before me and the burning need to come, no matter who brought you that pleasure, but I couldn't. It wasn't like that with Bella, or at least it wasn't like that for me.

There was something there. There was a spark between us. A spark that made me burn as I fought every instinct to take her, mark her and make her mine. There was a feeling and because of it, I could not say it was nothing. I could not say that it was meaningless, since there was meaning, even if I couldn't tell you what it was, yet.

"You loved it didn't you, baby," Tanya said in a deeper voice as I moved her away from the bed that were still covered in the sheets that smelled of sex and another woman towards the chase where she had slept without me.

"You loved her hot little mouth wrapped around your cock, didn't you?" she asked me in a naughty whisper, as she pushed me back on the velvet chase so that I was laying there watching her as she tried to tease me. Tanya's blue eyes shined bright with sex and want as she grinned at me as she stood above me naked and, proud, while running a hand down her bare chest to cup her own breasts. I watched as she tweaked her own nipples that were pebbled from the cold air in the room as well as want, while she bit her lip and rolled her eyes with pleasure in response.

She was beautiful, and it was always that untamed splendor that took my breath away. It was no different now as she stood there, letting me gaze at her soft skin before leaning over to tug on my boxers as if she wanted them gone, but I clung to them tightly, not caring that my aching dick wanted them gone as well.

"I haven't showered," I told her, as I covered my hard on as if covering it would make it go away.

"I don't care," she said, as she continued to pull on my boxers, taking them down, inch by inch, with each persistent tug of her hands.

"I want you like this," she said, as she looked at me with a wild look in her eyes, as I shook my head no at her.

"I want to taste her on you," she whispered in a soft growl, as I closed my eyes while my stomached knotted with nerves that I had not felt since Tanya since the first time she had lured me into sex with her.

"I want to taste you and her," she purred to me, as her hands tugged harder on the material until my cock sprang free with excitement as my boxers remained tangled around my thighs.

"It was so beautiful to watch her take you in her mouth," she cooed, as she stroked at my cock with her long fingers before dipping down to lick at the precum that was dripping from my cock over her dirty words and the images they created for me as my mind flashed back to the brown eyed beauty who had tasted me last night. The feeling of her tongue, raspy against the head of my cock, as she lapped at me caused my hips to flex involuntarily, pushing my cock into her mouth.

"Did you like to watch her, baby?" she asked me, knowing how much I loved to watch, before closing her pouty lips around my cock in a loving kiss.

"I loved watching her," she moaned, as my cock slipped out her mouth and she licked her lips with a grin, as I grabbed at her long hair to pull her back to me in the gentlest way possible.

"Oh, baby" she moaned before licking me from base to tip, as if I was her favorite lollipop.

"I can taste her on you," she said, pulling me out of the state of ecstasy I was in like a bucket of ice water was dumped upon me.

"I can taste her sweet pussy on you, baby, and it's so good," she moaned before licking me with more gusto as if she was seeking out the taste. My hands sought out her hair, trying to make her stop her erratic licking since I was too far gone to handle such teasing. I wanted her mouth. I needed the relief. I needed something to take the edge off of the compulsion to fuck that she had caused with her dirty words and wicked tongue.

Tanya pulled away from my cock and crawled up my body in a move that was reminiscent of Bella from last night. It was that movement that brought me back to the sexy, yet innocent brown eyes of the girl I had spent last night with. It was an image that was so bright and demanding in my mind's eye, that as I looked and found my wife hovering above me with her wild eyes so blue with lust, that they startled me. It left me feeling off kilter, uneven, twisted in a way that was like I was back in the moment with Bella, yet I wasn't. I was here with Tanya. I was here with Tanya and her naughty whispers of how she watched a girl slip and slide along my cock.

"Did it feel so good, Edward?" she asked me in a breathless tone, as she slid along my cock like Bella had, teasing me, while not letting my cock go any further then slipping along her wet pussy lips.

"It looked so good, baby," she moaned loudly, as she closed her eyes, while her nails dug into the skin if my belly that held scratches from Bella's nails. I closed my eyes, as my head started to spin, as her hips rotated while her hand helped guide me inside of her with a low grunt of pleasure, as I was engulfed inside of her in one smooth motion. There was no pinch of pleasure. No struggling for me to fit. No push and pull of us coming together: nothing, but smooth sliding deep inside of the woman who was used to my length and girth.

"Oh baby," she moaned in a low voice, as she sat upon me, letting me feel her wrapped around me while I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth, suddenly missing the tight warmth I had experienced hours earlier.

"It was so fucking beautiful to watch her take you," she moaned, rotating her hips so I moved inside of her, yet not releasing me from her body.

"So fucking beautiful to watch her stretch and move to take you in," she whispered in a raspy voice, as I shook my head no, and I gritted my teeth against the urge to come now with the memory how good Bella looked upon me, tits shaking, legs spread, pussy quivering to take all I could give her and more. It was beautiful and filthy. It was wrong and so fucking right that I needed again.

Without another word, Tanya moved above me, rising fast and slamming down hard, as she used my cock hard for her pleasure. I opened my eyes and felt the ache of disappointment, as I saw her long blond curls waving, while she held on to my thighs while her tits bounced hard. She was stunning and yet not what I wanted to see. I wanted brown eyes and pink nipples. I wanted pouty lips wide open in awe and the feel of her chestnut locks tickling my thighs as she leaned back to take me deeper. I wanted something more and, thought of it made me ache it also made me sick, since there was nothing I should want more than my wife.

I gripped Tanya's hips hard, pulling her up and down on my dick, as she screamed loudly for me to fuck her in between raspy cries of Bella's name while she came with a sob. It was the feeling of her orgasm that forced me into mine, as I held her down upon my cock, coming with a cry that was too high, too emotional while I shook with each jerk of my cock inside of her.

I could not think of anything, except the feeling of dread and bliss that came with that orgasm. It was consuming and left me breathless, as Tanya lay upon me for the space of a heart beat before rolling off of me, causing my cock to flop against my stomach with a wet sound as she giggled.

"I'm surprised you can even get it up after last night," she said with a breathless giggle that only made my stomach ache.

"What does that mean?" I asked her feeling guilty over the fact that while, with my wife I thought of another woman.

"I mean, how many times did you fuck her last night? I think I remember four," she said with the same naughty giggle, as she ran her fingers through my sparse chest hair that she had once claimed was manly looking. She was wrong. I had been with Bella five times. Four times with Tanya awake, watching, encouraging me while shaking through her own orgasms and a fifth time in the middle of the night while Tanya slept. It was quiet and soft. There was nothing demanding or rushed. It was just Bella and I mixed with this spark of something that made her impossible not to touch or want.

"You were a machine, baby," she cooed to me as if her words were a compliment except instead of that feel good feeling that Tanya would leave me with after a particular good fucking, I was left with a sick twisting in my stomach, as I nodded in agreement that it was only four times. I couldn't tell her about the fifth time. I couldn't tell her about the whispered words that were nonsense spoken between me and the girl who was my gift. I could not tell her about the sleepy look of lust and wonder as I slowly made love to the girl in thanks for everything that she had given to me. I could not tell her since it was something just between Bella and me. It was something that should only between Bella and me, not to shared, not to be cheapened with urges to fuck harder or faster. It was just us, and it was the only thank you I could offer her.

"I told you would love this," she said in her typical know it all manner that was just so Tanya, it made me smile in spite of myself.

"I can't wait to do this again," she said with a giggle as her fingers trailed lower to trace over my limp cock that jumped at the idea of another night with Bella.

"I don't know…" I said as I trailed off, uncertain if the want or the fear of fucking Bella again would win out as the dominate emotion.

"Come on, Edward. You know you want to," she said with a yawn as she snuggled closer to me with a tired, yet pleased smile. Of course she was pleased. Tanya loved to get her way, and this was her getting her way. She had wanted to bring another woman to our bed for years, but each time I said no. I should have said no last night, yet I couldn't. Bella was my weakness, and she knew it too. She chose our new lover well and because of it, I had agreed.

"I'm sure Bella won't mind. She's been into you for years now," she said as I shook my head no at her.

"No, it's true," she said with a snicker as she opened her tired eyes to look at me with a teasing grin.

"She heard me talking to another one of my students, a cute little red head I know you would have loved, but she couldn't make it, so Bella offered to take her place," she said with a snicker.

"She offered?" I questioned, as I looked at my wife who had gone back to her sleeping smile with her eyes closed.

"Yeah. Who knew she was into old men," she said with a laugh, as she pressed her face into my chest and breathed me in, just like she had done every night that we had spent together.

"Is she still here?" she asked me with a yawn, as she wrapped her legs around me as if I was her human pillow.

"No, I think she left early this morning," I replied, as I closed my eyes while Tanya scratched along the skin of my side; making me shiver with her ticklish touch.

"Poor girl. I told her not to be embarrassed, but Bella is just… well, Bella," she said with a tired giggle, as I as shook my head over the idea of her running away from me and Tanya like I had wanted to. I hated that she had felt the need to run, even though I understood it. I wanted to run as well. I still felt the need to; it was just Tanya's body holding me in place.

"I love you, baby," Tanya whispered to me in a satisfied sigh, as I held her closer to me to help ease to coldness that was seeping in around me.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! This early update for all of you who took a chance to read this story that I have posted here. It is my way of thanking you. **

**As always I thank Fran and Tracy for cleaning up my grammar and words. If there are any mistakes remaining they are on me and the rush job I did with corrections.**

**The next update will be on Saturday and I plan on replying to reviews with a teaser for chapter 3.**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

Days passed and, as they did, I took every chance I could to avoid Bella. I stopped going to Tanya's office unless I knew Bella was gone. I stopped going to the campus coffee shop, since I knew she studied there. I found myself holding up in the small office that I shared with Jasper, even though most days it was a miserable experience.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Jasper asked me after a week of not leaving the office to go anywhere except home or class.

"Nothing is wrong with me," I countered back in a high pitched voice, as I tugged at my hair in a nervous fashion that even I could not hide.

"Ok," he said in an exaggerated manner that made me roll my eyes as we fell back into an uncomfortable silence for the space of a heartbeat.

"How's Alice?" I asked him as I struggled to fill the silence with something other than his critical stare.

"The beast is good," he said with a snort, laughing at his own nickname for the woman he married.

"Tan wants to know if you two want to do dinner," I said as I poured myself some coffee while I felt his eyes upon me. He was watching just like he had, ever since the night of the birthday party and knowing this made me uncomfortable.

Jasper was the type of guy that just knew things. He knew when I was lying, or when I had gotten laid. I liked the joke that it was because we shared an office the size of a small closet, but the truth was that he just was intuitive like that. It was this all knowing ability of his that scared the shit out me now, since the last thing I ever wanted to tell him about was my birthday gift from Tanya.

"Alice would rather be fisted than spend another night around your wife," he said with a snort that made me smile, since it was common knowledge how much she hated her. Tanya was loud and no topic was safe from discussion, while Alice was a little more reserved. She hated the sex questions that Tan had asked her: it made her uncomfortable, and I understood, since they had made me uncomfortable as well.

"That's too bad," I murmured with a snort as I turned to look out the small window that was close to my desk. It over looked the courtyard where students would often gather and read beneath the trees. It was comforting to watch the people moving between the buildings, and I needed soothing, since I had been off ever since my birthday night.

I listened to Jasper rambling on about something involving Alice and his son as I watched the movement of people below. It was then that I noticed her. She was wearing denim capri's, which meant she had taught today, and a gray tee shirt that was just snug enough to show off the curve of her breasts. Her long hair was pulled back, and she wearing those damn red glasses that were bejeweled. She was lost in a book while munching on an apple that was most likely her lunch. She looked sweet and innocent. She looked scholarly and timeless. She looked as if she didn't have a care in the world, and it was that thought that bothered me.

It rattled me that she had walked away from me without a word or good bye. It shook me that somehow this girl, this child who was barely twenty-three, was fine with arrangement we had that night, while I was tormented over it. I was at a loss over what happened that night. I was dumbfounded over it all, yet this girl, who sat with the apple in her hand as if she was Eve from the garden of Eden, willing me to take a bite of the fruit, was unaffected by it all.

"Are you even listening to me?" Jasper asked me as I stood up while knocking my coffee over in my haste that came with the righteous indignation that burned within me.

"Where are you going?" he called after me as I took off out of our office in an almost full sprint to approach the girl who had haunted my dream. I was going to demand an explanation. I was going to demand a reason why she left without another word and had avoided me since, even though I had avoided her as well. I was going to demand something, anything, just to show me that she felt something from that night we shared.

I turned down the stairwell, skipping steps as I went, until I burst out on to the quad, causing the students who were sitting by the door to jump in surprise over my sudden appearance. I stalked over to the picnic table where Bella had been sitting to confront her, but found it to be empty. She was gone, and once more, I was left in total disarray over it.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Jasper cried out in a shocked tone as he tried to catch up with me.

"What the hell is going on?" he asked me in a breathless tone as I stood, staring at the spot where she had been.

"She was here and…and…" I stammered stupidly as I turned to look at him while tugging on my hair. Jasper stared at me with wide eyes that held a worried, yet confused look.

"Who was here?" he asked me slowly as if I had lost mind and maybe I had.

"Who was here, Edward?" he repeated as he looked around for the missing person, even though he had no idea who I was speaking of.

"Bella. Bella was here," I sputtered as I scanned the crowd for her dark hair and purple chucks that she wore.

"Big fucking deal," he said with a gasp of a laugh as if it was nothing and to him it was nothing. He didn't know. He had no idea that I needed to see her.

"And here I thought that maybe someone cool was here. Don't get me wrong, Bella is a hot piece of ass that I love to stare at too, but this…" he said as he waved at the air around us while I looked down in embarrassment. "This whole thing with you running and acting like an idiot, well, she's not worth that," he snorted as he punched me in the shoulder before turning to leave while motioning for me to follow. I walked slowly behind him, all the while watching for her appearance, but knowing that the girl was long gone.

It wasn't until we were back in our office that he turned to me with his all knowing blue eyes that always seemed to be able to read me so well.

"So, you gonna tell me what the fuck is going on or what?" he asked me as he sat down on the edge of his desk while I collapsed in my battered office chair.

"I don't…" I started to say, but he silenced me with a dark look. He was tired of my lies. Hell, even I was tired of my lies.

"If I tell you," I started to say, but then stopped as his eyes went bright with that overbearing asshole look that I was accustomed to when it came to Jasper. "And I do mean, _if _I tell you, I need to know that you will try your best not be the fucking prick that you typically are and instead, just be my friend," I growled at him making him snicker at me.

"This has to be about with sex. Nothing gets your panties in a twist like sex. Jesus, what did Tan do? Did she pull out the anal beads again? You told me you didn't mind them once you got over the shock of it," he said with a barky laugh that was like pouring gasoline on the open flame of my frustration.

"She gave me Bella for my birthday," I growled in anger at him. As soon as my words registered in his mind, he went silent.

"She gave me another woman for my birthday gift," I repeated slowly for him as I watched his eyes go wide with surprise.

"Another woman?" he questioned me softly as if he had not heard me right. I nodded in response and then felt the familiar sick feeling wash over me.

"Holy fuck," he muttered softly as he sat there, letting the silence of the room weigh us down for a moment as I fought of the urge to either get sick or run. The silence stretched between us until he finally let out a low whistle while looking away before turning back to me with bright, excited eyes.

"You are the luckiest son of a bitch I have ever met in my whole entire fucking life!" he practically yelled at me before breaking out into a loud laugh that made the sinking feeling inside of me nearly swallow me whole.

"I swear to God, man," he said with a snicker as he eyed me with grin that needed to be knocked off his face.

"So you a… you know…you watched them together?" he asked me without pausing for me to answer. "Jesus, I would kill to watch that. I mean, I have no doubt that Tanya is a hellcat in bed, but that Bella and that innocent little blush of hers…Shit, I bet that girl is so sweet," he said as he sucked the air between his teeth like a dirty old man as his eyes glazed over with the thoughts of Bella while I saw red in response.

"You will shut the fuck up!" I hissed at him while whipping my stapler at him, since it was the first thing within reach.

"Calm the fuck down," Jasper laughed as he dodged the stapler with a laugh.

"I didn't watch them together," I hissed in anger at him, unable to stop the words from coming out of my mouth. "Tanya watched us," I growled over his laughter. As soon as the word had left my lips, Jasper's laughter stopped, and he just stared at me in what could have been shock or awe. I wasn't sure which it was; I only knew I didn't deserve it.

"She watched us. That's what she wanted. That's what she gave me," I sputtered as I felt the weight on my chest lighten with each word I spoke while he remained silent.

"So, let me get this right," he said in a softer tone that somehow seemed more civilized. "Not only did your wife bring another woman into the bedroom, she brought another woman in for you to fuck?" he questioned as I nodded my head in agreement.

"She knew that I…that I liked Bella," I sputtered out loud, sounding stupid even to my own ears.

"Damn," he muttered softly before giving me a grin that told me the typical asshole Jasper was back.

"So, tell me about it," he said as I groaned in response.

"No way," I mumbled as I closed my eyes to block him out, but just like every other time I closed my eyes since that night, I was immediately bombarded with images of Bella.

Bella on top of me, eyes closed and mouth hung open in pleasure.

Bella with her pink lips wrapped around my cock.

Bella with her hair tangled around her like a dark halo, and her dark eyes, soft from sleep, looking up into mine with a dreamy expression that made my heart falter in my chest.

Bella with her soft gasps and legs wrapped around my waist as we quietly fucked on the bed while Tanya slept in the room close to us.

The last image was my favorite one. It was always that image that I thought of when I wanted to think about that night. It was always her like that, soft and warm, whispering sweet words in to my ear while I thanked her the only way she would let me.

"Come on," he whined as I rolled my eyes at him once more, as I tried to clear the images in my head while hiding the reaction they always gave me.

"I don't ask about you and Alice," I retorted causing him to grimace and shudder as if I had gotten to him.

"Hell, I don't want to think about sex with Alice even when _I_ _am_ having sex with her, so for the love of God, man, shut the fuck up," he said with a bitter expression on his face, as if he had tasted something sour instead of mentioning his wife.

"You need to be kinder to the woman you married," I said with a shaky laugh that made him snort in response.

"No way, but what I _do_ need is for Alice to go birthday shopping for me with Tanya, since obviously that woman knows how to give a gift," he said with a chuckle as I choked in response to his words.

"You are an asshole," I muttered as he laughed at me, but this time it was an honest laugh. He really thought this was funny.

"Why are you acting like this?" he demanded as he continued to laugh at me. "I mean, your wife, God bless her, gave you the gift of fucking your dream girl, and don't you fucking deny it," he said as he pointed his finger at me while I sputtered in response.

"She gave you the one woman you wanted outside of her; talk about the perfect fucking gift," he said with a laugh, as I rolled my eyes in response.

"You know what Alice gave me for my thirtieth birthday?" he asked me, as I shook my head no in response. "A gym membership since she said she didn't want me getting fat," he said in disgust while making me laugh just as he muttered on about his wife.

"I'm just saying, that is a pretty thoughtful wife you have there if you ask me," he said with a snicker while I shook my head no, even though it was thoughtful, it was also the most fucked up thing Tan and I had ever done together.

"You don't understand," I said with a sigh as I shook my head at him, kicking myself for telling him, since I knew he would not understand. Jasper never understood when it came to things like this. To him, sex was no big deal and that's how it was with Tan as well, but I was different. Sex meant something to me and the idea of it being meaningless cut me deep inside. It was stupid, but it did.

"I do understand. You got what some men dream of. You got a night with a beautiful girl that you happen to fantasize about while your wife watched, which is pretty fucking kinky awesome, if you ask me," Jasper said as I shook my head no in response to his ridiculous statement. I did not just get that one night to live a fantasy. I also had memories and flash backs. I could still smell Bella in my room and on the sheets of my bed, even though they had been washed since that night. I had the living ghost of a girl that now avoided me like the fucking plague and a wife who wanted to relive every moment like it belonged on a top ten highlight reel. It was too much and I was slowly coming undone from it all.

"What you need to do is go home and thank the hot ass wife of yours, and then tell her to call my wife since I am amending my Christmas list right now to include that hot little Mexican chick from the coffee shop. Alice watching me and girl is completely optional," he said with a nasty sounding snicker as I stood up once more to leave.

"What?" he called after me as I pushed him out of the way so I could leave the shit hole of an office that I shared with him. "Too soon?" he called after me with a barking laugh, as I grabbed my book bag that I carried around like a damn student so I could leave him and his smart ass stupidity behind for the day.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! Thanks to Tracy for her kind corrections and to Sabrina for just being wonderful. You ladies are awesome! I will include a teaser for ch 4 all review replies.**

**Until next week,**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

Night classes were always the worst. No one wanted to be there, not even myself and I taught the damned thing, but Sociology 101 was a great starter class for the university's freshmen, so here I sat.

"Mr. Cullen, do you find this stuff interesting?" The girl with the pink hair and lip ring asked me. She always sat up front and scowled at me as if I were wasting her time, and tonight was no different.

"I do. There is something about studying society as a whole. The norms and social standards that we value are quiet interesting, don't you think?" I asked, earning a snicker from the guy who sat behind her.

"Whatever," she mumbled just as the clock struck nine, which was my cue that it was time to get the hell out of there. I needed to go home. I needed to get away from here and these people who were as disinterested in being here as myself.

"Ok, guys, I'll see you next week. Don't forget the paper due!" I called out, as they grabbed their stuff and fled like they were leaving a burning building. Well, everyone, except those faithful students, the ones that wanted every point and perfection that the class could give them. I stood in the middle of the throng of young girls who asked questions and wanted study groups that I, personally, would host. It was ridiculous. It was during their ludicrous questions that I looked up and saw her. Bella was sitting in the back of the class with a bemused look upon her face. Just knowing that she was watching me made me nervous even though she had watched me before, but that was different.

"Thank you, Mr. Cullen," the blonde girl called out to me in a flirty tone that made Bella smile, my eyes locked with hers for a split second before she looked away.

I listened to the girl babble on while I kept a close eye on Bella. It was ridiculous, but I had to make sure that she stayed. I had waited over a week to see her and here she was now, as if my irritation had conjured her up before me. It was too good of a situation to pass up, yet I was stuck. I was caught by a student who was more interested in me than my class.

"You will be there, right, Edward?" the girl asked me, pulling my attention back to her with a sharp glare. The blonde girl, Lauren, I believed her name was, knew I never went by my first name. It was too personal. It lifted the somewhat small barrier I had created between my students and myself.

"Lauren, I would appreciate it if you referred to me as Mr. Cullen," I said in a firm tone, as I looked at the girl who just smiled nervously in return.

"I just thought…" she stated to say, but I stopped her immediately.

"Then, don't. Now, if you'll excuse me," I said, urging her to leave me be. Thankfully, she nodded while whispering a good bye, as she turned to leave me in the almost-empty room.

"What are you doing here?" I asked her in a harsh tone, as some of my misplaced anger seeped out at the girl who remained seated in the back of the empty room.

"I heard you were looking for me," she said in a soft tone that reminded me of the raspy tone she had used while whispering in my ear that night.

"Who told you that?" I demanded, as I thought of my wife. There was no way she knew I was looking for the girl. She was too busy patting herself on the back with her thoughtful gift and planning our next sexcapade.

"My roommate saw you in the quad today," she said in an embarrassed tone, as she looked away from me. She had no reason to be embarrassed, but I did. I knew I looked like a fucking lunatic that afternoon as I scanned the crowd out there for her.

"What did you need, Edward?" she asked me in her soft tone that hinted at the teasing want which her words were laced with. It was this mockery of what we had done that was killing me.

"Don't," I whispered to her in a gravelly tone, that was far from the strength and restraint I needed when I came to this girl.

"Don't, what?" she asked innocently, in atone that made my dick ache with want. I loved that innocent act. I loved it more since I knew she was so far from innocent that it was almost laughable.

"Don't act like you want this," I said firmly, as I watched her approach me. She moved with grace and ease, like a predator stalking its prey. It was intimidating and thrilling as I realized that I _wanted_ to be her prey. I _wanted_ her to devour me whole. I wanted it in the most perverse and heated of ways.

"But what if I do?" she asked me softly, as she came to a halt in front of me. I looked into her big, amber-colored eyes that reminded me of bourbon and the sweet sin that it felt to be inside of this girl. I was almost lost in her eyes when a flash of consciousness reappeared in the form of a text message.

_Running late, baby. See you when you get home._

Tanya was out with a few other professors. I had expected Bella to be with her, yet she was standing before me in her soft pink flowered sundress and white sweater, looking too sweet to be so tempting.

"Why are you here?" I asked her again, taking a step back just as she took a step closer to me. I watched as an amused look settled on her lovely face as she adjusted her sweater, covering her cleavage that was proudly on display.

"I told you…" she began again, but I stopped her.

"Yeah, I know I was looking for you in the quad, but..." I started to say, but she silenced me as she stepped closer to me, so close that we were almost touching now.

"Why were you looking for me?" she asked me, as she looked up at my face with a slight frown that surprised me.

"You don't want to me look for you?" I asked, without thinking. It wasn't the question I wanted to ask, but it was the one I could not stop from coming out. I felt a pang of nerves in my belly as she frowned at me.

"I do, but…" she said softly, as she stopped speaking and just looked at me with those bottomless amber eyes of hers. They left me breathless with how much emotion they held.

"But?" I questioned, as I looked at her with bated breath, unsure if I wanted to know her answer. Part of me wanted her to want me, while the other part needed her to push me away, since I couldn't seem to walk away from her.

"I shouldn't," she whispered softly, as if it were a dirty, little secret meant only for me. I watched as she worried her bottom lip with her teeth in a cute manner that made her look younger than her twenty-three years.

"I'm a married man," I whispered to her, giving her and myself a good reason as to why she shouldn't want me to look for her any more. I was married. I was married to a good woman who offered this girl up on a silver platter complete with a bow around her waist.

"I work for your wife and she's my advisor," she whispered with a hidden grin as if somehow, the more taboo the list became, the more she liked the idea of my wanting her.

"I know," I said, as I watched this girl with her perfect pink lips and wide brown eyes. I tried clearing my throat, but it only came out in a garbled whimper instead.

"But, I can't seem to help myself," she whispered, as she brought her hand up and trailed her fingers down my chest, letting me see the warmth of her touch.

"I think about you all the time, Edward," she half-moaned and half- whispered, with her eyes glassy in a way that I was all too familiar with. She wanted me. I could see it on her face with her red cheeks and sleepy-looking eyes. I could almost smell it coming off of her in waves. It was too much and too overpowering to ignore.

"Do you think of me?" she asked in a soft, almost dreamy tone, which made the pressure in my cock increase. She stepped so close that she was pressed against me, as I leaned back on the white board that was attached to the wall. It was the only thing that was keeping me standing as I looked down at the living temptation that had been haunting me.

"Do you, Edward? Do you think of me?" she asked in that low whisper that made me harder than I thought possible. I opened my mouth to speak, yet I couldn't. I couldn't tell her that I thought of her all the time. I couldn't tell her that she consumed my thoughts or how I could smell her in my bed. It would be too creepy, too much and too wrong of me to admit such a thing.

"I think of you and your skin. I think of how you tasted and the sounds you made when you came," she half-whispered in a low groan, as if the memory was enough to bring her to the edge of pleasure.

This needed to stop. I needed to stop this before it went too far, but the truth was it had already gone too far. I had already tasted her skin and there was no going back from that. I opened my mouth to speak and try to gain some sort of composure in the out-of-control situation I had placed myself in when the classroom door flew open with a loud bang. The jarring sound caused us both to jump in surprise as Marty, the custodian, pushed his cart through the door. I watched as his eyes went wide with surprise to find me pinned against the board by a woman half my size.

The old man stopped and stared at us, while his dark eyes took in the scene before him. I had known Marty for five years. He had worked at this small university since his late forties in order to help pay for his kids' college tuition, and I knew just from the expression on his face he had never expected to find me in this fucked-up situation.

"Marty," I stuttered nervously, as he looked at me with his all-knowing eyes. He knew. He knew I had been with this girl. I could feel it with the look of disappointment on his winkled face.

"Edward, everything OK, son?" he asked me in a calmly, as he uncertainly looked from me to Bella. It was a look of opportunity. He was giving me the chance to explain, but I wasn't sure what there was to explain.

"Everything is fine. Ms. Swan was just asking me how my birthday was," I offered up to him lamely, while Bella snickered over my choice of words.

"Yeah, that was a nice party your parents had for you. Your folks are good people, I tell you," he said, as he eyed me cautiously before looking back at the small woman who had not moved an inch since the old man entered the room. Her body was still pressed against mine in the most pleasant torture possible.

"You sticking around?" he asked me with a knowing look, as he motioned towards the door, giving me an opportunity out of the mess I had created - at least for the moment.

"Uh, no, we were just on our way out," I said, as I stepped aside and away from Bella to grab my book bag full of papers and books.

"OK, then…well, be careful out there, Edward," he said as he watched me motion for Bella to follow me, as we murmured 'good night' to the old man.

It wasn't until we were out into the cooling night air that Bella laughed a loud nervous laugh. It sound sweet and so full of relief that it made me laugh as well.

"Marty was worried about you," she snickered. I slowed my pace to match hers as we walked toward the building where my office was. I looked over at her and marveled over how pretty she was in the moonlight. The ghostly light made her look almost unearthly in its glow, bleaching out her skin to a creamy white while taking my breath away in the process.

"Marty is a good guy," I offered lamely, as I found myself staring at this girl who turned to grin at me teasingly.

"Marty was worried you were being accosted by one of your crazed female students," she teased, as I groaned in response since it was true.

"You just seem to bring out the animalistic side in women, don't you?" She teased me with a laugh as I shook my head.

"I don't know about that," I said with a half-laugh as I shook my head at her, since that had never been the case for me. I had never had any reaction from women except for Tanya and, at first; her reaction was more amusement than want.

We approached the building together and, as Bella turned towards the parking lot that was close by, I stopped her.

"It's late and I would feel better if you'd let me walk you to your car, but I just need to put some of this away," I explained, as I opened the door for her to come with me to my office. I watched as she hesitated for a moment before finally agreeing to come with me, all the while explaining how she was a big girl and could take care of herself.

"Listen, I have no doubt that you can take care of yourself, it's just that…" I stammered on as she looked at me with those amber-colored eyes that always seemed to render me dumb. "It's just that I need to know you're safe so…please just humor me," I said, as I watched the irritated expression on her face soften to a sweet smile just as we stopped outside of my office door. I unlocked the door while reassuring her in a murmur that this would only take a moment, but she didn't seem to care as she followed me inside before shutting the door behind her.

"I just have to set my books down," I offered, hearing the click of the lock on the door. I turned around to face her slowly and found her standing before the door, with a wanton look upon her face. It was a look that I knew all too well from our night together.

"Bella…" I managed to say, as every reason why we should not be alone in this room together burned bitterly on the tip of my tongue like acid. I had no time to tell her, as Bella moved with confidence, crossing the three steps that separated us in the small space. She reached up, pulling me down in the process, her arms curling around my neck until our lips met in a firm, yet fiery kiss that burned away any reason why I should not be with her in this moment.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed the early update : ) I would like to thank Tracy and Mauigirl60 for their hard work on correcting my who has read my unbeta'd stuff knows how much work they have when they take on a story of mine. I would also like to shout from the rooftops my love for MaxieMoose. She's is my plot beta… She listens to me babble, gives me great advice and helps makes this story better than what it would be. Xoxo Rene… I think I will still update this weekend since at the moment I am almost five chapters ahead… so, see ya on Saturday!**

**Take care,**

**Mamasutra**


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

I sat in my car for what seemed like an eternity in the well-lit parking ramp of my building. I could smell Bella on my skin. I could still taste her on my lips. It was perfect and sinful all at once.

I hadn't intended to let it go so far. I hadn't planned on kissing her, but once her lips met mine, I was done for. I was lost in her and that was all that mattered.

_"We can't do this," I whispered against her lips, not wanting to end the kiss that connected us, but needing to before it went any further._

_ "We can," she practically pleaded as she held me tighter to her._

_ "I…I'm married," I managed to say as I pulled away from her kiss-swollen lips, feeling the surge of power that came with knowing that I did that to her. I had made her lips red and swollen from my kisses until neither of us could breathe. My words cooled the air between us as Bella's hold on me eased for a split second before gripping me tighter, forcing me against her while looking up at me with her lust glazed eyes._

_ "I know, but I don't care," she said, looking at me with a fiery look in her eyes._

_ "And neither does she, Edward. Do you understand me? She doesn't care," Bella said bitterly, before pulling me back to her in a soft kiss that led to another and another, until every kiss blended into one tangled mess._

_ I kissed along her neck and soon, the material of her sundress was gone, leaving Bella in my arms, exposed for my touch. I could not think of anything other than how soft she felt, how sweet she tasted and the soft mewling sounds she made while I tasted her lips._

_ My shirt disappeared as she unbuttoned and pulled on it, tugging the material until it was gone. We were now skin-to-skin, as I pressed her back onto my cluttered desktop. I could barely hear the crashing of my coffee cup as it shattered on the floor or the rustling of papers as they flew off the desk. With each frantic movement, we sought each other's touch until there was nothing between us, not even air._

The silence surrounding me was shattered by the loud 'ding' of my phone, announcing yet another text message from Tanya.

**When you do think you'll be home?**

** I miss you…**

** I want you in bed with me.**

** Don't work too hard baby.**

Every text message she sent was like a knife in my heart, as I was reminded of my failure to her and our marriage. It hurt to read her words and know that she wanted me home with her, to know she was waiting for me while I was lost inside of Bella. It hurt that I had failed the one person I had promised never to let down.

It was with one more yawn and tired rub of my eyes that I got out of the car. I needed to go inside, even though the thought of facing Tanya made me sick to my stomach. She knew me. She knew me better than anyone else and I just knew she would see Bella all over me. She would see the other girl's love all over my skin, since she saw it last time. She was able to see Bella's touch on my skin, and tasted her on my lips for days. It was overwhelming how much she saw of Bella on me and in me after that one night. Knowing this, I was sick inside since there would be no hiding my time with Bella tonight.

I climbed the steps toward our third floor apartment, feeling the heaviness in my footsteps until I was standing before our door. I was spent, both physically and emotionally.

_"Edward, Edward, Edward!" Bella moaned my name as I licked the outline of her nipple, while my free hand cupped her other breast, feeling it heavy in my hand._

_ "I dream of you like this," she moaned loudly, her fingers tangled in my hair while she arched into my touch._

_ "I dream of you like this every night," she whispered to me. I moved against her, releasing her nipple to stand back and look at her, as she sat splayed across my desktop in nothing but her white lace panties. She looked regal and wild. She looked too young and just so perfect with papers scattered underneath her as she arched her back, pushing her heavy tits out toward me, her hard nipples demanding my attention. I had never seen anything so beautiful and wanton in my entire life._

The door swung open causing me to jump with surprise, as Tanya stood before me with a wide, sleepy grin and nothing else.

"What are you doing out here?" she asked, stepping out into the hall and tossing her arms around me, not caring that she was naked.

"What the hell, Tan?" I mumbled. I picked her up in my arms and walked into the apartment while she giggled happily, her toes dragging along the wooden floor beneath her.

"You know I can't stand you going out there naked," I groused as I let her go, setting her down on her feet. She snickered in response.

"I thought you liked it when other men looked at me," she said, with a mock sad face.

"I've never liked that and you know it," I said, turning away from her in irritation.

"I'm sorry," she muttered softly. She let me take a moment to breathe before placing her hand upon my back in what was supposed to be a soothing manner, but there was no comfort in her touch.

"Hey, what's wrong, baby?" she asked me in a soft voice. She knew something was off. She knew something had changed…that I had changed, and that I had failed her.

"Rough night," I replied in a gravelly tone, as I tried to step away from her and her kind. I couldn't tell her. I could never tell her since she would never understand. How could she understand when I didn't?

"I'm sorry, baby," she murmured, as she continued to rub my back, the scratches that Bella had left in the wake of our time together stung under her touch, until I stepped away from her again.

"I'm going to take a shower," I said while trying to sound normal, but I could hear the flatness in my voice. I heard her call after me as I walked away from her, shedding my shoes and bag as I went. I had no idea what she said, and it didn't matter. I just needed to get away from her. I needed a moment to breathe.

I closed the bathroom door and, for once, I actually cursed the fact that there was no lock on the door. I had once rejoiced over that since I had been able to join my wife in the shower whenever I wanted, without having to knock or plead for her attention.

I started the water and peeled my clothes off as the water heated. I looked at myself and hissed in surprise. The scratches on my belly from my birthday night that I had worn with twisted pride had healed to light markings, but I could still see them. It was not their presence that made me hiss in surprise. It was the love bite on the junction between my neck and shoulder, darkening with each passing minute, that left me stunned.

Bella had marked me. She had marked me as clearly and as prominently as if she had written her name upon me. I brought my hand up to touch the mark and could not remember feeling the sting of her teeth, only the pleasure of being inside of her.

_I pulled her panties off slowly and deliberately, exposing her inch by inch to my hungry eyes. Bella was exquisite._

_ "You are so beautiful," I whispered to her. I trailed my fingers over the velvety skin of her inner thigh while pushing her legs wide apart, since I wanted to see all of her. _

_ "Just for you," she whispered in response, as she twisted before me as if in agony over needing my touch._

"Edward?" I heard Tan call out, pulling me from my memory and forcing me into the shower so she wouldn't see the marking of another woman.

"Yeah?" I called out. I groaned as I stepped under the stream of hot water to avoid her.

"I'll be in the bedroom waiting for you," she called out to me with sigh, as if she were worried. She should have been worried since I was lost; I was lost and it was all her doing.

_"Tell me you can't think about anything else but this," Bella moaned. I pressed soft, quick kisses along her belly, as I made my way down her sweet body to the place where she needed me most._

_ "Tell me you can't breathe without this," she moaned again. I swirled my tongue around her belly button, teasing her, as I continued on my quest to taste her._

_ "Tell me you need this as badly as I do. Tell me that you need me as badly as I need you, Edward," she sobbed, just as I reached the nirvana I had been seeking._

I closed my eyes and rested my head against the cool tiles of the shower. The echoes of Bella's moans filled my head, bringing back the memory of the earthy sweetness of her pussy as she came on my tongue.

_"Yes," she moaned in my ear, as I pulled her legs up higher, pushing her knees and bending her in half, needing to be deep inside of her. I twisted and arched within her; yet no matter what I did, how far I pushed it, how deep I went, it wasn't enough, I needed more._

Cold was slowly seeping into the water as I continued standing there, achingly hard and frustrated with myself. I relived the final moments of Bella's body shaking with each violent thrust, her hoarse cries of pleasure that filled my ears. The sharp sting of her nails cut into my skin while I gripped her tightly beneath me, holding her still as the pressure gave way to an explosion of pleasure that rocked me to my core.

_"Please. Please. Please," Bella whispered to me softly, coming down from her own high as I held her tightly. I could hear the want in her voice and it haunted me. I wished I could comfort her, but I had no idea where to begin._

The water was running cold over me, making me shiver. I finally reached out and shut it off. I couldn't hide any more. I had to go out there and be with my wife, as I should have hours earlier.

The apartment was dark as I stepped out into the hall, clad only in a towel. I had not thought far enough in my head to grab clothes, in my haste to get away from Tanya. I slipped into our bedroom and was greeted with the nightlight that Tanya always left on for us. It made the room glow a soft blue and allowed me to see my wife as she lay curled in a ball in the middle of the bed, as she did every night.

"Come to bed, baby," she whispered as I stood there, shivering from the cold and the emotion of it all. I wanted to argue with her or at least have the decency to leave her be, but in that moment, I just needed her. I needed something since I was too lost for words, trying to come to terms with what had happened and what I had done.

Wordlessly, I dropped my damp towel and slipped into bed beside her. Tanya immediately wrapped herself around me, pressing soft kisses along my neck and chest.

"I missed you tonight," she whispered in the half-dark to me. Her words tore at my heart since I knew it was true. I never doubted her love for me and this was no different. How could I doubt a love that I could feel so deeply inside?

"I missed you," I whispered back, the words leaving a bitter taste in my mouth as I lied to her. I hadn't missed her. I hadn't thought of her for more than a fleeting second after Bella's lips met mine. In that moment as I lay beside her, yet so far away, I did miss her. I missed my wife. I missed her laughter and her warmth. I missed everything that we used to be and no longer were.

I felt her kisses linger as her hand skimmed along my chest and down my belly until she was stroking at my flaccid cock.

"Tan, please," I whispered, as I told her no. I couldn't do it. I couldn't be with her after being with Bella. Not now. Not when I was so lost and confused over what I was doing in this world.

"Edward, what's wrong?" she asked me in a worried whisper, as I shook my head while pulling her hand away from my cock with a firm grip.

"Nothing is wrong," I whispered in response, lying to her again for what seemed the hundredth time. It made me sick to lie because that wasn't who I was, but neither was the situation I had found myself in with Bella. She pulled her hand free from my grasp and placed it back on my cock with a sigh.

"I just want to love you," she whispered in a soft tone that let me hear her love and worry as she stroked me, waiting for my body to respond to her touch.

"You've been so different, so off since your birthday and I just miss you," she whispered in a raspy tone that brought tears to my eyes, since she was right. I had been different. Everything had been different. Nothing was the same and nothing had gone untouched since that night.

"Just let me love you, Edward," she whispered, as she kissed my chest, encouraging me to let her have her way.

"Just let me make things right," she whispered again, as I felt my body respond to her touch even though my mind and heart were not in it.

"I've missed you so much," she whispered as she leaned over me, pressing a soft kiss against my lips, letting me taste the familiar spicy taste that was purely Tanya. It was different and made me long for the sweetness I had tasted earlier that night. It was that longing that made the kiss grow bitter as I closed my eyes while Tanya kissed down my belly in the familiar way that I knew by heart, but there was no excitement. There was no heat and want. There was only guilt over broken vows to the woman above me and longing for another set of familiar pink lips upon my skin.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! Thanks to Tracy & Bernadette for their hard work on correcting the messes I make as I write. I will be offering up a teaser for ch 6 with each review. I also post teasers for the chapters on my FB page for this interested & I should have one posted on The Fictionators this upcoming Monday.**

**Until next weekend….**

**Take care,**

**Mamasutra**


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

I awoke to the sound of Tanya's off-key singing. She was happy, so fucking happy that it hurt. She had been on this blissful high ever since our night with Bella. It had been a high that brought on constant sex and a nonstop guilt trip that I had been riding.

I stumbled out of bed toward the dresser to grab some boxers and a t-shirt to cover up. Tanya was fine with walking around the apartment naked, but even after seven years of marriage, it still wasn't something I liked to do.

"Good morning, baby," she called out to me from the shower, as I stood there looking in the mirror at the love bite that Bella had left on my neck.

"That's a hell of a love bite I gave you," she snickered, and I felt my stomach drop over her words. She had noticed it, but thought she had done it.

"Sorry, baby, I know how much you hate that," she laughed happily before singing even louder. Her happiness was sweet, but just seeing it made me even sicker. She had no idea how I spent last night, but I had to tell her. I couldn't live with it. I couldn't breathe with the weight of guilt on my chest that was crushing me alive.

"About that…" I stammered loudly, while she continued singing as if nothing was wrong.

"I saw Bella last night," I said in a rushed tone, as she sang on as if I hadn't even spoken.

"Yeah? She said she was headed back to campus," she murmured, humming along to whatever song played on the radio in the background.

"Yeah, I saw her. That's why I was late last night," I said, struggling to breathe..

"Well, that explains why you were late," she said with a giggle, as I closed my eyes and rested my head against the door jamb.

"Did you get a chance to talk to her for yourself and see that she was fine?" she asked me with a soft laugh, her voice making me cringe. She had down-played my concern over Bella all week long, telling me that I was acting like a nervous virgin after their first one-night stand. What she didn't understand was that the night with Bella was my first attempt at a one-night stand.

"Yeah, she was fine," I murmured, as she laughed out loud.

"See, I was right, Edward. Not everyone gets all freaky about sex like you do. I told you she was fine and she was," Tanya gloated. The truth was that I wasn't so sure Bella was fine. If she had been fine, then I would have thought the night would have gone differently, instead of her worried whispers asking if I was OK, and breathless assurances that she would be OK as well.

"See, I told you all you needed to do was talk with her and you would see that…" she started to say, but I interrupted her. I needed her to know what had happened since the guilt was killing me, bit by bit, of breaking my vows to Tan.

"I did more than talk to her," I bellowed out in a loud rush. Tanya continued to sing as if I hadn't even spoken.

"I had sex with her, Tan and…and…I am so sorry," I whispered as I felt the guilt of what I had done reach its heaviest point, pinning me to the wall on which I leaned upon, while awaiting Tanya's response.

"I am glad you were with her," she called out to me in a contemplative tone, as if she were thinking about me spending time with the other woman. I stood there gawking at the woman who was my wife as she pulled back the curtain, standing before me wet, naked and stunning. She noticed me immediately looking at her, appreciating her, and gave me a sassy grin that I knew all too well. I was too stunned to react.

She hadn't heard me. She had no idea what I had said and if she did she was acting as if it were nothing, but what I did with Bella the night before was far from nothing. I had shattered what was left of my vows the moment she kissed me in my office. I had lost it the second I felt her body pressed against mine. It was too much and I could not stop the need to have her even if I had tried.

"See something you like, baby?" she asked me in a coy tone meant to make me smile, but I couldn't…I was still in shock over her lack of a response.

"See something you need?" she asked me in a low tone that made my overused dick twitch in reaction, as she stepped from the shower and approached me. She was dripping wet and her skin was rosy pink from the heat of the water she had been under.

"Tan, I don't think…" I said, and I stepped back from her. I needed her to know what I had done, how badly I had fucked up, but she was refusing to listen to me.

"Then don't, baby," she cooed, dropping to her knees before me while pulling my boxers down at the same time to greet my semi-hard cock.

"I can't get enough of you," she murmured with a giggle telling me something that I had already figured out. I braced myself against the bathroom countertop right before I felt the flickering of her tongue against the head of my cock, making my knees weak while I groaned in response.

"I can't stop thinking about how good you looked or how sweet she tasted," she whispered before licking me from base to tip, as the image of Bella doing the same made me ache in response.

"I can't stop thinking about it either," I confessed in a shameful whisper. I felt the wet heat of her mouth close around me before she hummed happily in response. The vibrations of the humming mixed with the memory of a girl that nearly brought me to my knees. I struggled to remain standing until she finally let go of my cock with a wet, slurping sound.

"I'm glad she was there for you since I know that all of this, since your birthday, has been so much for you, baby, and you have been so brave," she said in a soothing tone that one would use to calm a child. I gawked at her, unsure of what to say in response while my glistening cock waved at her, reminding her of its presence.

"I know that adding another person into this side of our life together was something that you kept telling me you never wanted to do, but you have done so well, baby," she said, before taking me back into her mouth deep and hard. It was a motion that made me gasp in shock as I was surrounded by her heat, constricted by her throat as she attempted to swallow me. My knees buckled as I grabbed the countertop in response to her suddenly deep-throating me only for her to pull back, shocking me with the cold air once more.

"Bella has been so good for you, and I am so happy that she makes you happy," she said, kneeling before me and looking up at me with a pleased grin on her lovely face. "You haven't been happy since she left us and I only want you to be happy," she said, as I closed my eyes as I shook my head. I wasn't happy. I was losing my mind and she didn't care.

"You want to be happy, right baby?" she asked, as I felt her lips against my cock once more, teasing me with her mouth. "Because _I_ am and I need _you_ to be happy about this, baby," she cooed to me, as I remained motionless before her.

"I'm not happy," I said to her as I opened my eyes, willing her to see the truth. I wasn't happy. I was losing my mind. I was breaking vows and hurting not only her, but also Bella, in this fucking mess that had been created in my honor.

"What?" she asked, as I looked down at her, still wet and obviously cold from the shower. She looked up at me with a surprised look on her face that made me feel like shit.

"I'm not happy, Tan. I'm just not," I said. I struggled to make my legs move in order to walk away from her. Tanya clung to me for the space of a heartbeat before letting me go. I stumbled back to our room while pulling up my boxers before grabbing my gym bag. I stuffed some clean work clothes in there before turning back to my wife, who was still naked and kneeling, with tears in her eyes.

"I'm going to the gym. I'll see you later," I said. I looked away from her because I couldn't stand to see her cry, but it didn't matter. I could hear her sobbing as I walked out of our apartment as I slammed the door behind me.

I had never left Tanya like that before. I had never walked out on her, and not even during our most heated fights had I ever left her sobbing. I had always been the one who insisted that we talk things out, while saying that there was nothing that our love could not overcome; but this was too much, and she wasn't even listening to me now. She wasn't listening and I couldn't reason with her when she refused to hear that I was not happy.

I parked the car in the lot closest to my building and then marveled at the students walking around with coffee mugs as they went about their normal day. I missed the blissfulness of normalcy. I missed knowing that t was just Tanya that I knew intimately. I missed our silly fights and cuddling at night. I missed peaceful sleep and dreams that did not leave me achingly hard and irritated. I missed our normal sex life without whispers of how I had fucked another woman and how incredibly sexy it was that I had. I missed being normal and that hurt since I couldn't find it in myself to regret being with Bella.

I ran the three-mile track at a leisurely pace. I let the stress drain away as I tried to come up with some solution over what to do about my marriage and my life that I was completely fucking up on. With each step I took, I was no closer to finding the answers I had been seeking than when I had started. As I entered the final wooded area of the track, I saw her. She was off the track and bent over, tying her shoe. If it had been any other girl, I wouldn't have noticed, but it was Bella and because I was so attuned to her, I just knew. I slowed my pace as I approached her, while not knowing if I would actually speak to her or not. Before I could make up my mind over what to do, she saw me and I had no choice but to stop.

"Hey, Bella," I said in a breathless tone, as she gave me a shy grin. It was that shy grin that killed me since I knew there was nothing shy about this girl.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, as I stood there blocking the track, until she grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the way of two guys who were running behind me.

"I…uh…I run when I have a lot on my mind," I said, trying to take a deep breath while watching as she frowned in response.

"I'm sorry," she said in a worried tone, that made me want to comfort her.

"It's not you. It's me," I said, making her laugh as I gave her the oldest line in the history of relationship break-ups.

"Are you breaking up with me, Cullen?" she teased, making me laugh as we looked at each other with stunned expressions over the obvious meaning of her words.

"I didn't mean…" she stammered as I waved her off.

"I know, it's not like that with you," I said, interrupting her as I watched her face flame red over her own teasing.

"Good," she whispered in response, looking toward another trail before turning back to me.

"You want to go for a walk?" she asked as I stood there, watching as other runners passed us by.

"I don't think it's a good idea, Bella," I said, running my hand through my sweaty hair while Bella looked down in embarrassment.

"I didn't mean it like that. I was just thinking that maybe we could talk, you know," she rambled with a red face and wide eyes of embarrassment, making me feel like a dick.

"I know you didn't," I said, placing a hand on Bella's arm in some lame attempt to comfort her, but my touch wasn't helping. It became a reminder of other touches and other nights that we had been close, so close that there was nothing between us.

"And I would love to talk," I said, standing there, letting another group of girls run by us, yet not letting go of her arm. Bella nodded in agreement as she turned toward the other trail before motioning me to follow her.

"Are you OK?" she asked me, as soon as we were out of earshot from the other runners that were on the trail with us. I had been asked that question by Jasper, but he had mocked me while asking it. I had also been asked that question by Tanya multiple times since the night of my birthday, but I never felt like she had ever truly listened to my response. I looked over at Bella and could see the concern in her eyes as she glanced at me anxiously, before looking back ahead of her, as we walked together.

"No," I said with a hollow laugh that made her wince.

"I'm sorry, Edward. I should never have agreed and I don't know what I was thinking. I mean, I knew it wasn't like you and that there was no way it was your idea to do that," she rambled on guiltily, in a way that made me want to laugh at her.

"Bella, this isn't your fault," I said simply, stopping just inside the dark shadows the trees cast upon us, as we reached the heavily-wooded part of the secondary trail that skirted the campus.

"I could have said no. I could have walked away, I could have done a lot of things," I said with a shrug, as she watched me worriedly. "But I didn't. Instead, I did what I wanted and now I have to deal with it. I'm just sorry that you are in this mess with me," I said with a half-laugh. She looked at me uncertainly before shaking her head 'no'.

"There is no one else I would want to be with but you," she said so sincerely, that it made my heart leap in my chest as I looked at her. She was too sweet and too good for all of this.

"Bella, you don't mean that," I said, as I silently urged her to take the out I was giving her.

"No, I do mean it. I know you, Edward," she said, looking at me pleadingly and melting my heart as I watched her. She looked so young with her dark hair pulled back into a ponytail and her cheeks pink from nerves.

"You _don't_ know me," I said in a sorrowful tone, that made her shake her head at me. "No, it's true. You don't know me and you deserve so much more than some guy who's married," I said, watching her eyes tear up over my words.

"You are an amazing girl, Bella and I…I have had the most embarrassing crush on you. I'm sorry that Tanya dragged you into this mess. I'm so sorry that I have misled you, wasted your time and love, but we…we can't do this," I said. I watched her wipe the tears that were starting to fall as she looked away from me.

"I think I know what I deserve in my life better than you do, Edward, but if that's how you feel, so be it," she said, in an angry rush of words. She turned to look at me with fire in her eyes. She wiped her tears while trying to keep them from failing, but I could see them all the same. They were a taunting reminder that she was not the only woman I had made cry this morning because of the epic fuckery that was my birthday gift. I turned on numb legs, leaving her standing alone in the shadow of the trees. I was going to attempt to focus on fixing the damage that had been done over that one night, but knowing deep down that there was no way to repair what had occurred.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! Thanks to Tracy & Bernadette for fixing my mistakes! Thanks to Rene for listening to me babbling on about this. Love you all!**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight

I could not go home and deal with Tanya so instead; I opted to hide in my office. It had become my new pastime and the one sanctuary that I could still cling to.

I opened the door and was greeted with an angry Jasper, on his knees picking up the papers that were scattered on the floor from last night with Bella. It immediately brought me back to that moment; I could still smell her in the air, mocking me with the fact that this was no longer a safe place either.

"Hey, asshole, the next time you and the wifey want to play house here, at least have the decency to pick up after yourselves," he growled at me. I watched him toss a stack of papers all over my desk before turning to greet me with a furious look.

"I'm sorry," I said, as I stood there watching him clean up my mess.

"You should be," he grunted, as I slipped past him to my desk to collapse there.

"Oh, and here," he said, as I felt something bounce off my chest. I looked down to find Bella's lace panties in my lap.

"I would never have guessed Tanya would wear white, let alone lace, but you left those here last night," he said, as I stared down at the scrap of lace that Bella had worn. I remembered how she arched beneath my touch as I pulled them slowly down her legs to gain access to her.

"Thanks," I managed to say, as I clutched the panties in an effort to hide them from Jasper's eyes. He didn't need to see what Bella wore or fantasize over how they looked on her. He didn't need to think of her at all.

"Did you hear me?" he asked me, pulling me back into his angry conversation with his sharp tone.

"I'm sorry," I murmured, shaking my head 'no'.

"I said, do not forget about the dinner tomorrow night or Carlisle will have your ass." I nodded my head in agreement, since it was true. He may be my father, but he was a strict Department Head. He had no patience for people who wasted his time, and I always seemed to be on his shit list.

"And, Edward?" Jasper asked, moving toward the door. I looked up at him after he called out my name.

"Pull your shit together since it's getting old," he groused, before slamming the door shut and leaving me alone once more.

The morning passed quietly with the exception of the constant buzzing of my cell phone. It was message after message from Tanya.

_Talk to me._

_ Tell me what I did wrong._

_ All I want is for you to be happy._

_ I love you._

_ I have loved you since the moment I saw you in that campus book store._

_ I want to make this better. Please let me._

_ Don't shut me out._

She had no idea that there was no way to make this better. How could she when even I didn't have a clue over what to do or how to do it? How was I supposed to ever look at Bella again, now that I knew what she tasted like and how she felt beneath me? How could I ever look my wife in the eye, knowing everything we did that night was wrong?

There was a sharp knock on my office door which made me jump in surprise. I cringed over the idea of it being Tanya coming to find me. She was the last person I wanted to see at the moment and that was horrible because I'd never felt that way before. I stood up slowly and crossed the small path that separated my desk from the door and opened it, only to find my father standing there with his typical look of disdain on his face.

"Edward," he greeted me stiffly, as I felt him looking me over before meeting my gaze with his disappointed one.

"Have you forgotten about our lunch?" he asked coldly. I mumbled a quick 'no' even though I had forgotten, being so wrapped up in the mess that had become my life.

"Well, come on," he said, motioning for me to follow him even though I was still dressed in my shorts and t-shirt and hadn't shaved or showered. We walked across the campus to the coffee shop, while students stared at us as we passed them.

I waited as my father ordered our sandwiches and coffee, as if I were still a child. It was a habit that annoyed me, but that was my father; overbearing and bossy.

"You look homeless," he said, a twinge of disgust in his voice as he met me back at the table I had saved for us.

"I left the apartment early this morning and I haven't showered yet," I offered as an explanation, not that it mattered to him.

"I will remind you only once that as a professor here, you have to present yourself in a respectable manner, Edward," he said stiffly, as I bristled under his words. I knew he was disappointed with me, it just hurt to be reminded so often.

"Yes, I know," I said, as I took a sip of my coffee in order to silence any words I was about to spew at him.

Good, now tell me what the hell is going on," he said as he looked at me worriedly. I was surprised since Carlisle Cullen was never worried about anything beyond the image of our department.

"What do you mean?" I asked, choking on my coffee.

"I mean, you have been walking around like a zombie ever since your birthday." He looked around to make sure no one was watching us.

"Are you on drugs?" he hissed at me. I laughed loudly over his accusation, even though my breakdown would appear that way to an outsider.

"No, I'm not on drugs," I said, laughing slightly as he rolled his eyes at me.

"Then what the hell is it?" he asked, before launching into how my mother was worried. He always used the excuse of my mother being worried when I knew it was him. He was worried, but he was too scared to admit that.

"I'm just…Tan and I are having some problems," I confessed. It was partially true, we were having problems and they all stemmed from the brunette she had brought home for me to fuck.

"Oh," he said with a surprised sigh, looking at me for a moment before shaking his head at me in what had to be a mixture of disgust and worry.

"You know I am not a fan of Tanya," he said, making me to laugh since that was him downplaying his feelings toward her. He had hated her from the moment we'd met. He had tried to get her arrested for having sex with me. I was only seventeen at the time and she was twenty-two. It was a mess that mom talked him out of only for him to hate her even more when I married her at the age of twenty.

"What did she do?" he asked. I looked away from him since the man had a way of knowing me like no other; there was no way I was going to admit what happened.

"Did she cheat on you?" he asked me abruptly, causing me to look at him with surprise.

"No," I said, shaking my head, while he rambled on about every man in the department that my wife had been seen with.

"Dad, that's not it," I said. I tried to stop him, but he kept ignoring me, rambling on about Tanya's low morals since her chasing after a seventeen-year-old boy.

"She just wanted to…try things that I am not very comfortable with," I admitted, leaving out the part that we had already gone through with it. My words and tone silenced him, and he stared at me for a long moment.

"Edward, I have always thought that Tanya was selfish," he said slowly. I gave him a warning look. I had heard this speech countless times over the years and was not in the mood to listen.

"She dragged you all over the country getting her education where she wanted, while you struggled and worked to support her. She has her Doctorate and has been published countless times. She did as she wanted while you paid the price," he hissed at me.

"I was happy to support her. She's my wife," I said in a low hiss, just as a group of students sitting nearby turned to look at us.

"I know and I am proud that your mother raised a son who is such an equal partner in his marriage; however, when will it ever be _your_ turn?" he asked in a firm tone. My stomach twisted in knots, which had been an ongoing argument between Tanya and me for the last two years.

"You have your Master's, but what about _your_ Doctorate?" he asked, the same exact question I had asked her.

"When is it _her_ turn to support _you_?" he continued his rant as I tried not to listen, since it was only adding fuel to the fire of anger building up in me toward Tanya.

"I'll stop," he finally said, even though his anger continued to build. "But one last thing...about your problems? The 'trying things that you are not comfortable with'?" he asked. I looked at him and waited to hear how this was Tanya's fault as well.

"If you do whatever she wants, disregarding how it makes you feel or goes against your true essence, then one day, you will wake up and resent her for it," he said in a firm tone, while I stared at him in disbelief.

"And this is your professional opinion?" I asked, mocking him, but he took it all with a smile that only added to my anger.

"Not my professional one, but my opinion as a man who has over twenty years of experience on you," he said with a laugh, as I rolled my eyes at him.

"Do as you want Edward, you always do, but don't come crying to your mother and I when it all falls apart," he said. I stood up and left him, taking my coffee with me. I had barely made it across the quad when I saw Tanya.

She was standing outside her building, watching me with a sorrowful look upon her face. It broke my heart and I couldn't stop myself from going to her.

"Hey," she whispered, looking at me with tear-filled blue eyes.

"I'm sorry about this morning," she said, as I took her hand in mine. Her hand was cold like it always was and, while I used to find it comforting, I couldn't now. There was nothing comforting about this moment and she knew that as well.

"You want to go up to my office and talk?" she asked as I stood there. Her office was the last place I wanted to be, but she was my wife, and I couldn't say no. I needed to work this out if our marriage was going to prosper, and she needed to know what had happened and how I had failed her, even if I lost her.

"Bella is teaching a class, so we'll be alone," she whispered, as we walked inside the building. While I didn't want to see Bella after our morning in the woods, I still felt oddly deflated over the fact that she wouldn't be there.

Tanya's office was larger than mine and she didn't have to share. She was given free reign with her classes, but that all came with her education, the one I was lacking. She closed the door before turning to throw herself into my arms with a sob. There were no words, only tears, as she held me and cried into my neck. I fought off my own tears as well.

"Please," she cried. I held her tighter, as some emotion inside me threatened to tear me in two.

"Please don't be mad any more, baby," she whispered in a broken sob against my skin. I closed my eyes, feeling her pain mixed in with mine.

"I only ever want to make you happy," she whispered to me. I cringed, since I had no idea how I would ever be happy again.

"Tanya, I have to tell you something," I said, swallowing back the bile that threatened to come up my throat.

"Anything," she whispered without looking at me, as she pressed her face into my neck.

"I…I had sex with Bella," I whispered to her, as my stomach lurched with nerves, and she stilled in my arms.

"It was last night. It was late and she was there. I don't know what happened or why… I don't know anything anymore," I whispered, confessing my confusion to her while she remained silent.

"I am so sorry," I whispered, closing my eyes while feeling as if my heart was being ripped out.

"I never meant to hurt you. I swear to God, Tan, I'll never do it again," I rambled on, trying to soothe her, but I knew that there would be no comforting her over what I had done.

"Did it make you happy?" she asked me in a quiet voice that cut me deep with the hollow sound that echoed in her tone.

"Tan…I'm so fucking sorry...I never ever…" I stammered, while stepping back from her, struggling to find the right words to say - but what words were there to say? What explanation could I give her? There wasn't any, and I knew it.

"Did it make you happy to be with her?" she asked me while I gawked at her, too stunned to speak except for the gibberish that escaped my lips.

"I know you like her, Edward. I'm not stupid; I see how you look at her and I'm OK with it. I want you to be happy, and if being with her makes you happy, and then it's OK," she said in a sad tone that tore at my heart. I watched the tears well up in her eyes as I leaned against her desk, fighting the urge to vomit all over her office floor from my nerves.

"Was it good?" she asked in that same empty tone that turned my stomach, as she finally looked up at me so I could see her eyes. They were haunted and it hurt to look at them since I knew that I was the one who had created that hurt within her.

"I asked you a question," she said in a sad whisper. I closed my eyes and shook my head at her. I couldn't tell her. I could never tell her that since I knew it would be too much for her to bear.

"Tanya, please?" I whispered to her, my eyes pleading with her. She looked at me with such a vacant stare that it created a hole in my heart. I watched as she wiped at her tears.

"I promise you that it will never happen again. I promise that there will be no one but you ever again, it was nothing, Tan, nothing," I cried to her. She wiped at her tears before taking my hands in hers.

"It's OK, baby," she whispered, peppering kisses on my cheeks that were wet from tears that I didn't remember crying.

"It's OK," she whispered to me soothingly. I held her hands to my cheeks as I struggled to breathe.

"I understand, Edward. I do," she whispered, continuing to cry over what I had done.

"You like her and I've always known you've liked her," she cried in between kisses, as I tried to kiss her back.

"I love you, baby," I whispered to her, as she shook her head, making me feel sick by denying my love.

"I love only you," I pleaded. She suddenly wrapped her arms around me, pulling me in tight for a kiss that robbed me of air and reason.

"I love you," I kept whispering to her as she pushed at me in between her sweet kisses that were slowly becoming rough with each passing second, until I was pushed down upon the small loveseat in her office.

"I am so sorry baby," I murmured against her skin as she crawled up on my lap, kissing me wildly while whispering that she loved me, that it would be all right, that she understood; but that wasn't enough. It would never be enough.

"I love you," she whispered in a panicked tone, as she ground herself against me, making me hard with each pass of her hips as she straddled me on the couch.

"I love you so much," she whispered to me, as I practically cried my response to her. She tugged on my shorts, pulling them down while I struggled to kiss her over and over again; trying to show her that it would be only her if that would make her happy once more.

"Make love to me," she whispered to me, as she kissed me hard and sweet, too sweet to be Tanya.

"Make love to me, Edward," she moaned, reaching under her skirt to pull her panties down. She got off my lap to take them off completely before crawling back on me.

"Tanya," I whispered. This wasn't what I wanted; I didn't want to make love to her after confessing my affair. I knew that sex didn't fix anything, especially not a problem that started _with_ sex.

"Please, baby?" she pleaded, rubbing against me, wet and ready in between kisses along my neck.

"Please love me?" she asked desperately, making my heart bleed over what I had done.

"Please love me," she repeated sorrowfully, as she circled her hips against me, causing me to gasp in surprise from the pleasure it gave me.

"I do love you, Tan…just not like this, baby," I half-whispered, half-moaned, while she kissed me softly, slowly and so tenderly that it brought fresh tears to my eyes.

"No, just like this, Edward. Just like this, baby," she whispered, looking deep into my eyes as if she was willing me to move with her.

"I love you, and this…we…we'll be OK, baby," she said in a whisper against my lips, as she shifted to take me inside of her, willing me to accept her forgiveness that she offered to me with love.

"Love you so much," she gasped lowly as she sunk down, impaling herself on me. I gritted my teeth against the sensation. She sat still for a moment while whispering her love and forgiveness in my ear. It left me feeling better, but it wasn't enough. I wasn't sure if it would ever be enough or that if I would be enough for her after all of this.

Tanya rode me slowly, lovingly, while whispering her love for me. I gasped over the sensation of her around me, loving me so completely in that moment. It had been ages since we had made love; our time together was always hard, fast, and amazing. Emotional was never something that we did, and this was emotional. I could feel everything that she was giving me, leaving me breathless and stunned. She pushed me closer to my release as she clung to me and sought out hers. She came with a shuddering '_I love you' _in my ear that I answered with my own whispered grunt in response. We were still lost in the moment and in each other, as I noticed that the office door which had been shut was now wide open. My eyes locked with startled-looking amber eyes before I registered the blur of movement that was the retreating form of Bella, running from the office without a word or look back in our direction.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! Thanks to Tracy & Bernadette for their hard work on fixing all my mistakes… love you girls : )**

**Guess what? This little fic made it to the poll for The Lemonade Stand for Fic of the Week. It is because of this that I am posting this chapter sooooo early : ) So, thank Kennedy Nicole Cullen for her kindness here. Also, if you are so inclined stop by their site and toss one of your five votes in my direction. I know I will try to convince them to give all 5 of my votes to The Give Away Girl. Are you reading that one? It's great!**

**Here's the link… **

** www . tehlemonadestand . net**

**Take care,**

**Mamasutra**


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

I pulled Tanya off of me and dropped her on the love seat beside me, as she sputtered in surprise over my abrupt departure.

"I can't…" I mumbled as I looked at the open doorway, half expecting to see Bella, but knowing she was gone.

"Where are you going?" she called out, as I pulled up my shorts, not sure of where I was going, just that I needed to get out of there. I needed to find Bella and tell her…tell her something, since it seemed wrong for her to find me like that, yet it wasn't wrong. Tanya was my wife, and I was the one who was begging for forgiveness because of what I had done with Bella, and yet here I was, chasing after the shadow of a girl whom I hadn't made any promises to while running out on the girl with whom I did.

"Edward?" Tanya called out, as I stumbled toward the door and away from her.

"Edward?" she called out again. I looked back at my wife who was staring at me as if I had lost mind; it felt like I had. I had lost my mind. I had lost my mind the moment she brought Bella into our bed, the moment I saw her pale skin against our sheets. I had lost my mind the moment I had tasted her lips and I wasn't sure if I wanted it back.

"Tan, I just need a moment," I said, as she looked at me with a shocked expression that would have been comical if the whole moment surrounding us hadn't been so tragic. She remained silent for a long moment as I watched her pull her skirt up, covering herself as if she were embarrassed, before nodding her head in a dazed manner. I ran out of the office trying to swallow back the bile that kept threatening to erupt from my stomach.

I ran down the steps, skipping a few at a time, until I was outside in the warm, late September air. I took a deep breath, but still felt as if there were an iron band around my lungs. I couldn't think beyond the image of Bella in the doorway, watching me with Tanya. I couldn't get the thought or shame out of my head, even when I realized that there was no reason for embarrassment. Tanya was my wife and Bella was aware of that. She knew that we were sexual - she had seen us and been with us - but somehow, her finding us like that left me sick inside.

I stumbled out of the building, running into a few students in the process who stared at me with wide, scared eyes as if they were frightened of me; they should have been since I was more of a monster than a man. I took a few steps out onto the quad while scanning the crowd until I found her. She was under the same tree I had seen her before. She had a textbook out in front of her, as if she was reading, but I could tell she wasn't. I could see it in the way her eyes seemed focused on something else, and in the tension of her shoulders, as she sat there trying too hard to blend into the crowd of people around us. I approached her slowly as my mind raced with what I needed to say, yet there was nothing _to_ say.

"Bella…" I called out softly, causing her to look up at me and meet my gaze. Her eyes, which were typically vibrant, held a flat expression, as she looked at me as if she didn't know who I was.

"I…Uhm…" I stuttered, realizing that I had nothing to say. I had nothing to say to her, but I felt the aching need to explain away what she saw.

"I'm sorry I didn't knock," she said quietly, before looking away from me, as if I came to seek out an apology from her. "I will next time, I promise," she said simply, before turning back to her textbook and dismissing me like the asshole I appeared to be in this situation.

"That's not why I'm here," I sputtered, as she refused to look at me, and it was that refusal that was pissing me off. I needed her to look at me, to see that I wasn't that guy. I had never been that guy who used people for their own pleasure.

"I'm not that guy, Bella," I said. She looked at me, confused, as I tried to explain myself.

"I'm not the guy who uses women at will. That was never me and…and it's still not. I would never…." I started to say, but then stopped, as I realized that is exactly who I'd become in this mess.

"Right," she said in a whisper that made my heart hurt, as she looked away from me once more.

"Listen, Edward…Mr. Cullen," she said firmly in a low tone, putting distance between us by using my formal name. "I don't need your explanation. It's OK. She's your wife and I'm the person who didn't knock, so it's fine." She looked back at me for a second before frowning, while I stared at her in shock as she attempted to dismiss me without allowing me to apologize.

"Why don't you go back to her like you said you would this morning and leave me be," she said firmly, as I watched her pack up her books to leave.

"I don't know if I can," I muttered, as the truth of the situation finally spilled out between us. I wasn't sure if I could go back to how things were, since nothing was the same. I wasn't the same and I knew I never would be.

"Find the strength to," she whispered to me. I watched her grab her bag and walk away from me as if nothing had ever happened between us. It was only after she left that I noticed the crowd that had been watching us. I looked around at their faces and saw their curiosity over our odd exchange, but I wasn't worried about them. It was the shocked face of my wife, lingering in the shadows by the building that made my heart pound in my chest. I turned back toward her only to have her rush back inside the building, as if she were running away from me as well.

"Fuck," I muttered, standing in the middle of the quad and unsure of what to do next. It seemed as if everything I did was wrong. Slowly, I turned and trudged back to my office to get away from the prying eyes of the gossipy students.

When I reached my office, I was thankful to find it empty. I needed the time alone to process what had happened and figure out what the hell I was doing, since I truly had no clue anymore. I flopped down in my office chair with a tired groan, taking in the silence around me. I glanced over at my desk to find Bella's lace panties where I had tossed them when I left with my father. I could feel the slow burn of embarrassment as I wondered if he had noticed them. He probably hadn't since he rarely noticed anything that I did.

My mind raced thinking of all that happened and everything that I'd done. Everything was so out of character for me, yet I couldn't seem to stop. It was those thoughts that kept me company as I hid from Tanya, not that she was contacting me. She was being silent and I deserved that silence. I had cheated on her and then left her after she forgave me, to chase after the girl who I had been with. It was fucked up at its best. I was far from understanding my own motives, so there was no way that she would understand.

It was at the end of the day when I was watching Bella reading her book, sitting beneath the tree that I now referred to as hers, oblivious to my consuming stare that my phone chimed. After hours of silence, Tanya was reaching out to me in the form of a text message that I cringed over while reading.

_Please come home. We need to talk._

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! Surprise! Early update! Since I will be crazy busy for the rest of the week I thought I would just update now. I would like to thank Tracy & Bernadette for all their hard work on this chapter. I would also like to thank Kennedy Nicole Cullen for the nom on The Lemonade Stand… polls are still open. Might I suggest a vote for True Nature or The Give Away Girl? Both fics are amazing!**

**Until next week….**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

I drove home taking the longest route possible, since talking to Tanya was the last thing I wanted to do. I found that depressing because talking with Tanya was part of how I fell in love with her.

Once I reached the apartment, I parked and went in slowly, knowing that I was a dead man walking. I had failed her. I let her down and then, when I could have fixed things, I chased after the wrong girl instead. I should have stayed and held Tanya. I should have promised 'never again', but I didn't. I could have stayed and listened to her whispered promises that it would be ok, even though we both we knew it wouldn't.

I reached the door, finding it open, since I knew Tanya never locked the door no matter how many times I told her to. She never listened, so why would she start now?

"You home, baby?" she called out to me in a sad voice. I closed my eyes and braced myself for whatever she was going to throw my way.

"Yeah, it's me," I called out, tossing my keys on the table by the door as if it was a normal day, but it was anything but normal. I had been called home most likely to end my marriage and could either take it like a man or hide from the truth for a few more minutes.

"Hey, babe," I called out, the cowardice in me winning out. "I'm going to jump in the shower," I called out, making my way down the hallway toward the bathroom without waiting for her response. She could wait for a few more minutes as I struggled for composure.

I stepped into the bathroom wishing I could lock the door behind me. I just needed to make sure that I would have a few minutes to pull myself together before looking into her eyes while she ended our marriage.

The water burned hot over my skin as I stepped under the spray, washing away the day. I tried not to think about it for the little time I was given as a reprieve, until I had no choice but to come out and face the consequences of my actions.

I stepped out into the hallway clad only in a towel, and was immediately greeted by Tanya, standing there with a sorrowful look.

I looked at her while running a nervous hand through my wet hair. She looked calm, but I could see the slight tremor in her hands as she brought her wine glass up to her lips, taking a sip.

"I'm going to get dressed," I mumbled, leaving her standing there and watching me retreat.

Dinner that night was quiet; I waited for her to speak, but she never did. She spoke of mundane, meaningless things, not the elephant in the room. She glossed over her day, never mentioning Bella. I was dying to ask if she had spoken to her since I couldn't bear the idea of her taking this out on Bella. Yes, Bella had a part in this betrayal, but she didn't have the obligation to Tanya that I had. I preferred to take my punishment alone while sparing her, if that was possible.

The night passed with Tanya remaining quiet. I waited for whatever punishment she would serve, but it never came. Instead, that night in bed, she just wrapped herself around me and held onto me as if I were the one letting go.

The next morning I awoke to find her gone. She left me a note saying that she was researching something and we would talk later. It was a small reprieve, but one I gladly accepted. I would happily let her take her time to process the mess I'd created. I hoped that not only would she eventually find it in herself to forgive me once more, but also for the strength to stay away from the girl I clearly could not resist.

I showered and hustled back to the campus since it was staff meeting day, which meant there would be no time for anything since the great Dr. Carlisle Cullen enjoyed listening to himself talk. I just barely made it to the large room where the meeting was held when Jasper appeared out of nowhere with a coffee in each hand.

He handed me one and said, "I thought you would need this," as he looked at me oddly. He knew something. I could see it.

"I heard about you the other day," he said in a low tone, looking at me with a sideways glance.

"What does that mean?" I asked. I took a sip of the coffee he brought me while waiting for his explanation.

"People were talking about you and Tanya…and Bella," he whispered with a soft teasing grin, as I closed my eyes and shook my head. The last thing I needed was for rumors to start over the fucked-up mess that my life had become.

"It's all bullshit," I countered back, making him chuckle at me.

"You fucked her again, didn't you?" he asked, not waiting for my answer, since he knew the truth. "It's not bullshit, but what _is_ bullshit is the rumor that Tanya is looking for others to join in the fun," he said, causing me to choke on my coffee just as my father called the meeting to order. I looked across the room for Tanya. She should have been at the table with the other Psychology professors, but her spot was empty, as was Bella's.

My father began speaking when the door opened abruptly and in charged Bella, coffee in one hand and her iPhone in the other. She was wearing a dark pink sundress that hid her curves. Her hair was down and still damp from a shower. She looked flustered and completely adorable, standing there for a moment before turning to join the other Psych professors.

"Ms. Swan, how nice of you to join us," my father called out in his normally cold demeanor; whenever he turned it on for Tanya, she crumpled in tears over it. Her reaction only made him do it more often, since I think he truly enjoyed making others suffer.

"Well, Dr. Cullen, I hadn't planned on being here, except for Dr. Denali contacting me last minute to sit in for her, since she was busy with research," Bella fired back angrily, making the room buzz in response. No one from the university ever got sassy with my father. No one, yet here she was, a lowly grad student, taking a verbal swipe back at him. It was stunning and too amusing not to laugh at, but I didn't since all I focused on was that Tanya had contacted her.

"Well, you need to remind Dr. Denali that when I call a meeting, _she_ needs to be here, not her substitute," my father hissed back at her. Jasper snickered as Bella turned her back and took her seat.

"Substitute," he giggled, as I rolled my eyes at him. I knew what he was thinking; fuck him! Bella was nothing like Tanya and could _never_ be considered her substitute.

The meeting dragged on. I would look over at Bella and find her watching me, only to look away when our eyes met. It made me wonder what had happened and if she were OK. Had she heard the rumors? What was her reaction? I wanted to know, but I knew approaching her would be a bad idea so I stayed away. I waited for her leave the room before attempting to leave as well. I avoided the quad where I knew she would be. I put as much space between us as I could and, even then, it wasn't enough. I would find myself seeking her out of the crowd on the quad, as I watched from my window. I would look for her dark hair or the sway of her hips when I knew she would be in the crowd around me. I would try to hear her voice when I passed by her classroom at the end of my day. It was ridiculous, but I couldn't seem to stop. Even as I left the parking lot, where I knew her piece of crap car was parked, I looked for it and took comfort in knowing that she was somewhere on campus.

I drove in silence back to the apartment, unsure of what I would find there since Tanya had been so silent that day. It wasn't like her to not text or call me, and that made me more nervous than ever. There was no doubt in my mind that her silence was tied to my infidelity. She could claim she was fine with me having sex with Bella, but I saw the hurt in her eyes as I confessed to my night in Bella's arms while she waited for me at home. I knew Tanya better than anyone and I knew that it hurt her no matter how much she downplayed.

I parked the car and made the slow march toward the apartment. My nervousness heightened when I noticed Tanya's car was already there, inside and waiting for me. I opened the door and sat my stuff down with a tired sigh, before noticing what was going on around me.

The room was dark, the curtains drawn tight against the setting sun. The only light was the flickering of votive candles that were placed all over the room, giving off a romantic glow. A bottle of champagne was chilling in a bucket of ice on our underused coffee table. It was the setting of a celebration; in my mind, there was nothing to celebrate.

"Edward?" Tanya called out excitedly from the kitchen. I stood there stupidly looking around; it was as if I had stumbled into another world or apartment, since this setting seemed so drastically wrong for a discussion on my cheating. Tanya stepped out of the kitchen wearing a tight, black cocktail dress, her hair and makeup done elaborately. She looked sexy and stunning, greeting me with a wide grin of happiness that left me feeling off, as she practically skipped to meet me with a warm, wet kiss.

"Baby?" I questioned, looking at her, not bothering to hide my guilt.

"It's OK, Edward," she said soothingly, as she met my worried look with her own confident one. She looked so sure of herself and, while that was completely Tanya, it also was a departure from the nervous woman who made love to me in her office the other day.

"I am so sorry," I murmured, feeling the ache of disappointment settle in my chest as I looked at her. I hated that I had failed as a husband. I had always prided myself on being a good man, but a good man didn't cheat the way I had.

"Baby, it's OK," she murmured, and kissed me, leaving a soft red lipstick mark on my lips and cheek. She knew I hated that, but I didn't stop her, it was the least I could do after what I had done to her.

"I'm sorry," I repeated again, feeling the slow ebb of relief ease the nervousness in my body.

"Don't be. It's OK," she said, kissing me again before stepping away from me with a grin that warmed and eased my aching heart. She took hold of my hand and pulled me over to the couch, smiling softly as I smiled in return.

Everything was going to be OK. Her smile and soft kisses told me so. It was all I needed to ease the guilt I had, but it didn't touch the ache in my chest as I thought about Bella. It was wrong to worry about her, but I was. I couldn't stop no matter how much I wanted to, or how little obligation I had to her.

"What is this?" I asked, motioning toward the champagne. Tanya laughed at me as if I was being funny, yet I could see nothing funny about it.

"We are celebrating our new start," she said with a grin. I forced a smile back at her in return. She took the bottle and struggled with it until the loud 'pop' announced that it was open, making her shriek in response.

"Our new start?" I questioned softly, feeling the guilt of everything wash over me again.

"Yes, I have it all figured out, Edward, and this...this will be wonderful," she said, with a bright smile that made me nervous.

"What is that?" I asked her, looking deeply into her blue eyes, unsure of what she meant.

"I have us figured out, baby," she said with a sassy grin as I looked at her, still confused by what she meant.

"I hate that you feel bad about being with Bella," she said. I opened my mouth to protest her comment. I needed her to know that I felt horrible and, more than that, it would never happen again if I had any control. The truth was that my control was very limited when it came to Bella.

"No, just listen," she said, placing a long finger against my lips and silencing me once more.

"I hate that you feel bad, baby. I never wanted you to feel badly about wanting someone else or her," she said, as I stared at her in shock. "Especially when it's only natural," she finished, with a soft grin that surprised me.

"Tanya, it's not natural. It's far from natural for me to be attracted to another woman when I am a happily married man," I said firmly, while she smiled at me in an almost patronizing manner.

"I am happy too, baby, but you're wrong. It's natural and even more so, it's ok," she said as I shook my head at her.

"Edward, just because you have a ring on your finger, it doesn't mean that you became asexual. I know you are attracted to her, as well as to other women and that's OK, since I'm attracted to others too," she said. I gawked at her in shock, causing her to laugh at me teasingly.

"I know you've liked her for months and that's why I was ok with her being the one," she said, as I shook my head.

"Just admit you like her," she goaded me, as I continued to shake my head 'no' even if she was ignoring me.

"Edward Cullen, you fucked her harder and with more passion than I've seen from you in years. _Years,_ Edward," she repeated. I closed my eyes to avoid her honest, blue gaze. I refused to acknowledge her since it would be an admission of guilt.

"You can lie to yourself, but you can't lie to me," she teased, as I refused to speak to her.

"And I need you to know that I'm OK with it," she said with firm resolve, as I finally turned to look at her. She looked determined as she met my eyes.

"I am. I'm OK with it, Edward, so stop with the guilt," she said, holding my gaze with her steady, confident one.

"I mean, I wish you wouldn't have been with her the other night. That hurt and I won't lie about that, but I understand why you did it," she said in a confident tone. I rolled my eyes in response since there was no way she understood why, when I had no idea why I succumbed to Bella's touch.

"You did it because you wanted to, you needed to, and I have come to terms with that," she said firmly. I choked on the sip of champagne I had taken to clear out the bitter taste in my mouth.

"In a way, this is my entire fault," she said, looking at me apologetically.

Inwardly, I cringed and said in a rush, "This isn't your fault."

She shook her head at me and said, "Yes, it is. It _is_ my fault. I should have known this would happen. I mean, you were so young when I found you. I should have waited, should have demanded that you experience others. I could have stopped all of this guilt and foolishness," she said, looking at me with sad eyes. I sputtered that it was my entire fault, not hers.

"That is utter bullshit and you know it," I said as I rolled my eyes at her ridiculous ideas. I was young when I met her, but I had never wanted another person, let alone acted upon it until now.

"But that's OK, baby, since I have the solution," she said, looking at me nervously.

"I want you to have everything you've ever wanted," she cooed at me, as I looked into her bright eyes. "I want you to have _her_ and anyone else you want," she said. I looked at her, more confused than ever over her words.

"I want us to try something, Edward," she said, taking hold of my hand in hers. She had an excited look on her face, one that made me sick because I had seen this look on her face before. It was a look of excitement and trouble all mixed together into one happy smile that graced her lovely features. It was the same look she had when she presented me with Bella in my bed, complete with a bow tied around her.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! I know I said no updates this weekend, but what I can say other than thank you…. Thanks to everyone who came out and voted for me and this fic on The Lemonade Stand Poll for Fic of the Week. It is an honor to even be nominated, let alone win. So…. Thanks Kennedy Nicole Cullen for the sweet nomination & thank you that took the time to vote. Now, go read The Give Away Girl that was on the poll with me & won since that story is amazing... Also, if you like vamp fics… the fic True Nature that was on there is killer… I love it and I voted for these two to win, which they did by the way.**

**As always I thank Tracy and Bernadette for their hard work and time invested in this fic. Any missing corrections are my fault.**

**Watch for teaser ch 10 and there will be a BPOV posted right after ch 10 goes up next week.**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

The small couch in my office was far from comfortable as I tried to sleep on it, but it was pointless. There would be no sleep after the night I had. My mind kept racing with what Tanya said and how incredibly unbelievable it all was.

_"I want us to try having an open marriage," she had said with an excited grin, as if what she was suggesting was wonderful._

_ "Open marriage?" I questioned her in disbelief, but she just continued on as if I had not spoken at all._

_ "With guidelines of course. I mean, I would want to approve who you'd be with; there will be times when I might want to be there, since let's face it, Edward, the other night was amazing!" she said with a sassy grin as I shook my head 'no' at her. This was not what I expected or wanted from this._

_ "Tanya, that is a ridiculous thought," I said. She looked at me with a shocked expression, as if I had smacked her instead of telling her that this was wrong._

_ "I am offering you a chance to have everything, Edward - a chance for __**us**__ to have everything - so don't tell me how ridiculous I am being," she hissed at me in anger. _

_ "Well, you're wrong," I said simply, rolling my eyes and turning back towards the door._

_ "Am I? Am I really that wrong or is it that you just can't handle the fact that you want another woman and I'm giving you that opportunity to be with her?" she yelled, while I searched for my car keys._

_ "I knew you were too immature to appreciate this. I knew you would act like a child instead of seeing this as the golden opportunity it truly is. I knew you would be too small-minded to understand how good for us, how good for __**you**__ it would be!" she yelled at me in anger, as I found my keys on the table where I had tossed them._

_ "Good for __**us**__?" I yelled back at her, turning to face her once more. "How the hell is this good for us?" I demanded, as she scowled at me. It was clear that she was pissed at me, not that I cared anymore._

_ "Yes, good for us," she countered back, but I stopped her._

_ "__**How**__ is this good for us?" I screamed angrily, as she looked at me, watching me with cold eyes while I refused to give in._

_ "I haven't been able to sleep, Tan. I can barely eat. I can't even __**think**__ right and now…now I've done something I can't take back while becoming someone I never wanted to be," I yelled, while watching her eyes go wide at my confession of how all of this had affected me._

_ "I'm not a cheater, Tan. I'm not, but…but…" I stammered, as I was slowly coming down from the wave of rage I was riding, while she watched me with surprised blue eyes._

_ "It's not cheating if I'm OK with it. It's not, Edward, and I'm OK with it, as long as we agree on some basic things," she said, urging me to listen to her, but I couldn't. I was too lost and somewhat sick over the idea to even listen to what she had to say._

_ "I can't even…" I said, turning toward the door to leave. She called out after me to stay, to listen, to believe in what she was trying to make me understand, but I couldn't even look at her, let alone stay. I walked out to the sound of her cries for me to stay, only to respond by slamming our front door._

I closed my eyes as I listened to my phone buzz once more on my desk, alerting me to yet another text message or voice mail from Tanya. She refused to give up, and while I had always found that quality admirable, in that moment, it was only annoying. I wanted a moment of peace. I needed time to think so I could respond without losing my head in the process since nothing came from finger pointing and name calling. I needed her to see that while I had always loved her wild side, I could not tolerate this. I could not imagine sharing her with anyone so it made no sense to me that she could be OK with this, let alone encourage it.

I was wrapped in my thoughts over how to bring this to an end when I heard soft knocking on my office door. It was timid with its light touch, yet just enough to send me back into a rage, since Tanya never knew when to give up. I tossed the paper thin scrap of a blanket that I had brought in from my car onto my desk, standing up in anger before jerking the door open with a growl.

"I told you to give me some goddamned time, yet you just can't help yourself, can you?" I sneered, jerking the door open expecting to find a teary-eyed Tanya. Instead, I was face-to-face with a blurry-eyed Bella. Her hair was in tangles around her shoulders. She stood before me with wide, sleepy eyes, wearing a worn, thin t-shirt from some high school I had never heard of before. She was wearing a pair of boxers that were rolled up to keep them on her hips, which clearly were not hers since they were too masculine in their dark pattern and too large for her. Just seeing them on her made my anger rise since I never wanted to think about her and another man ever.

"What the hell…." I sputtered as I looked at her, confused as to why she was there and what she wanted.

"Why are you…?" I managed to say, as she pushed me aside to enter the small office with a tired sigh.

"Why am I here?" she asked me with a tired voice that made my chest ache since I could hear the fatigue in her voice.

"That's a damned good question, Edward," she muttered, looking around the empty office as if she were evaluating my new sleeping arrangements.

"But the better one is why are _you_ here and why is your wife calling me looking for you?" she asked, her dark eyes finally meeting mine in an angry question.

"Why would she think you'd be with me?" she asked me in a sleepy tone, but the accusation was clear in her voice.

"I told her," I replied promptly as she looked at me. "I told her about us… here," I said, waving around at my office as I tried to remind her of our night together, while fighting off the bitterness of her already having forgotten.

"Edward…" she said quietly, but I could hear the sadness in her voice that tugged at my heart.

"I had to tell her. She's my wife and…that was wrong…we were wrong, Bella," I said, watching her move so she could sit down in my office chair. She was tired, I could see it in her slow movements and swallowed yawns.

"You should go home," I said, watching as she closed her eyes as if she were barely awake. She shouldn't be here with me, we shouldn't be alone together. I couldn't trust myself to be alone with her like this.

"No," she said simply as she looked at me and yawned widely, making me yawn in response. The silence stretched between us for a moment as she looked at me drowsily.

"She asked me if we had been together," she said, looking at me with half-opened amber eyes.

"She asked me if I would be with you," she said, as I rolled my eyes in response.

"Tanya would never ask…" I said, correcting her as she laughed a little at me.

"Tanya asked me to be with you and I told her that it wasn't really her choice. That it was yours and, if you wanted me, then I would consider it, but it wasn't her decision to make," she said in a firm tone, looking at me with a quiet assurance that surprised me.

"Can you believe that? She thinks she can dictate how this will be, how _you_ will be?" she said with a sad snicker, as she looked at me with a worn-out expression on her pretty face.

"Tanya likes to be in control," I managed to say, and then listened to her soft laughter in response to my words.

"So I've noticed," she snickered. I closed my eyes as a new wave of exhaustion settled over me.

"Bella, I am really sorry…" I managed to say, as she silenced me with a wave of her hand.

"Stop it, Edward. Please?" she pleaded with me. I sat down on the couch across from her with a sigh, as she moved out of the chair to come sit by me on the couch. She was so close that we were almost touching. Almost. I could feel the heat from her skin and smell the fruity scent of the body wash that she used, which made her smell sweet enough to eat. She looked soft and inviting as she sat by me, turning just enough so that she could look at me. I hated that she was looking at me since I couldn't look back. I couldn't look into her eyes and act as if we were nothing, when there was something there for me. I couldn't look at her and pretend that I never wanted her when I did.

"Please, Bella," I whispered, closing my eyes in an effort to block her out once more.

"Please what?" she asked me, as I tried to avoid her touch.

"We can't do this. Not ever again. I'm…I'm married and this would never work," I said in a rush, my mind calculating every scenario as to how it would work and work well. Tanya's voice echoed with the words 'open marriage' and how I could have it all. I could have this girl and my wife. I could live a life that few have and most want. I could have it all and the idea was tempting.

"I know, and I'm not trying anything with you, I promise," she said in a soft whisper, making my heart ache over the idea that she was not trying anything with me, even though I kind of wanted her to.

"Why are you here?" I asked, trying to make sense of why she was here at two in the morning instead of safe and asleep in her own bed.

"I'm here because you are," she said simply as she looked at me with a sigh, shifting next to me, close to me, but not touching.

"I was your friend before all of this, if you remember," she said with a tired sigh. She looked at me, waiting for me to deny it. We had been somewhat friends. We had spent time together. We had lunch together at times. We once even went to a classic movie film festival since Tanya refused to go and Bella loved old movies as I did.

"Friends?" I questioned her, unsure of what to think of this new development.

"Yes, friends," she said, fighting off a yawn. I yawned openly, not caring that she was trying to stifle hers.

"Ok, _friend_," I said with a mocking laugh, as Bella rolled her eyes at me.

"We can be friends, Edward," she said, as I closed my eyes and fought off the urge to pull her down to use as my pillow.

"I mean, I think you need one," she said with a snicker, as I shook my head at her.

"You have no idea," I whispered to her sarcastically, as I felt her hand in mine. It was soft and warm against my skin.

"I can be that friend, Edward," she said soothingly, just as I felt her press closer, running her fingers through my hair in a teasing manner that made me sigh.

"A friend. That's all, Bella nothing more. It can never be anything more," I said, opening my eyes and looking deeply into hers so she could see the truth as I spoke to her.

"If that's all I can be, so be it. I just want to be _something_ to you," she said in a soft tone with a sweet smile, but I could see the look of disappointment in her eyes. It was the same as the disappointment I felt inside.

"You _are_ something to me," I confessed softly, as I closed my eyes under her touch. My words halted her movements as she stopped rubbing my hair for a moment, creating a whisper of awkwardness between us.

"You hate that I am, don't you?" she asked me. I hung my head in shame since it was true that I did hate it. I hated that she was more to me than the pretty PA that I would greet with an uneasy smile. I could not stand that the little comfort I could find in her was gone because of the level of intimacy we had shared.

"It's OK. I understand," she said, shifting beside me, trying to put space between us as she slowly retracted her hand. I stopped her by taking hold of her hand in mine.

"Don't," I whispered to her, as she looked at me with a wounded look that she tried to cover up with an off-smile.

"I don't mean it like that, Bella. I mean…I mean…" I stammered on, but she stopped me.

"You're a good man, Edward, and you are trying so hard to _be_ that good man," she said, smiling at me sadly. It made my chest ache since she did understand. She actually understood me better than Tanya had over this epic fuckery that was created with one thoughtless night.

"I should never have pushed you for more the other night, I just…I just hated the idea of…never mind," she said softly. I watched her face flame red for a moment before she blew out a frustrated breath. She was embarrassed over something, but would not tell me what. Maybe it was best if I didn't know.

"It's OK, Bella. She's not upset and she promised me that she wasn't upset with you," I said, reassuring her as she looked at me worriedly.

"I'm not worried about _me_, Edward," she said in a very matter-of-fact tone, her hand sinking back into my hair to scratch at my scalp. I bit back a groan over how good it felt and couldn't but lean into her touch. She soothed me with her soft scratches and whispered sighs until I felt her shudder beside me.

"Are you cold?" I asked her as I opened my eyes to look at her. She was watching me with a worried look on her face before she nodded again. I pulled the small blanket off me to wrap her up inside it, but she stopped me by only taking half, while insisting that I keep some as well.

"We're friends, right?" she asked me with a yawn, cuddling herself closer to me, causing me to stiffen as her cold body curled around mine.

"We are," I mumbled. She ran her fingers through my hair, causing me to shudder against her over the sensations she created within me.

"And, as your friend, I don't want you to be cold either, so just stop," she said , struggling to cover me with what was left of the blanket, until I stopped her by taking the blanket to tuck it back around my shoulders as well.

"Just friends," I said, closing my eyes and needing the reassurance more than she did.

"Not every touch has to lead to something, you know. Sometimes it's just someone being nice and not trying to get in your pants," Bella snorted, pressing closer to me. I nodded my head in agreement while giving her more access to touch my hair, but the truth was that I wasn't sure about that. Tanya was never like that. When I had first met her at the young age of seventeen, whenever she touched me, it all led to her hand down my pants. This resulted in my first hand job which shocked the hell out me - that she would even do that before kissing me first - but that was Tanya; the memory of it made me snort out loud.

"What's so funny?" Bella asked me with a sleepy slur. I found my head resting on her shoulder, and I sighed as her magical touch slowed to match her soft breathing.

"I was just thinking…" I mumbled, trailing off, suddenly too embarrassed to tell this girl about the memory of Tanya. It seemed so wrong in this innocent moment shared between us.

"What about?" She asked me. I watched her close her eyes while her fingers continued to stroke my hair softly, lulling me back to sleep.

"How nice this is," I whispered softly. I felt a rush of embarrassment over my confession to her. I should be embarrassed since I was the one demanding nothing but friendship from this girl, while wanting something more.

"Yeah," she replied with an awkward sigh, squirming beneath me a little as if she were putting space between us, but there was no space to move if we both wanted the warmth of the blanket.

"You know, it's not like this with…anyone else," I said lamely, shaking my head for the lack of filter I had when I was this exhausted.

"I would hope not since otherwise, I'm not sure I could ever look at you and Jasper together ever again," she teased, giving me the out I didn't deserve by excluding Tanya from the conversation.

"Jasper is a good guy," I replied with a yawn. She laughed at me since we both knew it wasn't true.

"I mean it. It's not like this," I said once more, in a quiet tone, while I hoped she could hear the truth I was telling her. It was pointless, but I felt the need to explain to her that she was different and so was this moment between us. Tanya wasn't like this. She wasn't comforting in this manner. She was soft and warm, but consoling was not her thing. She was pure emotion and burned me with her constant fire, while Bella was like a calming balm to my soul. It was as if she understood and that was not something I was used to. It left me breathless and aching to tell her everything, even though I knew it wouldn't matter. It didn't change the fact that I was married and anything beyond being her friend was wrong. The horrible part about that reassurance was the fact that I needed her to know that even though we could never be together, that she was, and would forever be, different.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! I will be posting a Bella POV under the fanfic story The Gift BPOV concerning this either later tonight or tomorrow. No, it's not the same scene, but the next morning.**

**Thanks to Tracy & Bernadette for their awesome beta skills.**

**Watch for the ch. 11 teaser on my facebook page Mamasutra moments & The Fictionators. I will also send it out in all review responses. Watch for the BPOV since it will be giving a teaser in the AN of the story that is being written for The Fandom for Suicide Awareness. **

**I think I have babbled enough…**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

I slowly awoke to sounds of low voices and warmth. It was a soft warmth that I wasn't used to, too comforting to give up and face the harshness of the day.

"Do you really think you know him either?" I heard the low, tense whisper of a voice that should not have been there. I slowly realized that the warmth surrounding me was her; it was Bella, and knowing that she was there caused my eyes to flutter open. I gasped in response as I found myself sprawled across the small love seat with her, the blanket we shared wrapped around me.

"Bella?" I whispered questioningly, remembering her sudden appearance last night that ended in us both falling asleep after we talked softly about everything and anything all at once.

"Good morning, sleepy head," I heard Tanya call to me. I couldn't see her because my face was still buried in the crook of Bella's neck. Just hearing her voice made me freeze as I realized just how this moment, with a girl who was just offering comfort, looked far from innocent.

"Tan," I mumbled, slowly moving beneath Bella and pulling myself away, as I felt her cling to me for a moment before letting go completely.

"I was worried about you last night," she continued on, as if Bella weren't there watching her with dark, haunted eyes.

"Yeah," I mumbled, scrubbing at my face with my hands as if I was clearing the sleep from my head but, in truth, I just needed something to do. I needed a breather since the tension in the air was stifling.

"Thank goodness Bella was here to _comfort_ you," Tanya said, grinning at me knowingly. She thought I had had sex with Bella, and rightly so, since the last few times I was left alone with her, I couldn't control myself.

"Nothing happened," Bella said haughtily, surprising me as I sat there, collecting myself for a moment before facing both women.

"Sure," Tan said with a wide smile as she looked at Bella. "I'm not saying that anything _did_ happen, I just think it's nice that you care," she said sweetly. Bella watched her with a dark expression as I watched their exchange.

"_Someone_ needs to," she said firmly, looking from Tanya over to me, before telling me she had to go. I watched wordlessly as she stood up, grabbed her car keys and walked out of my office as if nothing had happened. Truly, nothing _had_ happened between us, yet _something_ had. Things were different now; the way she warmly looked back at me told me she knew it as well.

"What was that all about?" Tanya asked me after Bella was gone. I had no idea how to start explaining. I couldn't tell her that I had spent last night confessing everything to Bella, who held my hand and told me that I wasn't an asshole, even if it was a lie.

"Nothing Tan," I offered with a sigh, watching my wife for a moment. We had never had a night like that where I told her every fear that was plaguing me. Tanya wasn't the comforting kind and she had no tolerance for anything that appeared to be a sign of weakness. Tanya was bold and brave. She expected the same from me and, for the most part, that was how we'd lived until now. We had gone through life together without regrets and taking chances, but those chances never truly affected us as a couple until now.

"Why did you call her last night?" I asked her, wanting to hear her point of view since I already knew what Bella had told me.

"Where else would you be?" she asked me with a dramatic eye roll, as if it were common knowledge that I would chase after Bella.

"I told you I would never…" I started to say, but she stopped me with a laugh, as if _I_ were the one who was being ridiculous, not her.

"I told you, Edward, I was fine with it. I told you that if you needed her in your life, I was fine with it," she repeated to me, as if I were slow.

"Knock it off," I hissed at her in anger, while she laughed at me once more.

"There is nothing wrong with an open marriage, Edward," she continued on, as I gawked at her in shock. There really was no reason for me to be surprised anymore, since I'd heard it all from her before.

"You just need to have an open mind about it," she stated. I stood up, looking for my pants so I could get dressed and leave.

"And I told you last night, I will _not_ do this. I am not OK with sharing you. I am _not_ OK with that at all. If you had told me that this was something you would need when we got married, I would never…" I raged at her, but stopped short of finishing my sentence.

"You never would have what, Edward?" Tanya asked me in a goading tone, as I shook my head at her.

"You never would have married me?" she asked. I brushed past her, spotting my pants in a wadded ball by her feet.

"Just say it," she demanded from me. I glared at her while remaining silent. I knew her too well; if I said it, she would somehow use it against me.

"Tan, I love you. I've loved you since before we met, but I can't see sharing you. I don't know how you can be OK with sharing me," I said firmly, yanking on my pants before slipping on my untied tennis shoes and leaving her standing there.

"Where are you going?" she demanded, as I opened the office door to find a startled looking Jasper standing there, his office keys in his hand.

"Like I told you last night, I refuse to even consider an open marriage. I also told you last night that I needed time, but you just fucking refuse to give it to me no matter what I say!" I growled at her. I watched her eyes glaze over with tears before I turned away and left her standing there.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! I guess the question is now if Edward will stick to his guns or not….. Thanks to Tracy & Bernadette for all their hard work on the chapter. Thanks to Rene for pre reading this mess and helping me stay on track as well as giving me great ideas as I struggle through this one. Any lingering mistakes, plot holes, whatever are mine alone. **

**Sorry for the missed review replies. My husband had a long weekend last week and when he's at home I get nothing with fanfic done since I spend all my time with him. I promise to be better this week with a ch 12 teaser in the review replies. The teaser can also be found on my FB page. Watch your step from here since the next chapters will start the long way down…..**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

"So, I got in," Bella said, grinning widely as she sat down on the bench beside me. We had started to have lunch together in the days following the night she came to see me in my office. It was an odd relationship, but one I had come to count on. She listened to me and never pushed me any further than her need to make sure she bought her own lunch instead of my treating her.

"That is wonderful!" I said with a wide grin, but feeling sick inside knowing she would be leaving.

"How about you?" she asked me, her head cocked to the side and a knowing look plastered on her face. She knew I had applied to the University of Chicago for their PhD program for sociology. She was the only who knew. I had mentioned to Tanya that I was applying once more, but she gave me every reason why she would not live in the Midwest.

"I know you got your letter, you big, fat liar," she said, looking at me with wide brown eyes that were warm with laughter.

"I am not fat," I replied with a grin, since we both knew I was liar. I had taken to lying about her to Tanya because every time I mentioned Bella's name, Tanya would add to her workload.

"You shouldn't lie about me to her," she said sadly, with a soft smile. She didn't understand that Tanya would make her life miserable now that she was done pushing me toward Bella and, instead, had moved on to pushing me toward the blonde girl that leered at me from my night class - as if I would ever be interested in _her_.

"Don't worry about me, B. You just worry about you," I said with a smile, making her laugh because she knew what I was doing.

"I don't need you to protect me," she said, a soft blush on her cheek, as she looked at me with warm eyes and a matching smile. I knew she didn't. Bella was a strong woman who was courageous and smart, but she had no idea how Tanya worked. I did. I knew that Tanya would run her off by overworking her and tormenting her until she left without looking back. I couldn't have that. I could not lose Bella at the hands of the woman who had brought her to me.

"Just trust me, B," I said, as she shook her head at me as if she couldn't believe me. Before she could speak, a shadow fell across the table. I looked up to find Riley Biers standing before her, with a wide grin. He was young, handsome and the biggest douche bag that the sociology department had outside of Jasper.

"Hey, Swanny," he said in a teasing manner, but I could see through it.

"Biers," Bella said with a grin, as I sat there feeling invisible; maybe I was in this particular exchange.

"Word on the street is you got into Northwestern," Riley said, focusing on the young girl who sat across from me. I watched as he smiled at her with a soft smile, but I could see the desire and desperation it held. He wanted her. I could see it in the way he leaned toward her and laughed at her nervous giggle.

I listened to their exchange with burning curiosity, feeling a sickness wash over me as I watched them exchange phone numbers. They were making plans and I was forced to watch as if I were a nonentity - and, in that moment, I was. I did not exist as they laughed about mutual friends and other professors. It was a sweet conversation and, in all honesty, Riley Biers was an OK guy. He was the type of guy that would just be an OK boyfriend, and maybe even an OK husband. I couldn't help but wonder if Bella realized that she deserved _more_ than OK; she deserved nothing short of amazing.

"So, I'll see you tonight?" I heard Riley ask her, ignoring me as he focused on Bella with all of his charming, pretty boy manners. I waited while holding my breath for her answer. I knew there was no way she would agree. I just knew she would see through his pretty boy bullshit and tell him to fuck off; when she giggled and agreed to meet him later, I was left slack-jawed with surprise. I remained in stunned silence as they said good bye before Bella turned back to me with a slight, sweet smile, making my heart hurt; I wanted that smile for my own.

"What?" she asked me with an embarrassed smile, looking from me for a moment, back to the retreating form of Riley Biers, and then back to me again.

"I just…I don't know," I said, shaking my head at her while she looked at me in surprise.

"I guess I just don't see him as your type," I said, trying to mask my unfounded hurt with a swagger that made her laugh, as she looked away from me.

"Not my type?" she said, laughing loudly and playing along with the bravado that I was displaying.

"Yeah, you heard me, Swan. Not your type," I repeated with a grin, even though it hurt my heart.

"What exactly is my type?" she asked me with a grin that was more than teasing, it was flirtatious and sexy, making my heart pound against my ribs as I tried to match her sexy smirk with one of my own.

"I don't know... I'm thinking an older, more mature man. Maybe one with great hair and a brilliant sense of humor," I said with a wide grin, repeating back some of the attributes she had claimed that she saw in me.

"I _do_ like older men, Mr. Cullen," she teased, standing up to leave since it was time for her class.

"Unfortunately for me, the older man that I want never seems to want me," she said almost mockingly. She smiled in a sultry manner, leaving me to watch her walk away.

"She has an amazing ass," I heard Jasper say with a hiss, his leering words pulling me out of losing myself in the sway of Bella's hips.

"Shut up," I said, turning to face him as he laughed at me.

"I'm just saying with an ass like that, I would have kept that girl on her knees so I could watch it jiggle with each hard fuck," Jasper said, thrusting his hips like the fucking idiot he was, not seeming to care that everyone in the quad was watching his lewd display. His words had me on my feet as I shoved him hard to silence him.

"What the fuck, man?" he said, as I practically knocked him on his ass.

"Just don't," I warned with a finger in his chest, as he started to laugh at me once more.

"Do _not_ tell me you have a crush on this girl," he said with a laugh, while I stood there glaring at him, willing him to shut his mouth.

"Oh my God, you _do_, don't you?" he asked me, as I shoved him again.

"I…I just want you to leave her alone," I demanded, as he looked at me as though I had lost my mind.

"Whatever. Just pull your shit together before tonight," Jasper said in a dismissing tone, turning to leave me alone amongst the sea of students that had been watching our odd display.

"Fuck," I mumbled, remembering the double date Tanya had arranged with Jasper and Alice. This was her attempt to comply with my demands for a so-called normal lifestyle, instead of the open-date party that was nothing short of a key party with wine and appetizers.

The day wore on until I was finally on my way home. I was almost to my apartment, when my phone chimed with a text message.

_Have fun tonight._

Bella. She always had a way of texting me and reminding me that she was still there. Normally, her sweet texts would warm my heart as I made my way home, knowing that my evening would be filled with awkward silence as Tanya and I had come to an awkward impasse. Typically, I would read her sweet wishes of a good night and smile, but tonight was different. I couldn't feel good knowing that she was out there with him. I was far from comfortable that she would spend her night drinking with him even though Bella was free to be with whomever she wanted. I would remind her of that whenever she would tell me she was skipping out on some get-together that I knew about.

"_You should go," I said firmly, as Bella shook her head at me with a slight laugh._

"_Edward, those parties are full of drunken college guys just looking to get laid," she said, crinkling her nose in the cutest way as if she were disgusted by the idea of it. I secretly loved that she hated that scene since I always had as well. _

"_I know, I just don't want you to miss out on anything," I said lamely, listening to her sigh. I looked away from the girl who filled my days with her own brand of sunshine, knowing that she knew what I was saying without my having to say the words. She knew I was telling her to go on without me, even though I was the one holding her here with our lunch dates and late afternoon coffees._

"_I'll go when I'm ready," she said firmly, taking my hand in hers briefly for a slight squeeze before letting it go. It was always the softest of touches with Bella, but they were more than enough to shake me to my core._

It was in that moment I realized what she was doing. Bella was letting go, and while it was the right thing to do, it left me cold inside. It had always been her calm promise of _when I'm ready_, but now it was clear that she was. I should have been relieved that she was moving on as I had told her to, but the gnawing in my stomach and the shaking of my hands suggested otherwise.

My phone buzzed again, reminding me that I had ignored her text, but there was nothing I could say. I could not tell her to have fun since that was the last thing I wanted her to do, even if I really needed her to do that and be fine without me.

I drove into the parking area for the building, parking in my usual spot. I spotted Tanya's car and felt that sinking feeling take over, the weight of my reality setting in, leaving me breathless with its numbing ache. I grabbed my phone, knowing that if I didn't respond, Bella would worry. She always worried about me and that thought made me smile; but, worrying was the last thing I wanted for her tonight. I wanted her happy and free to celebrate an accomplishment that she had worked hard to achieve. I just wished I was able to be there with her, watching her eyes shine bright with beer and laughter. Instead, I would be trapped at a stuffy, over-priced dinner with people who were wrapped up in their own lives.

_Have fun and be good._

It was the best I could say to her because 'don't go' and 'don't forget about me even though I'm married so we can't be together' seemed the wrong words to text her on her big night. It was what I wanted to say, but it was wrong. I let it go, took a deep breath and got out of the car.

In the apartment, Tanya greeted me with a stiff kiss while I cringed beneath it. She was angry and without reason because I refused to see things her way. She wanted more than what I did and her explanation were nothing short of senseless.

"You ready?" she asked me in a happy voice, but it was fake and I could see that. She hadn't been happy since the morning she found me with Bella in my office.

"Give me a minute," I said, walking past her toward our bedroom to change, and bracing myself for the onslaught that was coming my way.

"You sure you want to do this?" she asked me. I listened as her heels clicked on the hardwood floor as she followed me.

"Tan, stop it. We've discussed this and you know how I feel," I said in a flat tone, as she tsk'd me in response.

"No, we agreed that I would do this and, in return, you would attend a party with me," she reminded me of my promise to her. It was a promise made in effort to stop her tears as we discussed the idea of going our separate ways.

"I will, but that doesn't mean anything and it sure as hell doesn't mean that I will agree to do anything," I said. I pulled off the polo I was wearing to grab a button-down shirt that would be a bit dressier for our night at the jazz bar.

"I bet if Bella were there, you would," she said snidely, causing me to turn and look at her. Tanya leaned against the door frame in her short red dress that showed off the curve of her legs and the swell of her breasts. It had always been a favorite of mine since it played up her beauty, yet looking at her, a hard scowl firmly in place, she was anything _but _beautiful. She looked bitter and overly-done as if she were trying too hard to use her stunning looks as a weapon.

"Do _not_ start with me," I growled at her, as she rolled her eyes in response.

"I'm just saying…" she said with a tight smile, trying to downplay her jab.

"I know what you are saying and it needs to stop right now," I growled at her.

"Why? It's just the truth. You like her and…and I know it. You would do it if it were her, so don't bother lying to me, Edward," she said in a tight voice. I rolled my eyes and shook my head at her while buttoning my shirt.

"I don't lie," I said to her, lying to her as I stood there searching for a tie to wear, while she laughed loud and mockingly at me. I never used to lie to her, but now it was unavoidable, if I still wanted to keep Bella in my life.

"You don't lie?" she asked me in a shrill voice, making me cringe in response because she knew.

"OK, where do you spend your lunches, Edward?" she asked me in a knowing manner, as I felt my stomach twist with nerves in response.

"Or should I say, _who _do you spend your lunches with because it sure as hell is not me," she hissed at me, as I looked away from her. I wanted to feel bad, but I couldn't since those lunches with Bella had become the bright spot in my day.

Tanya looked at me with wide eyes as we faced each other. We were walking a fine line with our marriage and she knew it. It was a line that she didn't want to cross any more than I did. We both knew if we did, there would be no coming back, there would be no us.

"Are you done?" I asked her in a cold tone, making her flinch in response. I didn't bother to tell her that it was _her_ doing that put me on a crash course with Bella. It was her greedy need to _expand my horizons,_ as she tried to explain it to me, which led me to Bella.

"I'm sorry," she said with teary eyes, looking away from me as she always did when I was pushed too far concerning Bella. She knew it killed me, but I was done feeling bad about it; my lack of response wounded her. "It's just that…" she started to say, but I stopped her with a hard look. The silence filled the space between us as I continued dressing for the night out that I was now second-guessing why we were even going.

I turned to look at myself in the mirror, making sure I was put together on the outside, even if on the inside I was far from it. I noticed Tanya watching me with a haunted look upon her face. She looked as lost as I felt as she gazed at me with a hurt look in her blue eyes.

"You still love me, right, Edward?" she asked me in quiet voice that was small and lonely-sounding. It pierced my heart to hear the fear in her tone. She was scared and rightly so, since I was as well. I was scared since I did love her. I would always love her, but this change – her unreasonable demands, all of it - was slowly killing me and us.

"Of course I still love you, Tan, and that will never change," I confessed to her in a low whisper, that hurt me as it was the only truth I had left when it came to her.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! I was not going to post this, but I hate that ch 11 did nothing to advance the plot so I thought this would help. Once more thanks to Tracy & Bernadette for their mad beta'ing skills. Thanks to Rene for her hand holding and seeing my vision in this story.**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

"Tanya looks amazing tonight," Jasper said, as we sipped beer, watching the women talk while we waited for a table. I looked over at my wife. I was used to men looking at her and appreciating her beauty but, with Jasper, every compliment came across in a leering manner that set me on edge.

"Um…yeah…so does Alice," I replied, looking at his wife who was actually a very pretty woman, with her petite frame and dark hair that made her blue eyes look bluer. She was too sweet to be married to him that was for sure.

"Yeah, Alice is bat-shit crazy and I'm going to blame you for that," he said in a hard tone, as I gawked at him in surprise.

"Me?" I demanded, shifting in my seat to look at him better as he glared at me.

"Tanya gave her that damned book, you know. I guess she needed it for her book club," Jasper said as he rolled his eyes. I knew the book he was talking about. It was the same book everyone was talking about, the one that convinced all the housewives that getting beaten with a belt was hot. It was fucked up at best, but brilliant in its own way, since it was now a best seller.

"Yeah, so when Alice said she wanted to _play _after reading that shit, I thought of all the fun we could have. I mean, I could tie her up; I would spank her if that's what she wanted. I thought for sure I would get my chance to finally put that damned ball gag in her mouth like I've dreamed of for years now, but no…" he said, glaring at me as I waited, captivated by his story that bordered on being ridiculous.

"No, instead she decides that _she's_ the dominant one. She wants to paint our bedroom blood red and spank me with a belt that would leave welts with the word 'slut', Edward," he hissed angrily in a low whisper. I laughed out loud, causing people in our vicinity to turn and look, while he slugged me in the shoulder to quiet me.

"Spank _me_, Edward? I mean what the fuck?" he growled. I tried to stifle my laughter, but was unsuccessful as the image of my friend filtered through my mind, in a leather harness with a ball gag in his mouth, being flogged by a leather-corseted Alice.

"You're an asshole," he said, as I continued chuckling while another image of Alice, looking vaguely like the lead singer of Judas Priest, ran through my mind until I was laughing so hard that I couldn't breathe.

"I don't know, man. I mean, it sounds hot," I teased, looking at his wife who was dressed so prim and proper in her dark, modest dress that matched her sensible shoes.

"How about I hit _you_ with the slut belt? Would you like that?" he asked me in a desperate tone, which only made me laugh more before he explained that a slut belt was a belt that would leave a welt on your skin that spelled out the word _slut._

"It's utter bullshit that _you_ get the crazy-assed wife that just wants to swing with you, while I get the wife who's decided that our sex life should include whips and a glass dildo up my ass," he ranted. I spit beer all over the table when he mentioned the glass dildo.

"What's going on here, my pet?" Alice asked with a smile that was both sweet and sly, as she wrapped her arm around Jasper's shoulder, making him flinch.

"Nothing, Edward is just being an asshole," he mumbled, as I resorted to soft giggles while Tanya watched me wistfully.

"Well, they just called our name, so…" Tanya said, waiting for Jasper and Alice to pass, and letting them take the lead in following the waiter to our table. It left us lingering for a moment, facing each other.

"It's good to see you laugh," she said with a sad smile, as I took her hand in mine and directed her to the table. Her hand was cold in mine and such a different contrast from the girl who I spent my lunches with. It made me wonder if her hand had always been this cold and it was only now that I noticed it.

I watched Tanya as we were seated and, in that moment, she was the Tanya that I had always loved. She was funny and smart with her teasing conversations. She would laugh loudly while smiling brightly. Watching her like that, I could almost forget about the madness that surrounded us now with the other lovers and Bella.

"I love you," she whispered in a low, sexy whisper, as Jasper and Alice bickered over what to order. I whispered it back, repeating it for the both of us in order to remind myself that I _did_ love her. I had always loved her and would always love her. I gave myself a mental pep talk that what we were going through was just a rough patch and all couples went through them. I knew it was true and, when I looked at Tanya with her eyes bright with love, I could almost believe it.

The night wore on; as the women became engrossed in conversation, Jasper became silent. He was thinking. I could see it on the blank look on his face, while leaving me in silence, which was fine since the quiet, was calming. I checked my phone for messages from Bella, but it was silent tonight, as well. Her silence troubled me since she was never silent. She always texted me with quotes from books and whatever other thoughts she had. It was cute because it was a running stream of her consciousness in what she wrote me.

"You know, if I were you, I'd do it," Jasper said in a low whisper. I turned to look at him, unsure of what the hell he was speaking of now.

"I mean, you aren't going to stop Tanya. It will happen no matter if you want it to or not. It's pretty clear that she's made up her mind," he continued on as he watched my wife, speaking the words that I'd thought as well. Once Tanya makes up her mind, she does it. That's why Bella was in my bed that night - Tanya wanted it to happen and I went along, but only because it was Bella. Tanya now wanted multiple partners. She wanted to explore, wanted to be with both men and women. She wanted it all and wanted _me_ to want it all with her. She wanted a hedonistic lifestyle and, while that was fine, it was never a lifestyle that I dreamed of or wanted.

"She seems to think that the fastest way to put out a fire is by pouring gasoline on it," he said with a quiet snicker, just as Tanya turned to look at me with a smile that hurt my heart.

"Do you still see forever with her?" he asked me, asking the question I had asked myself countless times. I knew the answer and it scared me since I hated to imagine my world without her in it.

"I think you should do it, man. I would give it a try. I mean, what could it hurt now, but I would have my own list of demands as well," he continued on, as if the topic we were discussing was nothing of importance when it truly was. It was my _life_.

"I mean, if you're going down in a blaze of glory you might as well enjoy the ride," he said, looking at me before taking another sip of his beer.

"What does that mean?"I asked, feeling the bristling of anger surface within me.

"She's clinging to you even as she pushes away, and you refuse to walk away even though you've let go," he said cryptically. I shook my head at him and his nonsense.

"You don't think we'll last?" I asked, looking at my friend. I knew the truth but, somehow, hearing it from Jasper made it all the more real and tragic.

"You've spent all night checking your phone for what I am guessing is a message from Bella, while Tanya has spent all night watching you do it. From where I'm sitting, it seems like you're already gone," he said with a shrug. I sat there, totally stunned from the bluntness of his observation of what had become of my life.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! Thanks to Tracy and Bernadette for all their hard work on beta'ing this chapter. Any remaining mistakes are mine alone. **

**For those of you waiting for Edward's epiphany as well as descent it begins now… For those that are confused over Tanya, remember she wants what she wants without giving up what she has. A wise person would know you can't have it all.**

**Any who...I will post a teaser for ch 14 on my FB page as well as try to get them out in review replies for those interested.**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	14. Chapter 14

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight

We drove back in silence. Tanya fidgeted in her seat while watching the scenery passing by. She was unhappy. It was all over her face in the form of frown lines and teary eyes.

"Tanya," I said softly. I looked at her and then stopped, since I had no idea what to say next. What _was_ there to say?

"You promised, Edward. You promised," she said, as I continued driving toward our apartment.

"You have to be kidding me if you think I'm going to some swingers' party," I said, as she rolled her eyes at me.

"You promised, Edward! What was it that you used to tell me; '_Edward Cullen always keeps his promises',_" she mocked, turning to look at me with surprisingly cold eyes.

"Or, is it that you only keep your promises when it's something _you_ want?" she hissed, just as I pulled into our assigned parking spot. Her words cut deeply, as I stared at her in shock.

"Do not start with me over promises made and kept because _you_ are the fucking Queen of broken promises," I growled. She laughed sarcastically at me, making me grip the steering wheel tightly in response. She was pushing it and she knew it.

"I promised you nothing," she said with a smirk that made my blood boil due to the lie. She opened the car door and got out. I watched her walk away as if she were the victor in this war of words we were having; but, she wasn't. All she had done was confess that her promises meant nothing.

I watched her turn back toward me, asking me in a muffled tone if I was coming or not. It was all I needed to spark the fire inside of me that had been smoldering. I started the car back up to leave her.

"Where are you going?" she yelled at me, as I rolled down my window to smile at her like the fucking lunatic I had become.

"What does it matter?" I asked as the engine purred, covering her exasperated sigh.

"Edward, I am tired of these games you insist on playing," she said, glaring at me as if I were the one who started this game.

"Games that _I_ play?" I asked her with a laugh. I turned toward her wearing a grin that I knew would piss her off even more.

"I'm only playing the game _you_ started," I said, chuckling darkly. She looked at me with wide eyes as if she knew where I was headed, when I clearly had no idea.

"Edward…" she started to say, but I silenced with her with a laugh.

"You want an open marriage. You want to fuck other people. You want it all and could just give a fuck about what I want," I said with a laugh, shaking my head at her as she stammered in response.

"That's not true. I just think this is a good opportunity for us to reach a higher plane in our sense of self. I mean, nothing moves or changes a person more than a relationship, and interactions with one another. I believe that we are called to be higher individuals than what we are; yet, we bog ourselves down with the trappings of monogamy when enlightenment is well within our reach," she said passionately, lecturing me like I was one of her star-struck students.

"I'm out of here," I said, starting to roll up the window to end her babbling nonsense. I didn't want to hear any more from her.

"Wait!" she screamed, as I started driving away.

"Where are you going?" she demanded. I smirked at her like the asshole I felt like being in that moment. I had long been tolerant of her rambling over the many supposed perks of poly relationships, while she refused to see my side of things. She refused to discuss jealousy and betrayal. She would not speak of how another person could come in and take root in your heart before taking over everything in your life. She thought that this was a good idea and, to me, it was as dangerous as opening Pandora's Box; except we'd already done it and were now feeling the effects of it all.

"Well, Dr. Denali, I'm off to enjoy the perks of our open marriage. You know, seek enlightenment by sticking my dick in another woman, that's what you want me to do, right? I mean, that's real enlightenment, right? Fucking someone whom you don't care about, seeking out personal release instead of shared pleasure, being too fucking selfish to see what's in front you as you chase what feels good for that moment, right? I mean, that sounds like a higher plane to me as well," I said with a mocking laugh. She frantically shook her head 'no' at me. She was worried because she truly didn't know if I would do it or not.

"No, Edward, there are rules that we need to adhere to when it comes to this type of thing. We need to approve of the partners we bring into our marriage and follow the simple signs of respect…" she started to say, as I laughed maniacally. She watched me with a look of fear in her eyes. She had never been afraid of me and, while I should have been ashamed by it, I wasn't. There was power in her fear. She should have known what she was asking of me when it came to matters like this, but it was so like her to think only of herself.

"Rules? Signs of respect? You had no respect for _my_ wishes so why the hell would I give a damn about _yours_? Whatever, Tan. I'm out and you're on your own for tonight," I said, not caring that I was leaving her behind. I drove off into the darkness of the night to burn off the rage that was consuming me, while my life spun out of control all around me. I needed grounding. I needed to find my so-called center so I could put everything into perspective, and I knew exactly where she would be.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! I thought I would just pos early since I never got those review replies done. Thanks to Bernadette & Tracy for making this look good. Any lingering mistakes are all mine.…. **

**P.S.**

**I might be posting ch 15 on Friday as well.**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

The bar was crowded; the music blaring so loudly that it hurt my ears. This was not my typical haunt, but I was there all the same since I knew _she_ was. Bella had told me she was going to be there and, because of it, so was I.

I pushed my way through the crowd, seeking her out and fighting off the rage that threatened to consume. Bella. She was here. I just needed to find her since I had plans for her and her sweet flesh.

If Tanya wanted an open marriage, then that's what she would get.

I finally reached the dance floor, not expecting to find Bella there. I knew she was shy - in the past, she would never dance at university functions - but that was back when I knew her as the demure grad student, not the sex kitten who liked being fucked from behind while having her nipples tweaked. I looked over the dance floor and spotted her immediately. She was moving beneath the slender frame of Riley Biers in the most seductive way.

Bella wore a tight red dress that showed off her amazing tits, proudly displaying that she wasn't wearing a bra with each delicious jiggle they made. Watching their movement was mesmerizing and I wasn't the only one who was enthralled with their soft bouncing. Biers was watching her. His eyes were clearly on her tits, watching them move in time to the rhythm of the music. His hands pulled on her hips, causing her to grind against him while pushing her dress up until it barely covered her ass. It was an erotic display that many other men were also enjoying. Maybe I would have enjoyed it if I was anyone else, but all I could think as he touched her was one single word.

_Mine._

I saw red as I watched him move his hand, dipping it lower until his fingers were trailing up her inner thigh. The closer he came to her pussy, the more agitated I became. While Bella wasn't mine, I couldn't stop thinking of her as if she were mine. It was fucked up, but so was I, so it made sense in my twisted mind. She was mine. She had told me so over and over again that night. To see his hands on her made my stomach twist in a sick fashion as rage consumed me. He was not to touch her. _No one_ was to touch her since she was _my_ girl and I was not about to share her with him or anyone else.

I marched across the dance floor, shoving people out of the way, until I reached her. I grabbed hold of Riley Biers and shoved him away from her with a snarl, making people turn and stare as if I were deranged. I was. I had fucking lost my mind over this girl and the mess she created in my life.

"Edward," Bella screamed at me, but it came out as more of a silent whisper since I couldn't hear her above the loud music. Honestly, I didn't care what she had to say. I was a man on a mission. I was burning alive and I wanted to reduce her to ash right along with me.

I gripped her arm tightly and started dragging her through the crowd, only to be stopped by Riley. He stood before me with a questioning look that was supposed to be menacing, but there was nothing intimidating about him. He was nothing more than an overgrown child and I quickly disposed of him with a hard shove. He wasn't going to stop me now that I had made up my mind. I decided that, not only _could_ I have it all, I _would_ have it all. I would have Bella. I would have her any way I wanted, since that was exactly what was being offered.

I could feel Bella swatting me as I pulled her down a dark hallway, not caring where it led, just wanting to get her alone. We were almost free from the club when I felt a heavy hand upon my shoulder, stopping me from pulling Bella out the door.

"What the hell, man?' I heard Riley bark at me angrily, as I turned to face him. His eyes were dark and dull from liquor, but had a fire in them as he stood before me. He knew I was taking her and there wasn't a damned thing he could do about it.

"It's…OK," Bella said begrudgingly, placing a hand on his chest. Just seeing how she touched him - so innocently and soothing - even if it was to try to protect me, enraged me even more. She was not to touch him, it made me sick to see her touch him.

"Yeah?" Riley questioned her, his eyes never leaving mine. He knew I was up to no good; he could see it.

"Yeah, it's fine really. Edward just…needed to talk to me," she said sadly, looking back at me with somber, dark eyes that did nothing for my temper tantrum. I watched as she calmed him down with the simple promise to call him later and agreeing to meet up for coffee tomorrow afternoon. I remained silent as they exchanged their awkward good-byes, before Riley finally left us alone.

Once he departed, I pulled her alongside me, moving her outside to get her alone.

"What the fuck are you doing?" she screamed at me, as we stepped out into the crisp night air. The cold air should have been a shock to my system, sobering me from my lust-crazed mind, but it wasn't. I was too far gone and I didn't even care. I kept pulling her alongside me, scuffing her shoes, until we were in the parking lot and against my car.

"What the hell, Edward?" she demanded in a low hiss of anger, her voice slurred from whatever drinks she'd had during the night. Her face was red from alcohol and rage, while her eyes burned dully with anger. She was beautiful and too perfect for words.

"What the fuck were you doing with him?" I demanded, shaking her for emphasis, as I struggled for what little control I had over my emotions.

"You have no right," she growled at me while pushing me away, but I refused to budge. Instead, I kept a firm hold on her as if she were my lifeline in the epic shit storm that was my life.

"No right, Edward!" she growled again, killing me softly with the deadly look upon her beautiful face.

"I have _every_ right!" I shouted at her, as she drunkenly giggled at me over my ridiculous demands. "You said…you said you were mine!" I yelled, as she rolled her eyes in response to my words.

"You are so fucking full of yourself," she said condescendingly, which only added to my rage. "Or have you forgotten that you have _her_?" she asked me with a smile that was both bitter and cruel. It hurt to see her like this, yet I wanted her to be hurt. I wanted to punish her for hurting me by choosing him. I wanted to make her pay for a mistake that was mine alone by wanting her when I shouldn't have, and pay she would.

I pushed her against the cold steel and glass door, pinning her between the car and myself. Her body was warm and soft, just like I remembered; feeling it pressed tightly against me made my dick hard with memories of how it had felt being inside her. I looked down at her and was amazed to find her glaring at me in anger. It was a look that I wanted to fuck right off her face as she glowered at me. She was pissed, that rage only added to her beauty as we stood there in this odd battle of wills.

"Have you forgotten about _her_? Because I haven't. I haven't forgotten _once_ that you belong to another," she said in defiance to my angry stance against her.

"I haven't forgotten how you reminded me that you belong to _her_, yet it's not enough is it?" she hissed angrily. She grinned at me, victorious, even though I still loomed over her like a dark shadow. She knew that she was winning this war of words and moral fortitude.

"It's not enough that you have her to go home to, so because of that, I have to be alone, right?" she laughingly asked, cutting me deeply since that was _exactly_ what I wanted. I _wanted_ her to be alone, waiting and wanting me, not out with boys who would use her and toss her to the wayside, notwithstanding that was what I would do to her as well.

"I don't want that… I just think that…" I stammered, struggling to come up with a lie in an effort to cover my ass from all the truths she knew of me.

"I know what you think," she said, looking at me with a knowing look mixed in with her angry stare.

"I know I have the right to be with anyone I want. You can't say one damned thing about it because you're married, Edward. Remember your wife? Remember Superfreak?" she yelled, shoving me. It was pointless. I wasn't moving and neither was she. Now that she was pressed completely against me, I wasn't thinking of Tanya as I felt her against me. I was thinking how perfect her curves aligned with my body. Memories of our times together flooded my mind, reminding me how flexible she was.

"I know, but…" I said in a low whisper, looking at her red lips as the image of them wrapped around my cock left me speechless.

"But it's not enough, is it?" Bella said, with a knowing grin.

"You want more," she said softly, in a tone laced with desire since she knew I wanted her.

"_He_ would never hurt me, Edward, and we both know all you want to do is hurt me. You want to drain me dry until nothing is left for me to give," she said in a dark tone, calling me out on my secret desires regarding her.

"Riley would be a good man, a good boyfriend and I'm the dumbass who keeps turning him down because all I want is you. I can't stop thinking about you or dreaming about you. I can't stop thinking how unfair it is that you want her and he wants me when all I've _ever_ wanted was you," she said in a low tone that made me hurt for her, even though she was wrong.

"I die a little more each day that I have to watch you with her and you don't even care. And, now? Now? You want to deny me what little happiness I could possibly find with someone else? That's cruel, Edward, just fucking cruel, but I should expect nothing less from you," she said thickly, trying to hold back tears. Her words gutted me, but they were wrong. I _did _want her. I wanted her more than anything, which was the problem between us.

"I want you," I whispered roughly, digging my fingers dug into her hips, pulling her onto me so she could feel me, achingly hard, just for her. I watched, disturbingly pleased, as Bella shuddered against me, letting me feel her reaction to my cock deep within my soul.

My words set off a chain reaction between us as Bella's hands tangled in my hair, pulling me down for a hard kiss as my hands cupped her tits through her dress. I groaned against her lips as I felt their weight and stiff peaks, begging for my mouth and tongue.

Bella's lips opened beneath mine, letting our tongues tangle. I tasted the burn of vodka and fruit juice on her lips mixed with the sugary taste that was purely Bella. It was mind blowing and made me wonder why I had ever tried to deny myself this girl, when all I wanted now was to drown myself in her sweetness.

"Say it again," she whispered against my lips, breaking our kiss to hear me speak, but I wasn't able to form the words. Instead, I pulled her back in for a heated kiss, forcing her mouth open to accept my tongue, as she groaned her approval.

My head was spinning as I realized this was what I needed. I had needed her. While it was scary as hell, it was also soothing since I truly was aware of my own needs for the first time in weeks. I had always put Tanya's wants before my own as I was taught a good husband should do, but in this moment of breathless kisses, it was all about me and Bella; Tanya was not in the mix at all.

Our kisses grew more heated as I struggled to be closer to Bella. Her dress was bunched up and her legs wrapped around my hips, holding me in place as we ground against each other in the most maddening of ways. The sounds of catcalls filled the air, listening to other men whistle and yell out obscenities at how Bella was spread across my car was enough to pull me back from the brink of madness. I realized that this was fucking insane. I looked down at Bella, whose eyes were closed in ecstasy as I pressed hard against her. She was breathtaking like this, but I was not about to share one second of our private moment with anyone else.

"Come on," I said, stepping back and pulling her upright, as she wobbled on her unsteady legs.

"What?" she asked me in a dazed manner, as I opened my car door for her and urged her to get inside.

"We need to leave," I explained, the catcalls continuing while Bella looked toward the asshole college kids who were watching us. She looked embarrassed, her cheeks flamed red and her eyes went wide before ducking into the car, covering her beautiful face. I ran around to my side of the car and got in as quickly as I could, closing the door so that only silence surrounded us.

Bella refused to look at me, but I couldn't have that. I couldn't stand the idea of her being embarrassed of us since there was nothing to _be_ embarrassed about. I wanted her and she wanted me. There was nothing simpler than that. Slowly, with a gentle hand, I pulled her hands away from her face so that she looked at me.

"You are beautiful and perfect and…" I stammered, trying to come up with the words she needed to hear to feel better about this, whatever this was between us.

"You really think that?' she asked me in a soft, contemplative tone that made me smile. Bella was always the thinker and this situation between us was no different.

"I have _always_ thought that about you. That's why I could never speak around you. You would render me stupid and that was embarrassing for me," I confessed, looking into her eyes as I held her face in my hands. Her eyes were dark and stormy with emotion, a far cry from the passion I had just seen in them. It left me breathless as I wondered what she was thinking, which was no different than before since I had always wondered what the girl was thinking.

"I want you," I confessed to her. She looked at me as if she were extracting the truth from my soul.

"I think about you all the time and even at times when I shouldn't" I said softly, caressing her cheek with my thumb. The memory of being with Bella had filled my mind every time I had made love to Tanya since then.

"You are the first thought I have in the morning and the last thought I think of at night," I confessed, as she watched me with a blank look on her face. It wasn't fair since I was far from single and truly had no plans of leaving my wife, but this was not about being fair to her or me, for that matter. This was about _us_ and she needed to know that she consumed my thoughts at every moment of the day.

"You're still married," she whispered to me in a sorrowful tone, reminding me of my words to her from before.

_I'm a married man._

_ We can never be more than friends._

They were cruel words that I had told her and all I wanted to do was take them back, pretending as if they had never been uttered.

"I am, but she wants more and is willing to give me more," I whispered, feeling the twinge of embarrassment that always came with the idea of Tanya wanting more, a blatant reminder that I wasn't enough.

"More?" Bella questioned, looking at me, her gaze never wavering, as I continued holding her face in my hands.

"Yes, you are _more_ and I want you," I said, leaning in to press a soft kiss against her lips in an effort to silence her. It didn't work as she whispered a muttered curse mixed in with nonsense.

"Be my _more_, Bella," I whispered against her lips. I was uncertain how to go about asking her to be mine when I belonged to another; the awkwardness of that lingered in the air between us.

"Be my…be my Bella," I stuttered to her lamely as I looked into her eyes, willing her to understand something that was nearly impossible to understand. It was so out of the ordinary for me and Bella, yet the easiest thing in the world, as I thought of how I could have her and the life I belonged to as well.

It was a long moment as she looked at me with dull eyes from the vodka she had drunk. She nodded her head in agreement, as if the decision was as effortless for her to make as it was for me to offer. Her simple nod was all I needed to kiss her until there was no air between us, and the only thing I could taste was her.

"Go," she murmured as she pushed me away, shocking me when all I wanted to do was bury myself inside her.

"What?" I asked her in a shocked tone, pulling back far enough to look into her eyes that were glassy from lust and alcohol.

"Go to my place. I want to go to my place," she said in gasps as my hand, which was trapped between her legs, pushed at the lace that was covering where I longed to be. Her request made me smile like the fucking idiot I had become. I pulled my hand away to drive to where she lived without any other thought than this comforting moment was more than perfect, it felt right.

_We were right._

This girl, with her doe eyes and red lips that held too many secrets, was right. She was right in a world where everything about us was wrong. There was nowhere else I should have been in that moment of time than with her.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! Thanks to Bernadette & Tracy for all their hard work on this chapter!**

**Well, it's November and at this moment I have enough chapters of this story stockpiled to make it through the next 5 weeks so this will be the one story that will not stop as I work on NaNoWriMo. I hope you understand as well as wish me luck: ) if you are so interested come find me on Facebook (Mamasutra Hornball) or twitter ( mamasutra73) to find out about my progress on meeting 50,000 words in 30 days.**

**Until next week….**

**Love,**

**Mamasutra**


	16. Chapter 16

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

Bella pulled me closer while whispering go. She was a living contradiction; pulling me in for a kiss while telling me to leave. I didn't want to leave. All I wanted was to taste her and feel her against me, to wrap myself around her and never let her go.

"Promise me always," I whispered against the heated skin of her neck, tasting the salt of her skin mixed with the tang of her perfume. It was horrible of me to demand a promise from her. I was already asking for so much, what was one more promise that she shouldn't make?

"Promise me," I whispered to her. She moaned in response while my hands trailed under her short skirt once more. Instead of teasing her eager pussy, I gripped the sides of her lace panties and slowly tugged them down for more access. I listened to the heavy gasp escape from her lips as the scrap of fabric moved past her knees, tangling around her ankles before I set her free with a sharp tug.

The moment she was bare to me, my fingers sought her out. I moaned into her mouth as she captured my lips for a kiss, just as I felt the dampness and sparse fur of her pussy lips. I wanted to see them swollen and red just for me, but it was impossible, given the darkness of the car and the awkwardness of the position we held in the front seat of my car.

"Next time, I want you spread out before me," I whispered, tracing her lips and parting her flesh to run my fingers over her clit, as she cried out in surprised pleasure. I could feel her, slick and more than ready for me. It was enough to drive me insane - feeling her beneath me, twisting and demanding my attention. She felt so good, almost _too_ good, with her small, soft body curved against mine, cushioning me as I pulled back just enough to undo my pants.

Bella's hands trailed down my chest as I hunched over, unbuttoning my fly before pulling the zipper down slowly. I couldn't stop looking at her face as she watched my hands. She was waiting, biting her lip with anticipation, as if she had been waiting her whole life for this moment. Just seeing her like this - crazed and sexy, ready for me to take her in my car like we were horny teenagers - only added to the moment, while highlighting our desperation under the dim parking lot lights.

"Next time, I want you naked on my bed, spread-eagled as I lick your sweet pussy until you come against my tongue," I whispered, as I pulled my pants down. Bella moaned as if I had touched her, yet I remained hunched over, watching her, letting her see me and how badly I wanted her at that moment. Her hands skirted the waistband of my boxer briefs before tracing the outline of my hard cock, as it strained against the fabric to be free. It was a soft touch, almost teasing, as her fingers trailed over me before circling the damp spot around the head of my cock. Her soft, tentative touch was a far cry from the first time she had touched me, yet it was all I could think of, watching her hand trail over my cock. We had started liked this, with one simple touch.

Without another thought, I pulled my boxers down, letting my cock spring free since I was done thinking. I was done with being good and I had to have her. I grabbed Bella's leg tightly as I pulled it up to my shoulder, while I drove into her with one hard thrust.

"Fuck," I muttered, feeling her wet heat surrounding my cock in a tight embrace that left me teetering on the edge control. Her entire body clenched tightly around me in reaction to my sudden invasion, pulling me into her. I bit at her neck to hold off the urge to come. It was the sweetest hell I had ever endured.

"Edward," she moaned in a low, throaty purr as I stilled inside of her, scared to move since I knew it would take very little for me to come with her wrapped around me so tightly. I bit my lip hard as I fought off the tension centering inside me, telling me how close I was to losing it. It wasn't until I could taste the saltiness of my own blood that I felt some sort of control to move within her.

"Yes, say my name," I whispered to her, urging her to speak to me even though I knew the sound of her voice would only bring this bliss to an end much faster than I wanted.

"I want to hear you say my name," I whispered again, as she shivered in my arms in response to my words. It was the reaction I wanted, the one I never got from anyone but her. Tanya never shivered under my touch or cried for me as I filled her, only Bella. It was only Bella that I wanted to feel shudder in my arms like this because I needed to know I affected her as badly as she did me. I thrust hard inside her, pushing upward while listening to her high-pitched moan as she moved her body against mine.

"Only _my_ name, Bella," I repeated as she cried out, while I tugged on her dress. I wanted to taste her skin and nothing would stop me.

"Oh, my God," she moaned, her hands helping me to free her tits until her dress was nothing more than a scarf around her waist and the only article of clothing left on her body.

I looked down at her as she lay beneath me, on the seat I'd reclined flat for more room. She was beautiful, her dark hair tangled around her head and her eyes half-closed in pleasure. Her breasts bounced with each breath she took as I pushed her hard and fast toward ecstasy, since I wanted to watch her fall apart. I needed to watch as she found her nirvana in our time together.

I watched as her eyes closed and her mouth hung open. Her entire body clenched hard and hot around my cock, as I pushed as deep inside her as I could, while she flooded me with her wetness. It was her velvety heat and low, raspy gasp that I had longed for each time I'd been with Tanya since having touched Bella. Yet, there was something more. It was the feel of her hands upon my body, urging me to please her while touching me just as I needed. It was the dreamy look in her eyes that focused only on me as we became one that was a reminder of how it was never like this with Tanya. There was never that sense of completion that soothed me while setting my soul on fire with Tanya; these overwhelming feelings only belonged to Bella.

"Oh, God," I moaned, feeling my heart ricochet in my chest, pounding out an almost-painful beat. I watched Bella's eyes slowly open, looking at me with such emotion that it made my breathing shudder in response. This was what I'd missed. I'd missed _her _and had never even realized it until this moment. I tried to breathe while watching her become lost to the pleasure I gave her. It was almost enough for me to lose what little control I had over the situation.

"Fuck, you're beautiful like this," I whispered in a voice that didn't even sound like mine, as I pushed deep inside of her. I reveled in the feel of her clenching around me, her hands grabbing my ass hard, scratching me with her need to pull me even deeper. The sensation of her so willing to give me everything I wanted was overwhelming, and left me breathless as I lost myself to her.

There was nothing but the sound of my name on her lips, the pounding of my heart and the wet sounds our bodies made together. I pulled her leg higher in the air, but there was nowhere for it to go, as her foot was firmly pressed against the interior roof of the car. I tried to fight the need to come, but there was no stopping it. It took over my body forcing its way through me with erratic thrusting and blinding pleasure as I finally succumbed.

I collapsed on top of Bella, barely breathing, as she panted in my ear, whispering soft words and promises of being mine. They were all promises that I wanted, yet had no right to. They were sobering with the realization of how far I had let things go and how willing I was to accept what stolen promises she would give me.

I pulled out of her warmth, making her gasp the same way she had when I first entered her, separating us immediately, but it was too late. I had done this. I had acted on it. I'd done exactly what I had set out to do; to prove Tanya wrong, but in the process, I had only proven her right. I'd shown myself that I needed this girl in more ways than I should. While I waited for the crushing guilt, I looked down at Bella and realized that there was no guilt for my broken promises to Tanya. The only guilt came in the form of the small girl beneath me who lay there with her eyes closed, a content smile upon her face. She deserved better than half-assed promises from a man who was in no position to make promises that he couldn't keep.

I reached behind her into my gym bag, and pulled my t-shirt out to wipe myself off with, as I dripped upon her leg. I felt her eyes on me as I looked around, remembering that we were in a parking lot of a popular bar. Anyone could have seen us and that thought was enraging, since seeing Bella in all her glory was something that was for my eyes only. It was selfish, but I was discovering that I could be selfish if it was something that I truly wanted.

"I am so sorry," I whispered apologetically to her. She smiled softly at me like the pleased little kitten she was, but it was no real apology. I wasn't sorry for being with her or for chasing away another man. I wasn't sorry at all.

Bella remained silent, pulling her dress top up while I pulled my pants back on, letting the awkward silence settle between us.

"Take me home," she whispered quietly. I felt a sick sense of doom as I nodded in agreement. I searched for my keys that had long been forgotten, finding them on the dash alongside her panties that she made no move to get. I grabbed the scrap of lace and softly placed them in her lap, unsure about touching her or not, even though we'd just been so intimate.

Bella gave me directions without any further discussion. She was quiet, the stillness between us adding to the tension of the car ride. I followed her directions, making turns here and there until we pulled up in front of a small building that looked more industrial than residential.

"Thanks," she mumbled, trying to open the door, but I had locked them.

"Let me help you," I said, as I watched her turn away from me. She had closed me out, wouldn't even look at me, and knowing that made the ache in my chest flame red hot with hurt.

"No need," she whispered, finally freeing herself by unlocking the door.

"I want to walk you to your door, make sure you're safe," I managed to say sputter nervously, as she continued looking away from me.

"There is no need, Edward," she whispered thickly, stumbling out of the car on unsteady legs while pulling her dress down quickly to cover her exposed ass. She was walking away and I hated that.

"There is _always_ a need," I called out after her, shutting off the car, not caring that I was parked in a tow-away zone. I scrambled to get out of the car to chase after her, not that I had to run very far. Bella was walking slowly as if she were unsure on her feet. She was unsteady from the drinks she'd had prior to leaving with me, as well as from our time in the car.

"Go away," she mumbled as she continued walking, climbing the steps until she was finally at the door.

"No way," I whispered. I watched her swipe her access card to enter the building and breathed a sigh of relief that there was some form of security in the run-down place that she lived in.

"Your car will get towed," she said in a low whisper as we walked the hallway to her door. There was a chance she would be right, but I just needed to see this through for her. I needed to know that I had done one good thing for her, even if it was just walking her to her door.

"I'll take my chances," I replied, just as we finally stopped before a large metal door with the number '4' on it. This was her home. I'd never been here, never had a reason to and, even now, my reason was questionable at best; it was more to ease my guilty conscience than it was for her. She knew it too.

I helped steady her trembling hand as she attempted to unlock her door until finally, together; we were able to get it open. She quickly stepped inside while blocking me just as fast.

"Thanks," she whispered, while looking anywhere but into my eyes. I hated that we were like this, but what I hated even more was that I'd caused this reaction.

"Bella….just…" I stammered, trying to think of something to say, but there was nothing to say. I had wrecked it.

"I'm safe and fine, now go home," she whispered, as I stood there, watching her, unsure of what to do next.

"Bella, please?" I asked her, uncertain what I was even asking. I just knew that if she shut the door on me, we were done. I could feel it in the cold air between us and I couldn't have that. I couldn't lose her even though she wasn't mine to lose. I couldn't stand the thought of not seeing her or talking to her, even though I deserved it.

"Edward… just… just…" she stammered, her eyes darting around me while her face went red.

"I'm going to be sick," she said in a rush of words, before she turned and clattered her way through her apartment toward what had to be the bathroom, knocking everything down in her path to reach it. I followed behind her like the idiot I was since I needed to know she was OK, even though it was clear that she was far from it.

I found Bella on her knees in the tiny bathroom, hunched over the toilet, vomiting with a loud retching sound. I knelt beside her, slowly rubbing her back. I felt her body go rigid under my touch before the next round of retching started until she was finally done. She looked at me with an embarrassed look that I tried to ease away with my touch, but she remained tense. I grabbed the washcloth on the countertop and wet it down with cold water, to clean her face and cool her down since she felt hot beneath my touch.

"Why don't you go lie down and I'll bring you some pain killers," I said in what I hoped was a soothing tone. I could not stop myself as I brushed her long hair away from her face so I could see her better, while swabbing her brow with the cool cloth. Bella made no response, except for a soft sigh, as I held the cloth to her forehead for a moment.

Slowly, she moved to stand once more and whispered, "Sure," before leaving me in the bathroom to find where she kept her pain killers. I opened the medicine cabinet to seek out the pills but instead found makeup and other girly items, as well as Bella's birth control pills. Seeing them sitting there was surprising, even though I knew she was on the pill, I had just never thought about it and that showed my ignorance in this situation.

After finding the pills I had been looking for, I shook a couple into the palm of my hand, before grabbing a small glass of water to bring to her. I walked back down the hall, passing a closed door which had to be her roommate's room, to find Bella in her bedroom. The door was open and Bella was lying across her bed clad in only a t-shirt, since she had stripped off her dress. I could see the hint of her ass cheeks peeking out at me as she lay there. She had passed out waiting for me, so I placed the pills on her nightstand along with the water. They would greet her first thing in the morning and still be my way of taking care of her.

I set the pills down carefully alongside the glass before turning back toward Bella. She was dead to the world asleep, curled up around a pillow on her belly. There was a smile on her lips, as if her dream was exactly what she needed to take the dead look off of her face when she'd tried to leave me behind in the car. It was hard to look at her like this and not be affected by how innocent and how sweet she truly was.

I kneeled down beside her bed, pushing books out of the way to be close enough to her to press a kiss against her cheek as she slept. Her lips curled into a sleepy smile after my kiss, making me want to kiss her again and again just to see that sweet smile.

"I'll be back," I whispered to her, even though she was lost in her dreams. I ran my hand down her bare leg to feel her skin. She sighed under my touch, rolling closer to me. I pressed a kiss against her pouting lips as she slept, since I couldn't resist her lips, before grabbing a blanket to cover her up.

Bella's soft sigh as I kissed her made my heart ache. I needed to leave her. I needed to let her be. She would be moving on to Chicago and I would be left behind to deal with the mess of my marriage. It was only fair to let her be so she could move on without me and the baggage I brought to our time together. I knew as I looked at her sleeping form that there was no way I could do it, while she whispered my name softly in her sleep. I knew I was too weak to do the right thing with her, to let her leave me, now that I had realized all along, _she_ was what had been missing in my life.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! Thanks to Bernadette and Tracy for all their hard work on this chapter.**

** I will be posting a teaser for the next chapter on Facebook under my page Mamasutra Moments for those interested.**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	17. Chapter 17

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

The night passed quickly at Bella's side. I couldn't leave her even though my phone buzzed nonstop like an angry bee, screaming at me in the silence that was Bella's room. I never looked at it, knowing who it was and not interested in anything she had to say.

I listened to her soft breathing and whispered sighs as Bella cuddled closer, wrapping herself around me without even thinking about it. It was as if this was how it was meant to be. The thought made me sad in a way, since I'd never once felt like this with my own wife. It was never this comfortable, or this easy - and that was wrong. Marriage was supposed to be a soft place to land with the comfort of someone who loved you, but that wasn't Tanya and me. We had always prided ourselves on the fact that we were never that couple that needed to be together. We understood that the other had their own interests and ideas. We respected the fact that we weren't clingy, often making fun of those couples that were; but now, looking back, I had to wonder if we were the ones who had it wrong.

Bella stirred against me, yawning and pushing at me, her brown eyes fluttering open. I watched with a slight smile as her eyes went wide, her lush mouth forming a perfect 'O' as she gawked at me.

"Edward," she said in raspy surprise, trying to roll away from me, the blanket tangling around us making it impossible for her to move.

"What the hell…" she said, trailing off while looking around the room as if she was shocked to be here.

"Here," I said, moving so I leaned over her to grab the pain killers and water I had placed on her nightstand last night.

"What are you doing here?" she asked me in a sad tone, pulling the blankets off so she could move. She gave me a glimpse of her soft skin and the bare curve of her hips that I had memorized while she slept, before grabbing the blanket to cover her nakedness once more.

"I stayed because I was worried about you," I confessed, reaching over to brush her hair out of her eyes only to watch her flinch in response. It was that flinch that made my stomach turn. She had never flinched away from my touch before now.

"You need to leave," she said firmly as if she were in control, but I could see the tremor in her hand as she held the glass of water as if it were her lifeline.

"No, I want to stay," I said, as she grimaced and shook her head. I could see the effects of her drinking last night as she closed her eyes, seeming to have regretted her night out. It made me wonder if I made the list of regrets for her as she refused to look at me.

"Edward, you need to go," she said in a sad whisper that hinted at her despair.

"No, Bella. I want to be with you," I said, as she shook her head no again at me while wiping at the tears that had started to fall.

"Edward, I can't do this," she whispered to me as I sat there, trying to touch her, yet she refused to allow me to comfort her.

"We can't do this," she said. I shook my head no. She was wrong. We could.

"We can and…and I want to," I said, as she let out a strangled laugh that hurt to listen to.

"We _can_ do this. I want you, you want me, it's simple Bella," I said, trying to explain the madness that was us together in that moment.

"You're married," she said flatly. I flinched at the dead sound of her voice.

"To a woman who doesn't care. She wants me to be happy and _you_, Bella, make me happy," I said. I tried to pull her close, smiling as I felt her slowly allowing me to touch her once more.

"You make me _so_ happy, Bella. Please don't take that away from me," I pleaded to her softly, as she looked at me with tired, tear-filled eyes. I could see the guilt swimming in them as she looked at me. I hated that I had put it there, but I couldn't stand the idea of not ever having her again.

"You are married and this is... wrong, Edward," she said in a quiet voice that made my heart ache, since I knew I was on the verge of losing her.

"No, it's not. It's _right_. It's _so_ right," I said, willing her to see that we could be together. I could still see the doubt in her eyes. It was that doubt and the fear of losing her that pushed me even further.

"You promised, Bella. You promised to be mine always," I said, watching her eyes go wide for a split second before she looked away, filled with remorse.

"You _promised_ me, Bella," I said, pleading with her in the most diabolical manner. She shook her head and looked away. I knew it was wrong to guilt her, but I would rather be wrong than lose her.

"Edward, I just don't think…" she said in a soft whisper, looking at me with a worried look that made me smile. _This_ was the girl knew. The one who worried all the time, the girl whose smile brightened my day and whose sad eyes could destroy me.

"Then don't," I said, before leaning across the space between us to press a kiss against her soft lips, swallowing her gasp of surprise as I pressed her back into her pillows. Bella stiffened beneath me, but after a minute of kissing her petal-soft lips, she slowly opened them and kissed me back with a fervor that had me aching to be inside her.

I pushed her shirt up to taste her breasts and the dusky rose of her nipples, as she tugged on my boxers until my hard cock sprung free. It was with little effort of shifting her beneath me, as I whispered that she was everything to me, before I was buried to the hilt within her heat. There was no need for foreplay since everything with her was foreplay. She was wet and ready for me as I was for her. It was us and this was our moment.

"Only you," I whispered into her ear, as she clung tightly to me while we rocked together, with me never fully leaving her body.

"Only _you_ do this to me," I whispered as she moaned in response while grinding her hips up to meet mine. Our hands tangled in each other's hair, as I breathed in the scent of her arousal and our sex as it filled the air around us. Bella's high pitched moans and the wet sounds between us as we made love slowly mixed with my own nonsense that I whispered to her, until I felt her fall apart with a gasp of pleasure-filled surprise before I followed right behind her. It was these sultry sounds of our coming together that covered up the angry buzz of another missed phone call from the life I was trying to avoid with the woman who'd set me onto this path with Bella.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! Thanks to Bernadette & Tracy for all their hard work on this chapter.**

**See ya next week!**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	18. Chapter 18

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

"Don't leave," Bella whispered to me in an adorably sleepy voice, as I moved to leave her bed. We had locked ourselves in her room, only leaving the comfort of the bed when necessary.

"I'm going to get us some food," I whispered back, pressing a kiss against her nose. She smiled in response, a silly smile of happiness. It warmed me to know that I'd caused it.

"You're coming back, right?" she asked worriedly. Her tone made me smile as I slipped on my long-forgotten boxers.

"There is nowhere else I want to be than with you," I said. She smiled happily before closing her eyes to rest. She had no idea how much truth I had spoken with those words. I slipped my clothes back on before tying my shoes, as she snuggled under the covers once more.

"You rest, you're going to need it," I whispered in her ear before kissing her neck. She giggled happily and wiggled against me. She was too beautiful like this, all soft and sleepy from sex, smelling like us both combined, curled up in the sheets that held our scent.

"You promise, Professor Cullen?" she asked tauntingly, opening her dark eyes to look at me with a satisfied smirk. I grinned in response – this girl was like sunlight. She warmed me and made me feel alive again. I could only hope that I offered her the same feeling of perfection.

"I promise," I said solemnly. She rolled her eyes in response before pushing me out with instructions to get her a veggie sub with extra hot peppers and a bag of salt and vinegar chips. I tried telling her how serious a promise was to me, but she shooed me out with a flick of her wrist, telling me we would talk later after we'd eaten.

Bella's apartment was silent as I walked out, her keys in hand so I could let myself back in without waking her. It was a soothing silence that my place never had. In my home, silence meant anger, resentment and, most likely retaliation - but not here. In Bella's world, silence was golden and so was my girl.

I walked down the steps of her apartment building to find my car where I had left it. While I was lucky it hadn't been towed, it was covered in tickets - not that I cared. Each fine was worth it since I was able to spend the night at Bella's side. I had just gotten in the car when my phone buzzed again, loud and angry. I looked down at the screen to find Jasper's name beaming at me.

"What's going on?" I asked him casually, starting the car.

"Where the hell are you?" he hissed lowly at me, as if he were trying to keep his voice down.

"What does it matter?" I asked, as I turned the car around to find the sub shop that I knew was Bella's favorite.

"It matters since your wife has called me three times looking for you," he growled, as I heard a door slam behind him loudly.

"I'm sorry," I said, as I drove down the block, not feeling as bad as I knew I should have.

"I told here you were here," he said, yawning tiredly as if Tan had kept him up at last night.

"You shouldn't have," I sighed. He shouldn't have had to lie for me; it was wrong and made him an accomplice to this mess I was living.

"I didn't do it for _you_. I did it for _Bella_. I mean, you _are_ with her, right?" he asked knowingly, as I closed my eyes and realized just how bad this could be for Bella.

"I'll take your silence as a 'yes'," he muttered, before whispering a curse.

"Tanya will make her life hell. She's been doing that all because of you," he said. My first instinct was to deny it, but I knew it was the truth.

"_She's_ the one who brought Bella into our life so that's bullshit," I half-growled in anger because I knew it was true. She was being hard on Bella all because of me, and now her fury would have no end toward my girl. She initially caused all of this, yet hated the fall-out she created.

"Bullshit or not, you were only supposed to _fuck_ her, not _fall _for her," Jasper laughed mockingly, as I cringed in response. He was right. I knew from conversations with Tanya that this thing between Bella and I was supposed to be purely physical, but there was so much more to it than that.

"I bought you some time with Tan. Just be home by dinner since I said you would be home by then, OK?" he said in a warning tone. I knew he was tired of dealing with Tanya; after all, I knew how difficult she could be.

"Thanks, man," I whispered, trying to fathom how I could walk back into my life with Tanya now. I couldn't imagine it. I couldn't see sitting across from her at the dinner table or snuggling during movies. I couldn't picture our everyday life now. Everything was too different and I couldn't see how to make it right again.

"Don't thank me, just do the right thing," he said and then ended the call, leaving me in silence. He was right. No thanks were needed if I did the right thing; unfortunately, I had no idea what the right thing was anymore.

Once I had the food and drink in hand, I drove back to Bella. I needed to see her. It wasn't that I needed the feel-good vibes that she gave; it was the calming factor that she provided. Truly, Bella was like no other.

I parked the car in the lot across the street, walking in with the food and whatever else I thought of to shower on my girl to make her smile. I had decided that making her smile would be a new goal of mine.

"I'm back!" I called out to Bella happily, stepping into her small apartment. I had barely gotten inside when I noticed that Bella was sitting on the couch, clutching her head. Her roommate, a girl I barely knew beyond the fact that her name was Angela, stood across from her with a furious expression.

"You _have_ to be fucking kidding me," she hissed at her, as Bella cringed in response. I watched as the girl stormed out of the room and down the hall until the only sound filling the apartment was the loud boom of her bedroom door slamming shut.

"You OK?" I asked Bella, as she sat there clutching her head, looking upset and somewhat sick.

"Yeah," she whispered softly. I moved to kneel before her. She looked so small sitting there, curled up on the couch as if she were wishing for it to swallow her whole.

"Edward, I need you to go home," she said, looking at me seriously, speaking to me as if I were a child.

"I don't want to leave you like this," I confessed. I looked at her, sick and worried. My words made her smile a little and, while that was encouraging, it wasn't enough to erase the fear slowly creeping up over my heart. She looked up at me with sad eyes.

"I know, but I need you to, so…" she trailed off as she motioned toward her friend's bedroom door. She needed time with her friend, a friend who clearly disapproved of us together. Angela Weber was always a smart girl.

"If that's what you need," I said, trying to hide my disappointment over losing time with her. I took her hands in mine and tried to give her some comfort, even as her touch was comforting me. With one last, lingering kiss, I turned and left, leaving her to deal with her friend.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! Happy Thanksgiving to all my readers in the US! Since it is that time of year (for me at least since I live in the US) I wanted to say thank you for reading my silly stories. You all have made my days brighter and I love you all for that since what is life without happiness?**

**For those interested I post teasers for The Gift on my Facebook page Mamasutra Moments. As always, thanks to Tracy and Bernadette for all their hard work on beta'ing this mess.**

**Until next week,**

**Love,**

**Mamasutra**


	19. Chapter 19

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

I walked into the apartment without announcing my arrival. It didn't matter since Tanya was half-lying on the couch, waiting for me. Her hair was a mess, her eyes red from crying, but I wasn't sure what she was so upset about.

"Where _were_ you?" she asked softly.

"What does it matter?" I responded, kicking off my shoes before turning toward her. The air was thick between us with the anxiety that always seemed to be lingering around.

"I missed you," she said, as I walked past her, unsure of what to do next. I didn't want to be here. I wanted to be anywhere, but here - yet, here I was.

"Tanya, please," I said, entering the kitchen, seeking out something to drink.

"What?" she asked sadly. Her tone made me cringe because I hated to hear how unhappy she sounded. It pulled at my heart and made me sick inside.

"Can't I miss you?" she asked. I shook my head over her ridiculous question, feeling my anger rise up again. "Tanya, you don't get to guilt me over this," I said, scowling as I turned back to her and watched her wipe at the tears that had started to fall.

"_You_ wanted this. _You_ set this in motion and now, just because it's not working out the way you planned, doesn't mean you get to lay all the blame at my feet," I said, trying to keep my temper in check.

"I know I did, but…" she trailed off, stepping closer to me. I felt her arms wrap around me while I stood there stiffly, unsure of what to do since all of this was so foreign. We were never like this. We were always the couple who could work through anything. We were that couple that others were envious of. We were now nothing but a sham.

"Tanya, I just can't…" I said, pulling out of her embrace. I couldn't touch her right now, not when I was still covered in Bella and riding the high of our time together.

"Edward, please?" she asked, pulling me back against her, holding me tightly until I stopped trying to get out of her arms.

"Please, just let me hold you," she whispered, pressing her face into my chest. I could feel her breath, hot and moist, though my shirt as she held on to me too tight. It was overwhelming. It hurt too much and left me feeling as if I were failing Bella somehow by allowing my wife to be this close.

"Don't leave me," she whispered, as I stood there quietly, uncertain as to my response. I wasn't thinking of leaving her at the moment. I hadn't thought that far in advance, but I knew that there was no future left with her.

The night passed slowly as Tanya held on to me, not letting me leave her for more than a moment. While I should have been strong enough to pull away, I couldn't because of the infinite sadness that surrounded us as we sat together on the couch, holding on to what we had with both hands.

"I want to go to Chicago with you," she said quietly, stunning me. This was new and different; it was Tanya's last stand to keep us together.

"I don't know," I whispered back; no matter how many times I thought of Chicago, I never saw her at my side there. I would always picture Bella, in her bright red winter jacket and warm smile.

"Don't do this, Edward" she said tightly, her voice hinting at tears. Those tears hurt and infuriated me.

"Don't act like this is _my_ doing," I growled, feeling her squeeze me tighter against her.

"You were with _her_ weren't you?" she asked, as I stilled in her arms.

"It's OK. I know you were, I saw your car there," she explained. I remained silent, waiting for her response; every other time she knew I was with Bella, she would swing back and forth between happiness and rage.

"I'm OK with it. I mean, I wouldn't pick her, but you have. If that's what makes you happy, then so am I," she said calmly, but I could hear the defeat in her voice. This was fucking madness. I needed to leave her and this place.

"Tanya, I don't think I can do this anymore," I said, turning to look at her. She needed to understand that this was over, _we_ were over.

"Don't say that," she whispered, shaking her head.

"It's us against the world, remember, baby?" she asked. I shook my head, even though I did remember. This was what we would say when others disapproved of our being together, but that was a lifetime ago before all this bullshit and Bella. It was a million years ago when all that mattered was that Tanya was at my side. Now, everything was different; she was different, I was different. We wanted different things and she refused to see it.

"Tan, I think we should end this, end us," I said softly, standing before her as she curled into a ball.

"You can't mean that," she said, as she looked at me with pleading eyes.

"My Edward would never give up on us," she said, waiting for me to reassure her that I was still her Edward, but I couldn't.

"I just think we need some time apart to sort this out," I said, trying to ease her into the idea of ending our marriage, as it was clear Tanya was in no mood to discuss this rationally.

"Where are you going?" she asked, leaving her sitting there as I went to pack some of my things. I knew she was thinking that I would go be with Bella, but I wouldn't burden Bella with this. I didn't want Bella to ever think that she was some rebound relationship when she was so much more than that.

"My parents' house. I'll stay with them until I can find something else," I said, running a hand through my hair nervously, as I looked around at what had been our place. I felt like I should have been sadder, more broken, but I wasn't - that thought alone made me sad. I should have felt worse about walking away from my marriage and my wife. I should have felt _something,_ but I didn't - and it was all too telling for me.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! Thanks as always to Tracy & Bernadette my making words pretty. **

**Come check my teasers, posting of updates of my other stories, sometimes plot ideas and other nonsense on my facebook page Mamasutra Moments. I will be posting a teaser for ch 20 by Saturday there.**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	20. Chapter 20

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

The move to my parents was easier than that what I thought it would be. They accepted in without question and that was a rare thing coming from my father. He just shook his head and remained silent which was refreshing change from the _I told you so_ attitude he typically displayed.

The days passed and as they did it became easier to let Tanya go. We rarely spoke and when we did it was just in passing followed by her questioning when I would come home. She didn't understand that I had no plans of coming home at all.

When I wasn't a work I was with Bella. She made it easier to be comfortable once more. She didn't question me about Tanya or my marriage even though I knew she wanted to. Instead, she just held my hand when I was silent, laughed with me when I was happy and loved me every chance she got. It was easy and that scared me since never before have anything been so easy with another person. Bella was just everything and I could not get enough of her.

"What are you thinking about?" she asked me as she curled around me on her couch whiel we watched some movie that I barely paid attention to.

"You," I replied and then grinned as her face flamed red in embarrassment. She was so cute like this as she blushed for me. It made my heart race knowing that I had that effect on her.

"What about me?" she asked with a teasing grin as she crawled upon my lap to sit straddling me, knowing that her being that close was always my undoing.

My hands steadied her hips as her hands rested on my stomach. It was innocent and intimate all at once. I looked into her dark brown eyes and found myself holding my breath as the intensity of what I found there tried to steal the air from my lungs.

Bella was a beautiful girl, but somehow in moments like these; those every day moments, she would somehow transform into so much more. It was as if everything that she was would overwhelm me, robbing me of reason and the ability to think as I looked at her pretty face while fighting off the urge to tell her how I felt about her.

"You are just…everything," I said flatly as she giggled in response since that was the answer I always gave her instead of the one that burned on the tip of my tongue like a white hot coal.

"Professor Cullen, you have such a way with words," she teased me before leaning down to capture my lips with her. It was a sweet kiss that was laced with want as her fingers threaded through my hair, tangling them until she was pulling on it. The pain pleasure sensation of it all made me groan into her mouth as she held me tight.

This was how we were together; pulling tugging, claiming, marking. It wasn't enough just to kiss. It had to be more. It had been consuming and maybe that was because what we had was consuming.

"Edward," she whispered against my lips in s soft throaty moan that went straight to my cock as she pulled back just far enough to gaze at me with her lust glazed eyes. It was the look in her eyes that made me want to know all her secrets even if I was the biggest one she had at the moment since I knew she hadn't told her father about me since he wouldn't approve that she was with a married man.

"Stay with me tonight?" she asked me in a sweet whisper, as if I would ever tell her no.

"Of course," I whispered back before pulling her back to me while rocking my hips against hers just to hear her moan. It was favorite sound in the world outside of her calling my name.

Bella quickly leaned into our kiss and soon we were a tangled mess of half discarded clothes over heated skin. We were twisted around each other tightly not caring that we were in the middle of her apartment where her roommate could walk in on us at any moment or the fact that I was far from being a free man even though my ring was gone.

Bella shifted against me, slipping to the side while pulling my pants down. Her own panties had long been removed with her skirt bunched around her waist as she struggled to free me from my pants while I continued to kiss her every revealed piece of skin that I could. It was a struggle, a fight for control until she finally slid down my cock with a low moan, taking me inside of her as her hands found purchase in my hair once more while I focused on the perfection that always came with this moment. The feeling of my heart being so full that it burst for this girl as she whispered every sweet and sexy fantasy in my ear while riding me so slowly that it almost hurt from the pleasure she created. It was always in these moments that I found myself biting back the need of release while swallowing those three words that threatened to spill off my tongue to her until I could not breathe. It was only then that I lost it, coming hard with a moan of her name as she followed me with a hard shudder in my arms before collapsing on top of me.

I was still pressing kisses against her when my phone chimes, alerting me of a phone call. It was the phone call I had been avoiding for weeks now, but with Bella still wrapped around me I felt I could speak to her. I pulled Bella off of me with a groan only to have her curl up at my side as I grabbed my phone without bothering to pull my pants all the way up.

"Edward?" I heard Tanya's frantic voice on the other end greet me as I pressed a kiss against Bella's forehead.

"Yes," I said with a sigh as I thought about the last time I had spoken to my wife.

_"I want a divorce, Tan," I said firmly as I thought about the girl who was waiting for me at my office. She was all smiles and soft kisses._

_ "You promise me counseling," she countered back as I rolled my eyes in response. We were beyond counseling and she knew it._

"Edward?" she asked again in a panicked tone as I moved slightly since this wasn't like her.

"What's wrong?" I asked as I felt the ice cold dread wash over me as I listened to her soft giggle. It was off. She sounded off and that was never Tanya.

"I love you," she whispered with a giggle as I looked at Bella who was watching me with a nervous look as I felt the knot in my stomach tighten.

"Come find me, Edward," she whispered to me in an alluring tone that used to do set me on fire, but now all it did was make me sick.

"Where are you? Is something wrong?" I asked her, not bothering to respond to her ridiculous statement as the background noise went silent as if she had moved away from whatever party was surrounding her.

"I want to go home, Edward. Please take me home," she whispered in a tone I knew all too well. She was scared I could hear it. I could almost feel it as she breathed into the receiver.

"Where are you, Tan?" I asked her in a panicked tone as I thought of every crack pot and fucking lunatic that filled the so called open relationship fucked up community that she had joined.

"I'm at Jason's house," she said with a sigh just as I heard a man in the back ground speak to her with a laugh before the line went dead.

"Wait!" I yelled into the phone as a sick feeling of helplessness washed over. She was at Jason Jenks house, the same professor that started Tanya on her quest for so called enlightenment with multiple parents and other bullshit that was out of the realm of possibility. The same man that students whispered about when it came to wild parties involving sex and drugs to _open_ _your mind to the_ _possibilities_ or whatever bullshit he was pushing.

"What's wrong?" I heard Bella ask me in a nervous tone that was muffled as she pulled her shirt back on over her head. I hated what I was about to do since it went against everything that I had told Bella, yet I didn't feel like I had any choice in the matter. Tanya needed me and since she had no one else to call to come help her, I would have to do it.

"It was Tanya," I replied with a tight smile as I watched my girl's face fall a little just by mentioning Tan's name.

"She didn't sound right," I said as I pulled my pants up, covering myself properly as I watched Bella fidget on the couch beside me. She was nervous, but she had no reason to be. I would come back to her. Bella was home to me.

"She was over at Jenks' house," I said and then watched Bella look at me with a guarded look while nodding her head. She knew more about Tanya's comings and goings than what I ever did.

"I have to…" I stammered as I stood up, feeling compelled to do something. I may want to end my marriage, but that that didn't mean I had stopped caring about her, since I hadn't. She had been a part of my life for too long for that cold dismissal.

"I don't want you to. She's been there before, and I have no doubt that she's fine," Bella said in a fiery tone as she watched me with eyes as black as the night. She was furious as she looked at me, demanding that I do what she considers the right thing.

"She was scared," I countered back a bit harsher than what was needed, as she rolled her eyes in response.

"Sure, she was. I mean, I could see why she would be scared when she's passed around there every weekend," she mocked as I looked at her in surprise. I hadn't thought about what Tanya would be doing there or how many men she had been with in my place.

"She's only calling you because she knows you're with me," she said as I continued to look at her as if she had lost her mind, even though chances were she was right.

"She heard Angela and me talking. She knew you were spending the weekend here so of course she called," Bella continued on as if it was the most obvious thing ever, and she probably was right, but I wasn't sure if I could live with myself if she was wrong. What if Tanya really did need help and I never showed up? Could I live with myself? I knew the answer to that question and I hated it.

"I'll be back, I promise," I said as I pulled her up to standing so I could embrace her. She was small and warm in my arms. She didn't fight me, but she didn't hug me back.

"You know it's always you, right?" I asked her, trying to reassure her while repeating the words her and I had come to say to each other in place of I love you since neither one of us had had made that move yet. I wanted to make that move. I wanted to shake her silly and tell her every moment that I loved her. The words hovered in the air between us while burning on the tip of my tongue. They were the unseen force in the room between us and the weight on my chest whenever I had to leave her side.

"I know," she whispered before pressing a kiss against my lips as she stepped away from me. It was a cold kiss that hinted at a good bye.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! Teaser for ch 21 will be posted on my face book page for those interested.**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	21. Chapter 21

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

I drove through the quiet city streets crossing neighborhoods until I was in the more upscale north shore area. I was an area I was familiar with since my parents lived only miles away. As I drove my mind raced over what was going on with Tanya. I knew she was going forward with her plans of enlightenment. It was all the talk at the staff meeting and the only thing that Jasper could talk about whenever there was a pause in conversation between us. He was curious as to why I hadn't filed for divorce and honestly I had no answer for that.

I couldn't tell you why I hadn't filed. Maybe I was scared. Maybe I was clinging to the idea that maybe, just maybe the Tanya that I had fallen in love with would return to me and we could go back to what had been our life. These were fleeting hopes since I knew there was no going back. Bella had changed it all and while I longed for an easier time, I could not imagine my life without the girl. She was my everything.

It was Bella who helped me as I sorted out what my next step would be. She never pressured. She never pushed. She never told me what to do or what she would do. She would only ask me if what I had decided would make me happy since the only real important thing in life was happiness. It was with her that I had decided to take the leap of faith to end my marriage with Tanya even if she wasn't aware of my plans just yet. It was all her and her constant care.

I pulled up in front of the elaborate looking house that had cars filling the driveway and littering the street around it. Every light was on, shining bright from the windows, yet it had sinister look about it since I knew what was going on inside of there. I knew it was one of the swinger parties that Tanya had demanded that I attend and never did.

I parked the car and made the long walk up the drive until I reached the front door. I knocked only to discover that the door was open and a strange man who was shirtless greeted me by inviting me in. I didn't recognize him and for that I was thankful since seeing anyone from the university was the last thing I wanted.

"You can place your keys in the bowl over there," he man directed me as he motioned towards a large crystal bowl that held some keys.

"We'll be drawing again in another hour," he continued on with a grin that was too bright to be discussing partner swapping as my stomach twisted with nerves as I stared at him, unsure of how to respond outside of nodding my head as I walked away.

I entered the front room to find people in different states of undress. There were couples tangled together on a couch kissing while at the other end a woman was riding a man's cock as the room watched with appreciation for the act. It was disturbingly calm and civilized as if everyone was waiting their turn for the next person. It left me feeling cold inside as I watched the people chat mindlessly while others fucked as if it nothing.

I walked out of the room quickly, feeling a surge of panic as I thought about Tanya in this crowd. She was here. I knew she was here, yet as I searched the rooms looking for her in amongst the couples that were lost to lust and nameless sex she was nowhere to be found as I opened door after door in the hallway I was walking down.

It was the last door on the left and as I approached it the sounds became familiar. I knew that low moan. I knew it all too well and just hearing it caused my stomach to twist into a hard knot. I reached for the door handle while taking a deep breath before twisting it slowly to open it.

The room was dark, with the only light being the flicking of the small candles that seemed to cover the hard surfaces of the room. Their limited lights caused shadows to fill the dark room, yet the darkness wasn't enough to mask what was occurring in the room as the door opened.

I slowly stepped closer and was greeted by the scent of sex. It was warm and sickening, causing my stomach to knot even tighter as I looked at the bed to determine if it was Tanya in the middle of the tangled flesh that strained together as I watched a man hip's piston against a woman's back side while another person lay beneath them. It was an odd scene and resulted in me needing a moment to digest what was occurring there.

"Yes," I heard the low hiss come from the woman, just as she arched upward while the man behind her pulled her upright. His hands roamed over her sweat slick skin, cupping her breasts while tweaking her nipples before moving her hair out of the way to reveal the woman's face, but I didn't need to see her face to know that it was my wife. It was Tanya who was being fucked like some rag doll while another woman's face was buried between her legs lapping at her with wet suction sounds. It was beautiful in the way their bodies moved in tandem, but I could not get beyond the horror of it since it was my wife in the middle of such a lewd display. I was only to watch for another second just as Tanya's back arched hard while she cried out in ecstasy while holding the woman's head between her legs while the man grunted and shook behind her. It was too much to take and with that I turned to leave the sick scene behind me, regretting that I had ever witnessed such an act.

I stumbled backwards into the dark hallway, swallowing back the bile that had risen in my throat just as I crashed into a picture frame, causing it to fall off the wall with a loud bang before the glass shattered around me. Immediately there were people everywhere, staring at me while I stood there amongst the broken picture frame and shattered glass, but it wasn't their eyes that I focused on, instead it was the glassy blue eyes that I used to know as well as my own. I watched Tanya as she stood brazenly in the bedroom doorway, naked and oddly unaffected by my arrival. She gave me a quizzical look before grinning at me like a damn fool just as she was pulled back into the room by the thick arm of some faceless man. I felt the sick knot in my stomach dissolve fire and disgust took its place while I realized for the first time that I truly hated her.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" I yelled after her as she giggled while being pulled away. Rage burned me a live while I chased after her back into the bed room I had walked into. I found her wrapped up in the arms of a boy that I recognized as one of her students while rubbing the head of some girl as if she was her pet.

"Oh, Edward," Tanya cooed in a taunting manner as I stood there, watching my wife as she curled her naked body around the boy.

"I'm so glad you could make it," she said with a giggle that was too bright to be normal.

"You called me. You demanded that I come find you," I growled in anger as I glared at her, trying to figure out what was wrong with her out side of the obvious.

"I didn't need you to come find me. I wanted you to come join me," she giggled in an almost drunken manner as I glared at her while the boy caressed her skin in an almost loving manner. It was his gentle touch that caused me to actually look at the boy. I couldn't remember his name, but I knew him. I had seen him at Tanya's office before. He was one of her so called followers as I had dubbed them. The men in her class that chased after her, the same ones that Tanya had always promised me never meant anything to her.

"What are you doing?" I demanded in a weak voice as I watched her turn and kiss the girl in a loving manner just as the boy's hand slipped between her legs as if I was not standing there watching him touch my wife.

"I'm loving the people who love me," Tanya whispered against the girl's lips before moaning in response to the girl nipping at her lips in return.

"You don't love me anymore," she giggled softly, but I could hear the hurt in her tone that broke my heart.

"That's not true," I said, but even I didn't believe my lie.

"It is," she said in a low whisper as she pushed the boy off of her to face me alone, but there was nothing left to face. She was right. I didn't love her, not like I had. Maybe I had never loved her like that. Maybe it was always sex and knowing that I was free to do as I pleased. Maybe it was the comfort of being with someone while never truly being together. I didn't know; I just knew that I didn't love her that way and I could never be a part of this world that she wanted.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! Thanks to Tracy for beta'ing this mess. I have since tweaked with it so any lingering mistakes are all mine.**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	22. Chapter 22

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

The images of Tanya with another man swirled through my head as drove. I finally pulled over when I was far enough away from the so called party. I swung open my car door just as I could not contain the bile that had been rising up the back of my throat ever since seeing Tanya tangled on the bed with two others.

I heaved, purging me of what little had been in my stomach, until there was nothing left to throw up. I slumped back into my car seat and tried to catch my breath as I closed my eyes. I could still see her on the bed with other men, and the image of it made me ill. It made me wonder how she could have been possibly ok with watching me with Bella. It was a mystery to me. I could not stand to see her with another even though our marriage was over. I could not handle seeing another man touch her, so how she could sit through me and Bella with her heart intact, I had no idea. The only think I did know for sure was that I was done. I could not live that lifestyle, and because of it, we were over, but maybe we had been over long before I realized it. Maybe we had never been.

After leaving the house, I called Bella. I needed to hear her voice just to set things right for me once more, but my call went straight to voice mail.

_Hi! This is Bella_ _leave a message!_

I knew she was upset, so I let it be to give her space. I knew her well enough, that she would want that, so instead of going back to her I made the drive back to my parent's house.

"Hey baby," I said as I drove along wishing it was her that I was talking to instead the machine that was recording my message.

"I just wanted to tell you that I'm ok so," I stammered as I tried to think about what I wanted to tell her; what I needed to tell her, but none of it felt right.

"I guess I will just talk to you later," I said with a sigh as I ended the call with a whispered good bye. It wasn't enough, but it was the best I could I do.

The next morning, I made quick work of calling Jason Jenks, my father's attorney, to start the divorce process. A process that was long overdue according to my father since he was far from quiet about my announcement that my marriage was over.

"What happened?" mom asked me with concerned eyes as she sat with me in silence after showing my father out for gloating over my failure.

"I just…" I started to say, but stopped as I tried to think of how I could explain this to her without telling her the details of what truly had happened.

"I just realized that Tanya and I want different things," I said with a sigh as she nodded her head as if she understood.

"I'm sorry, baby," she whispered to me as she rubbed my hand in hers just like she used to when I was a child.

It took a few days to get into see Jason and in the mean time I tried to call Bella. I needed her to know that everything was fine and I was fine. I wanted to make sure she was fine as well since it was unlike her not to call me, but I never reached her no matter what time I called her. It was odd, but I explained it away that she had been angry when I left her that night and now was most likely dealing with an enraged Tanya at the campus.

_Hi! This is Bella leave a message!_

"Baby, please call me back. I need to know you're ok and this silence is killing me," I whispered into the phone as I lay in the darkness of my childhood bedroom. I stayed up waiting for her phone call, but it never came.

In the morning I was dressed and on my way to see Jason to get started on my divorce. Just thinking about divorce and life without Tanya was a strange concept since she had always been there. It was that thought that I carried with me into the office to start the end of what had been us.

"Edward," Jason called out to me as he stood up from behind his desk to shake my hand. I had known Jason for years and never once did I think that I would be using his services to end my marriage.

"Jason," I greeted him with a firm handshake before sitting down across from him.

"Well, I'm sorry to hear about you and Tanya," he said as he shuffled the papers on his desk.

"Yeah, me too," I said uncomfortably. I had taken to saying that in response to everyone who heard about our separation.

"Well, I don't think this will be all that bad since there is no property to divide and no children to work out support for," he said as he began typing on the computer before continuing on. I listened to him prattle on about spousal support that I refused, and how we would divide our bills. He made it sound simple, and I wanted to believe that it would be.

"Don't worry about this. I will file the proper forms and notify Tanya's attorney as well," he assured me as I stood up to leave him to his job, but how could I not worry? I shook his hand and left him to do as he needed to make this happen.

I made it back to campus with all my thoughts centering on Bella. It had been days since she had spoken to me, days since I had seen her last, days since I had last tasted her skin. I missed her. It was more than just missing her next to me. I missed her laughter and how bright she made the world.

I crossed campus and headed towards where Bella would be. It was one in the afternoon, so I knew she would be teaching a large class of freshmen. It was her favorite class and watching her talk with the students always made me smile since she was lively, so passionate as she spoke that she was breathtaking. I looked in the large classroom and found another dark haired girl with glasses teaching instead of my Bella. It was odd, but not out of the ordinary, since I knew she had the chance to switch classes if need be.

I grabbed my phone hoping to ease the ache that missing the girl caused inside of me by calling her.

_Hi! This is Bella leave a message!_

"Just me again," I sighed into the phone as I looked towards the classroom where she should have been.

"I'm just missing you," I whispered to her, hoping that it didn't sound too needy even though I knew it did.

"Call me," I whispered as I turned to leave the building to go to my office empty handed and missing a girl who was nowhere to be found.

I crossed the empty quad, glancing back towards the tree that I had dubbed Bella's tree in hopes that she would be there, but no such luck. She was just gone.

The days passed, and as they did, Bella was nowhere to be found. She became a ghost that haunted me. I would look for her on campus, never to find her. I would see a glimpse of her out of the corner of my eye only to discover that it was some other brunette. I would call her only to have the call go to voice mail until one day it didn't. I called her number and was greeted with the high pitched tone that rang in my ears followed by a short message.

_You have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service. If you feel you have reached this message in error please check the number and try your call again._

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! Thanks to my dear Tracy for her amazing work on correcting my lack of commas. I will place the disclaimer of saying all lingering mistakes are mine since when I got the chapter back I tinkered with it by adding more so there is a small section unbeta'd. Sorry.**

**I should be back to the weekly posting and will post a teaser in a few days on my FB page.**

**A belated Happy Holidays to you all! I hope it was great! Happy New Year to you! May be it be filled with wealth, health and happiness beyond your dreams!**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	23. Chapter 23

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

The sound of the dial tone filled my ears as I tried to reason over what was going on. Bella had disconnected her phone, and that made no sense at all. She wasn't one who made rash decisions or had crazed, knee jerk responses, yet here I sat without a means of contacting her.

I stood up and tucked my phone in my pocket before walking back across campus to my car. I was on mission. I needed to find her to find out what the hell she was thinking.

"Edward!" I heard someone call out to me, only to turn to find Jasper jogging to catch up to me.

"What the hell is going on?" he asked me as I continued to walk, ignoring him as I went on my way.

"I need to find Bella," I said as I turned to face him just in time to watch him roll his eyes in response.

"You can go fuck yourself," I said as I turned back to ignore him.

"Jesus, get a damn grip," I heard him call out to me as he ran to catch up until he was at my side.

"You need to calm the fuck down," he growled at me in frustration.

"Do you really think chasing after the girl is the best idea?" he asked me as I looked at him with disbelief. He had no idea about her-or me for that matter.

"I just think…" I started to say but stopped since I wasn't sure what I thought; I just knew I needed to find her. It was killing me slowly, not knowing what the hell was going on.

"You aren't thinking, Edward," Jasper said. I shoved him away from me when I finally reaching the parking lot. In some ways, he was right; I wasn't thinking, but it didn't matter. I was too focused on what I wanted and what I needed, in that moment, was Bella.

I drove across town to her apartment. I could see her car in the parking lot, telling me she was there, and just the sight of it made the tightness in my chest ease a little. I parked the car and thought of how all of this was probably a mistake since avoiding phone calls was not something my Bella did. My Bella answered her phone and whispered sweet words in my ear. My Bella knew that I needed her, even if it was just hearing her voice to know that she was close by.

I half jogged up to the building and was able to get in as another tenant walked out, leaving the door open for me. I slipped in behind him with a nod of thanks.

She was here.

She was here.

She was here.

My heart was thundering in my chest as I approached her door. I stood there for a moment and tried to catch my breath, but I couldn't because I could hear her on the other side.

"I know, Dad." I heard her say with a tired sigh that made my stomach twist with nerves.

"I will call you once I get there," she said as I stood there waiting for the right moment to knock.

"Yeah, Felix is picking me up at the airport," she said, and as soon as I heard the muffled word _airport,_ I could not stop myself from pounding on her door. Airport? Why was she going to the airport? There was no reason to leave, and the thought of her leaving made the ache in my chest intensify. She couldn't leave, not now, not now that I had her.

The door jerked opened hard and fast as if Bella was expecting someone, but the startled expression that she tried to mask with a sick grin told me that it wasn't me.

"Let me call you back," she said with a nervous tone that made her father question if she was alright, but she ignored him, instead focusing on me as she clicked end on the call.

"You're alive," I said as I looked at her for the first time in over a week. She looked tired and nervous as she stood before me in her black yoga pants and t-shirt that showed off her perky breasts that were free from her confining bra, just like she enjoyed. She looked beautiful and shockingly young with her dark hair pulled back into a sloppy ponytail that she twirled nervously between her fingers.

"What are you doing here?" she asked me in a quiet voice as she looked at me with an expression that was almost cold and detached.

"What am I doing here?" I asked her with a laugh to mask my anger as I stood in the empty cold hallway, waiting for her invite me, yet she refused to step aside. Her eyes told me that I was not a welcomed sight, and that left me feeling sick as I watched the girl I had come to count on to brighten my day.

"I was worried about you," I said as I watched her expression soften for a moment before the icy look of disinterest settled over her features once more.

"Well, I'm ok so you can go on home now," she said as she turned to shut the door on me, not caring that I was standing there, waiting for something more than the disregard that she was giving me.

"What the hell is going on here, Bella?" I asked her, almost scared to actually know what was going on just by her cold demeanor.

"Edward," she practically sighed as if I standing there was draining the life out of her. I watched as she leaned against the door jam, not moving, yet not telling me anything.

"I've called you," I said stupidly as I waited for a response that she never gave.

"What's going on with your phone?" I asked as I watched her eyes look away from mine. It was a guilty look that I knew all too well from this girl.

"I got a new number," she said quietly as she looked away without any further explanation.

"I can see that, but why?" I asked her as she started to laugh at me. It was a low mocking laughter that cut to the soul and enraged me as I waited for something other than her sarcastic laughter.

"I'm leaving Edward," she said with a shake of her head as if she could not believe me or my rage over her bitchy attitude.

"You're leaving?" I asked, feeling sick as I watched her nod her head slowly, as if I were a child.

"Don't act too surprised," she said as she looked at me with sad eyes.

"You knew I was leaving. I told you, remember?" she asked as I watched her fidget back and forth in front of me. I did remember. I remembered celebrating with her while telling her how badly I would need her.

"I thought you had decided to stay," I whispered as I watched her shake her head no at me. He eyes were dark as she held my gaze, as if she was willing me to understand.

"Why would I stay?" she asked me in a calm voice that hurt more than any bitchy comment or mocking laughter she had greeted me with ever could since it was telling. She truly didn't understand that I needed her.

"For me," I whispered to her as I stepped closer to her only to watch her step away.

"Edward, I can't do that, and you know it," she said in a resigned tone that hurt my heart.

"My education is all that I have. It's important me, and I have taken too many risk…" she began to say, but I stopped her.

"More important than me?" I demanded in hurt tone as I watched her pale for moment before taking a deep breath to continue on.

"You are being unfair," she said in a quiet voice as she looked at me with deep soulful eyes that had haunted my dreams.

"I'm being unfair?" I asked as I felt my anger rage on when I realized that she was unmoved by my question.

"You're the one who closed me out, refused my calls, and then changed her damn phone number just to avoid me, so don't fucking tell me how unfair I'm being," I growled at her as she flinched in response. It was the first reaction that I truly seen from her since appearing at her door, yet it wasn't the reaction I wanted.

"You're married, Edward. You're a married man, and I am… I am… I am wrong," she stammered on as she looked at me, showing me her weakness as she looked at me with glassy eyes filled with tears.

"Not for long. I filed for divorce," I said with a crazed grin, hoping like hell that this would ease her need to walk away.

"You want her. You still go to her. You worry about her," Bella continued on as if I hadn't spoken those words to her.

"I don't want to be second best any more. I deserve to be someone's first choice, and this… us… we 're wrong, and I don't want to be that girl," she said as she continued on in a rambling fashion that hurt as she looked at me with wild eyes.

"You are not second best. You are everything," I said, encouraging her to listen to me, but she just shook her head no once more.

"It doesn't matter. We can't do this anymore. I won't be part of this anymore. It was wrong, and I only did it to be close to you, but it was wrong, so fucking wrong…" She stammered as she backed away from me, putting space between us as I tried to pull her into an embrace but was greeted with the cold air that surrounded us.

"No, Bella, please," I whispered as I stepped closer once more only to watch her step back.

"We are not wrong. You're the only right thing in my life," I said as I took hold of her cold hand in mine, holding it over my heart as she stared at me with wide eyes that were filled with emotion.

"Do you feel that?" I asked her as I pressed her palm against my chest, letting her feel how it hammered against my ribs.

"Only you do that to me," I whispered as she stood there, unmoving, yet miles away from me.

"I love you, Bella," I whispered those words that she had refused me from saying countless times before and then watched her close her eyes slowly as if my words wounded her.

I listened as she took in a ragged breath before wiping at the stray tears that had fallen down her cheeks before opening her eyes to look at me once more. I expected to see warmth and gratitude, but instead I was greeted with cold fury.

"No, you don't," she said in a slow whisper that felt like ice across my skin.

"You love fucking me," she said as she looked at me uttering back the words I had whispered into her ear the countless times that I had been inside of her.

"And that's just not enough," she finished with a sigh as I shook my head no over her claim, even though it was true. I did love being with her, but that wasn't the only thing.

"I do love you," I said fiercely as she rolled her eyes in response to my declaration once more.

"You don't even know me," she whispered in a husky voice that was laced with hurt.

"I do know you. I know you're beautiful, and you love psychology," I said as she looked at me with a horrified expression before clearing her throat to speak once more.

"When is my birthday?" she asked me in a soft whisper as I stared at her dumbfounded since I didn't know.

"Where am I from?" she asked me, not allowing me time to answer her first question, as I realized I didn't know if she was from the area or not.

"What is my brother's name?" she asked me as I stared her, shocked to know that she had brother when I had always believed her to be an only child.

"What's my favorite color?" she asked me with hard eyes that were wet from unshed tears before laughing hysterically as if she had lost her mind, but the truth was, it was I who was lost here.

"Green. You're favorite color is green," I sputtered as she shook her head no before whispering pink.

"You don't even know me, so how can you love me?" she asked me in a sad tone as I shook my head at her, but she was right. I didn't know her, but that didn't stop me from loving her all the same.

"I don't need to know you to love you," I pleaded stupidly with her as she gave me the sweetest bittersweet smile that broke my heart.

"Edward, this has gone on long enough," she said as she looked at me with wide brown eyes that were too wise for her age.

"And I can't continue to waste my time and energy waiting on you," she said as I watched her grab at the door before shutting it on me without allowing me another word spoken.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! We are in the home stretch folks…..**

**Thanks to Tracy for all her hard work and kind corrections to the hot mess that I have written here. She is awesome and the reason you are reading this earlier than what I had planned : )**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	24. Chapter 24

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

I stood outside of Bella's apartment for what seemed like an eternity, waiting for her to realize that this was wrong, us, but us being apart was wrong. I waited, but the door never opened and when it did it was only her roommate, Angela, who told me if I didn't leave she would call the cops. I walked away from her without another word since what was there left to say?

I made it back to my car and got in to sit there in the silence. She was right. I didn't know her and that hurt. I knew we had had conversation after conversation. I had told her about my childhood and my friends. I had told her about how I had met Tanya and how my father hated her. I had told her everything and yet I had nothing about her. I thought back to each time we spoke over coffee and it left me wondering if she ever told me anything about her at all.

By the time I had driven back the campus for my evening class I was firmly convinced that she had never spoken a word about herself and that hurt me somehow.

"So, how did it go?" Jasper asked me as I slammed the door to our shared office behind me. I kicked his bag out of the way as I made my way to my chair to sit down.

"That good, huh?" he chuckled as I ignored him.

"Man, I gotta ask, what made you think that this would be ok?" he asked me with a sigh as I turned to look at him with a scowl that made him shake his head at me again.

"She's leaving," I said as he looked at me as if he was waiting for more than just that.

"Yeah?" he asked, urging me to tell him the rest of her crimes.

"We're wrong. I love Tanya and she's going, so fuck off," I recapped the conversation with Bella for my friend who stared at me as if I had lost my damn mind.

"Well…" he began to say, but I stopped him.

"Of course I still love Tanya. We've been together forever and I can't just turn those feelings off," I said while he rolled his eyes in response.

"Dude, are you sure you want this divorce?" he asked me as I scoffed over his question.

"Yes I'm sure. I can't live in the lifestyle she wants," I said as he watched me with a grim expression.

"But if she gave up the lifestyle would you be leaving?" he asked in firm tone as I looked away. Would I leave her if not?

"Probably not," I admitted as he shook his head at me.

"Have you told Tanya that? I mean, is the life style something she's willing to give up to be with you?" he asked me in a serious voice that surprised me sine Jasper was rarely serious.

"I don't know," I sighed as I turned to look out the window to gaze at the tree that would forever be Bella's to me.

"You ever think that Bella knew this? I mean, she's a smart girl and if I can see it then I bet she could too," he said as he stood up to grab his bag off the off from where I had kicked it.

"What do you mean if you can see it?" I demanded since never once had Jasper and I ever discuss the idea of my marriage and divorce together. He wasn't one to be emotional. He couldn't do it without some sick dick joke or something.

"What I mean is…" he said with a sigh as I waited for him.

"Do you remember when I went to lunch with you and Bella?" he asked me as I nodded. I remembered the day. He was there and we invited him to sit with us. He barely spoke, opting instead to stare at my girl like the creepy old man he was becoming.

"Man, all you did was talk about Tanya and whenever I asked about Bella's life you changed the subject," he said as he rubbed his chin a thoughtful manner while I gawked at him.

"I did not!" I hissed at him in anger. He was wrong. I never did that. I would not have done that to Bella. I would not have behaved that way.

"You did and I was almost embarrassed for the girl with how you just blew by what she said about herself," he continued as I growled in anger at him until he finally held his hands up in defeat.

"Listen, I'm just telling you what I saw and from what I saw, I witnessed a girl who was interested in you and then you… Who was also only interested in you," Jasper snickered, reverting back to the asshole that I knew he could be.

"Fuck off," I growled at him, not wanting to believe what he saw, but knowing that out of all the things that could be said about the man, Jasper was not a liar.

"Listen; just let her go, man. You need to focus on you," he said as I shook my head since the idea of giving up on Bella hurt more what I wanted to admit to.

A**N:**

**Thanks for reading! **

**Sorry if this is unbeta'd. Tracy worked to beta is mess and I'm not sure if this is the corrected version or not (I don't believe that it is). I can't find the original email with the corrections and I refuse to bother my beloved beta who is busy with her own story, as well as beta'ing other fics. So yeah, every mistake on here is mine and I'm sorry for that.**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	25. Chapter 25

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

I wasn't sure what I was doing there, yet there I sat in the dark restaurant drinking bourbon while listening to Tanya talk. She was wrong. This wasn't so much a chance as it was an opportunity for her to tell me what she wanted to before we went our separate ways.

"I'm sorry about Bella," she said as I felt myself freeze with the mention of Bella's name. She had been gone for two months, and as much as I had tried to move on, it was proving to be impossible. I could not stop thinking about the girl, wondering if she was ok, and dreaming of the chance to make things right with her.

"Yeah," I whispered as I nodded in agreement.

"I want you to know that I'm sorry," she started to say, but I stopped her with the wave of my hand. I didn't want to hear it. I wasn't sure what I wanted to hear, but her apologies were definitely not on the list.

"Tan, really," I said as I listened to her sigh with a mixture of frustration and sadness.

"I mean it, Edward. I'm sorry," she said, but I waved her off since I was tired of her sympathy.

"Why did you want to meet?' I asked her as I shook my empty glass, letting the ice clink against the glass.

"I wanted to talk to you about the divorce," she said slowly, but I shook my head no at her. There was nothing to discuss. We were done, and she knew it.

"Just hear me out," she said as she held up her hand, I waited for explanation, not that it mattered.

"I wanted to see what needed to be done to speed things up," she said with a nervous smile as a lovely shade of red colored her cheeks.

"Speed things up?' I asked her, surprised by her sudden change of heart since everything up to this moment had been all about stalling the divorce.

"Yes," she said simply as I waited for more information since I knew all too well that Tanya only did things that were good for Tanya.

"Why?" I asked her as I watched her take a slip of her water.

"Because," she said as she smiled prettily for me as I waited for her to speak.

"I'm going to be marrying Liam Aehern soon so…" she trailed off as I stared at her in shock. Liam Aehern was an Irish exchange student whom Tanya had always flirted with. He was young, barely twenty, and hopelessly infatuated with Tanya.

"Well, congratulations," I managed to say as I watched her smile warmly at me.

"What's the rush?" I asked her while biting my tongue to prevent every young guy joke that was on the tip of my tongue concerning Liam.

"I'm pregnant," she announced with an embarrassed look as I stared at her in shock.

"Don't look at me like that, Edward," she hissed in anger as I cleared my throat to try to mask my stunned expression.

"I always wanted children and you… you never did," she said as she looked at me with a challenging look, daring me to deny it. I couldn't. I didn't want children with her, but that wasn't what surprised me. I was surprised she was seemed happy about it since I never saw Tanya as the motherly type.

"Listen, I will pay you the money you want, and I will agree to the alimony. I just need to have this done, ok?" she said to me in an irritated tone that I was used to from her.

"Ok, I'll sign. Have your attorney draw up the changes, and I'll sign it," I said as I watched her visibly relax with a smile that brightened her whole face. I took one last slip off the watery bourbon before standing to leave her.

"Wait," she called out to me as she took hold of my hand in hers. Her touch surprised me as I realized how different it felt now. What used to be so familiar and loving was now foreign and left me cold.

"I want you to know that I never meant to hurt you," she said as she looked at me with earnest eyes that were watery with unshed tears that made me feel a little sick.

"I never meant to do anything except make you happy," she said as she trailed off as I stood there holding the hand of the woman whom I had thought of as mine since I was seventeen, but the truth was, she had never been mine at all, and I could see that now.

"I know," I lied to her to ease her guilty conscious, not that it mattered now. With one last hug and whispered good luck, I left her behind with the promise to stay in touch even though we both knew it would be one more lie we had told each other.

**AN:  
Thanks for reading! I plan on posting ch 26 & 27 later today!**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	26. Chapter 26

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

A semester is long time for a student, but an even longer time for one who was waiting to start their life over, and that's what I was doing. I was stuck in a holding pattern as I finished up teaching my classes while wrapping up the loose ends of my life.

My divorce went through without issue. Tanya wanted out. She had a new man in her life, and while people talked about his age, I could not be happier even though I wondered if they once talked about my age when it came to Tanya. Jasper was convinced that she was one of those women who was in constant trade-in mode when it came to her lovers. She would always want a young man, no matter her age, and at campus, there would always be another young guy who would fall in love with her laughter and liberating attitude.

"You excited?" Jasper asked me as he elbowed me. I turned to find a wide grin before taking a large bite of the chocolate that was bought in honor of my leaving the school. I was excited, but it felt all wrong. I was happy to be moving on from what had been my life, but at the same time, I felt a little sick since no matter how right I tried to make the situation, I was in there was no way I could. I couldn't fix the past, and I couldn't undo the hurt I had caused.

"Yeah," I said with a smile as he shook his head at me as if he knew what I was thinking.

"Have you heard from her?" he asked me in a lower voice, as if he was trying to keep it quiet even though everyone knew. The gossip of my birthday threesome was too good to be ignore by a staff that lived to judge the lives of others. Everyone knew, but I wasn't aware of that until after Bella left. It was then that I learned of the awkward stares and cruel whispers that I had been oblivious, to and Bella had endured without me.

"No," I said simply as I shook my head before looking away. Jasper was the only one who knew of my regret when it came to Bella. He was the one who made me realize how badly I had behaved when it came to the girl.

I looked over at his thoughtful expression and watched him shake his head as if he was thinking what a waste, and he was right. It was a waste. I had wasted my chances with a nice girl by acting like an ass, and in the end lost her.

"Well, here's to the future," he said with a sigh as he raised his bottle of beer in celebration to clink with mine in hopes of a better tomorrow.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! Thanks to Tracy for all her hard work on this chapter! She's awesome folks! **

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	27. Chapter 27

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

Time has a way of slipping by as summer turns to fall, and in years past, this had happened to me. I would find myself at the end of one season and the start of another without much thought or memory as how I ended up there, but not this time.

I spent every day of the summer going over and over again in my mind what happened to lead to this moment where I sat alone watching the empty campus and what few summer students lingered around. My mind would wander each day, going back to a time when I had Bella. I would think of her smile and her laugh. I would think of all the different ways I had failed her.

Jasper was right of course and that only made me hate him a little. I had ignored Bella. I had gone to her with my problems concerning Tanya, knowing damn well that she liked me, and inadvertently took advantage of her goodness. I wanted to believe that part of my bad behavior had to do with the fact that I had never wooed a woman. I had never dated before her. I had no idea how to flirt beyond what I had learned from Tanya, and because of it, I was a failure.

_"You know, just chalk it up to a failed attempt at being normal." _

Those were Jasper's words of encouragement along with the promise that someday I would be a so-called normal guy who knew when he was being hit on and would know how to act properly in return. He was mocking me over my lack of knowledge, but he was dead on. I knew nothing about women, and because of it, I failed with the one woman I had ever been truly interested in.

"You ready, Edward?" my father asked me, pulling me out of my thoughts of Bella as he slapped me on the back. The airport was bustling around us as we stood there uncomfortably facing each other.

"Don't forget to call your mother when you land in Chicago," he said as I nodded like a child instead of the grown man I was supposed to be.

"You know, I know this was very heard for you with Tanya and… well, I heard some of the rumors that went around," he said with a nervous laugh as I looked away from him. He had no idea how much truth was in the rumors that he heard, and I was not about to tell him now.

"I just want you know that your mother and I… we are here for you always, and I am sad that things didn't work out the way you wanted with that woman," he said with the same sour face that he wore whenever he spoke of Tanya. It made me snort in laughter, as I realized that some things would never change and one of those things was his utter dislike of Tanya.

"I am glad you are able to put to behind you and move on. You'll do amazing in school, Edward, and know that I am so proud of you," he said in soft voice that made me turn red since I knew he was proud even though he had no reason to be. It was with that embarrassment that I hugged my dad awkwardly in good bye before walking to security to leave what had been the only life I had ever known behind.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! A special thanks to Tracy who beta'd this mess while her RL was going crazy all around her. She's awesome friends!**

**I will be posting the last chapter soon….**

**I also want to thank Kennedy Nicole Cullen for her kindness by placing this fic on The Lemonade Stand poll for Fic of the Week. I am humbled by her generosity and her kindness. Go check out the fics on the poll and if I might offer a suggestion… go check out In the Debris by Believeitornot. It's an amazing story and it deserves your vote more than mine ever could.**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	28. Chapter 28

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

I had once thought that moving away from everyone I had ever known would be a dream come true, but then I did it and realized how lonely being alone could really be. I had never been alone before. I had gone from being a shy high school student living at home to a quiet man who lived with a woman. I had never lived in a dorm or alone. I had never been truly independent and while I had never regretted my choices to be with someone, I had now realized that I had missed out on a lot.

I attended first semester at the University of Chicago with little fanfare as I struggled just to maintain some semblance of normalcy even if everything was far from normal. I worked hard. I studied even harder. I found people I could relate to that quickly became my friends. I even dated a few women, trying to see if I could figure out what I was doing, only to end it with them before anything truly started. It was a quiet existence that left me content, yet not quite satisfied.

I would find myself working into the night and on those lonely nights when there was a lull in my thoughts my mind would wander back to Bella. I wonder about the girl whom I would always consider to me be my greatest failure as a person and hope like hell that she was happy.

Looking back at our relationship with clear eyes and an open heart I could see every mistake I made. I could see where I had failed her. I could see her hesitancy after our original night together and yet I pursued her. I could see where I had taken advantage and it hurt, since Jasper was right. She was just a girl who got caught in the cross hairs of my marriage crumbling around me. She bore the brunt of my lack of knowledge over women as well as my unhealthy interest in her. She deserved better than what I had given her and because of it I would spend the rest of my days trying to be the better man I could have been with her.

It was that goal of being a better man that led me to sitting in a quiet café with a hot cup of coffee in hand as I looked over my work while Jasper yammered on to me over the phone.

"So then I told Alice to get a fucking grip," he moaned as I smiled in response to his over the top reaction to Alice finding the porn he had on his computer. I would have thought she would have known that he had it there since he had never been one to hide things like that.

I looked up from my laptop as shadow pass by to find Bella Swan standing in line, just like everyone else, to order coffee, instead of being the girl that haunted my dreams every night for the almost year since I had seen her last.

She was beautiful as ever with her dark eyes and friendly smile for the barista as she placed her order. There were differences that I could see as well. Her dark hair was cut into a shorter bob that framed her face, making her look older and wiser somehow. She looked happy and for that I was thankful since that was what I had always wanted for her. I watched her as she waited for her drink, until much her surprise and my humiliation, her dark eyes met mine.

"Jas, I gotta go," I whispered into the phone to him as he continued to yell about his wife that he loved, no matter what he claimed, while my eyes never left hers. I could see the stunned shock slowly morph into uncertainty as we continued to survey each other.

This was my moment. The one I had dreamed of, the one I never had with her. It was my chance to tell her I was sorry for everything. I was sorry for every time I hurt her or failed her. I would be forever sorry for everything except being with her.

I stood up to approach her; each well thought word playing over again in my mind as we faced each other. Bella didn't move as I crossed the space between us, instead her eyes just held mine as she twisted her hand into her shorter hair nervously. It was an endearing habit that I had watched her do countless times before during our time together.

I stopped before and as I opened my mouth to speak I could not think. I could not think of the words or the apologies that needed to be spoken instead I just stood there, unsure of what to say or do next until I finally found the words to speak.

"Hello," I half whispered to her as I struggled to find my voice to speak to her.

"I'm Edward Cullen," I said as I held out my hand as if we were meeting for the first time, ignoring the fact that I knew what she looked like when she came or how her skin felt against my tongue.

Bella looked at me as if I had lost my mind and maybe I had, but this was all I could think of.

"Edward…" she said in a soft whisper. I could hear the nervous fear in it as she looked at me as if I was deranged.

"This is what I would have said to you if we were meeting for the first time," I confessed to her as she looked at me with wide, dark eyes.

"I would ask your name and invite you to sit down with me," I said as I watched her swallow nervously as if her throat was dry.

"I would offer to buy you coffee or dinner or anything to keep you talking to me," I said in a rush as I watched her turn for me for a moment to claim her coffee.

"I would take you to the movies and be the guy that… that I know once upon a time you thought that I was," I said as I watched her chew on her lip nervously as her eyes held mine. They were shiny with unshed tears and only added to my resolved to try to make this right.

"I just want a chance to start over, Bella; a chance to do this right, to _be_ right for you, and I know I can be. I just want the chance," I said as she wiped at stray tears that fell down her cheek as she looked at me with a worried look etched upon her face.

I stood silent before, having spoken all I needed to say, without really saying anything at all. I waited for her judgment, her decision as to what she would do. She was well within her rights to walk away from me without a look back and I would deserve it.

Bella slowly moved before me, extending her trembling hand towards mine with a confidence that I had always envied about her.

"Hello, Edward. I'm Bella Swan. Nice to meet you," she said with a soft smile as she took hold of my hand to start our new beginning.

THE END

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading and taking this journey with me. Thanks to Fran, Bernadette & Tracy for all their help on the chapters as they posted. Thank you to ever faithful friend Rene for all the emails and plotting we did together. Truly, there is no one better that I want to talk plot with. Thanks for taking this journey with me. Thanks to Fran, Bernadette & Tracy for all their help on the chapters as they posted. Thank you to ever faithful friend Rene for all the emails and plotting we did together. Truly, there is no one better that I want to talk plot with. Thanks to you for reading this silly story and making me smile.**

**At this time I have no plans for an epi so this chapter is it. **

**Until the next story…**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


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